


The Past Could Start A Fire

by tiffthom



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action & Romance, Canon Universe, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Love, Major Original Character(s), Not Canon Compliant, Old Friends, Original Character(s), Past Relationship(s), Post-Naruto Time Skip | Naruto Shippuden, Romance, Smut, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2018-11-09 17:44:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 57,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11109636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiffthom/pseuds/tiffthom
Summary: To Rei Horoshima, love complicates things, and a ninja is not shackled by the burden of emotions. Still, not feeling is denying the beat of her heart and the breath that fills her lungs. She's tried to deny Kakashi Hatake for many years and for no good reason, but the flicker of their past could start a fire.





	1. The Future Is a Lizard

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thanks for reading! This fic has quickly wiggled its way into my heart. Kakashi is a fave so I am happy to be writing him involved with a character of my crafting. There is smut in this chapter. There's your second warning. Anyway, the setting is after the death of the Third Hokage. The story really won't follow or include very much canon. Perhaps a little. 
> 
> I plan on this fic being short but I shall go where the muse leads. It came to me suddenly last Friday, and has helped me to get out of my writing funk. I haven't been able to write anything long lately, and I still haven't updated any of my other works but I hope this pushes me to do so. 
> 
> Leave comments and let me know what you like or don't like! They help and are much appreciated!
> 
> UPDATE: I originally said this fic would be short and would not follow or include much canon. Well, I was wrong. I plan on it being a lengthy story and I will infuse more canon with time, but it will be tweaked, some things in light of canon, but changed entirely, and of course, there will be a Rei/Kakashi focus on each event.
> 
> \- Tiff

**“Rewinding time is not possible, but do-overs are. Sometimes we get another chance to do something right the second time that we got wrong the first time.”** **— Rashida Rowe**  

* * *

Rei Horoshima didn’t believe in signs. Making a habit of seeing more in the mundane never did any good, and yet, a jet-black bird that darted off a tree branch like it was in a hurry to escape something reminded her of the past bleeding into the present. She resumed sharpening her _kunai_ , shaking away memories, gulping the fistful of ire that had been resting in her throat since the morning.

The gnashing of steel on rock sang the melody of her seven-year mission. She didn’t know if she’d be able to defect from her daily life of fighting robbers and rogue ninja while carving miles of trail with her tiny feet in hopes of reaching the enemy’s camp. Trusting no one for the sake of the job, and growing accustomed to loneliness had become useful tools. The thought of losing them made her head droop but she steadily worked on her knives. Strangers from everywhere she visited poked around her personal life, trying to see if she had someone, but there was nothing but the mission and whatever façade or alias she felt like assuming at the time.

Her comrades had fallen; one to a hidden paper bomb set as they weaved through the Land of Archers, and the other to illness. Their absence had lingered like the scent of rain until she remembered her training and pressed forward. There was unfinished business.

The backup that should have come to replace her teammates was denied. The Third was gone, dead after Orochimaru had slithered from wherever, and the new _Hokage_ couldn’t afford to dispatch more _shinobi_ to assist her. At least, that’s what Rei deduced on her own after hearing some locals discuss the damage that had been dealt to _Konohagakure_.

News of the Third’s passing squeezed her heart with a cold hand, but she was too deep undercover to mourn him.

_“Procure the scrolls. Eliminate the Black Star Society.”_

That was her mission, and she’d completed it.

The raven returned, seeking the branch that it had broken. It found another, dawdled to the thick end of it, and settled comfortably. Rei put her tools away and threw her backpack over her shoulder. _Konohagakure_ waited. It was time to go home.

* * *

Training Naruto was like trying to catch a lizard. Even with hyper-speed and _ninjutsu_ , it was still tricky. Kakashi thumbed through his yellowing first edition copy of _Makeout Paradise_ as Naruto tried to crunch leaves with nothing but his _chakra_. Kakashi felt Minato- _sensei_ coach him from the grave, and a few drops of self-disappointment made his tongue bitter. He’d devoted special time to Sasuke and left Naruto and Sakura to fend for themselves, to grow on their own. It was all by design, he knew, but all of the other _jōnin_ nurtured the whole of their teams. But none of the _jōnin_ had _his_ team.

Naruto growled his frustration as he trapped a leaf between two praying palms, hoping the power of his will would yield a breakthrough. He kept growling as nothing happened and Kakashi apologized to Minato after cursing him for leaving Naruto behind. The Fourth _Hokage’s_ son was, for lack of kinder language, exhausting. 

Still, as usual with Naruto, something amazing happened. The leaf finally split from the point to the butt of its stem and he jumped so high he could pull an eagle by the tail. “Yays” and “I did its” cajoled a smile out of Kakashi. He remembered the excitement and rush of performing the impossible and surpassing expectations, but the dream of youth was misleading, and he smothered that joy behind a mask. 

For the first time in seven years, Rei Horoshima crept up from memories under lock and key. Naruto’s boyish excitement had triggered them, and they walked with Kakashi for hours, long after he’d dismissed the boy, telling him they would train more the next day. The past always seemed closer than the future. The future was too much like a lizard. 

* * *

The village felt different. The air was smoky and dust clouded the sky around it. Repairs to the destruction Orochimaru rained down had caused it. Rei passed Izumo and Kotetsu without a word. They were both slack-jawed. No one had heard from her team in two years. They thought she was dead, but she’d only been lucky.

A booming voice shook the walls of the _Hokage’s_ office and a nervous kitten of a woman backed out of a room. When she hit the wall, she kept moving as if she could slip through it. A blond woman with two pigtails, no – dragon tails, walked out with her hands biting into her hips. 

“Shizune, who is the _Hokage_ here? _You or me?_ ”  

“Milady, I was simply suggesting that –” 

Tsunade cut her eyes to her right and eventually turned towards Rei. She examined her like she’d probably done countless bodies, but she didn’t stop frowning and Rei believed she’d set the record for pissing someone off in under a minute. 

“Who are you?” Tsunade questioned. 

“Rei Horoshima, ma’am.” Rei clicked her ankles together in the way of a true Academy student, and Tsunade blinked as if something was in both her eyes.

“Rei? You – you executed your mission?” 

“Yes, Milady.” 

Rei removed two handfuls of scrolls from her pack and Tsunade went back into her office. Following her was understood. Shizune sighed – spared, but knowing she’d shortened her life by at least a decade. 

* * *

Naruto’s special nature meant more work for Kakashi, and Tsunade expected hourly updates on him. The _Akatsuki_ coveted the Nine Tails so comfort ceased being a luxury. All an enemy needed was an opening. He knocked at the door with his usual beat and could have sworn he heard Tsunade bid him come so he did. 

“… and I believe this may be connected to the _Akatsuki_ – What the hell, Kakashi? You can’t just barge in here!” 

Kakashi breathed an ‘Oh, boy’ and realized where he went wrong. He’d mistaken Tsunade’s muffled chatter on the other side of the door as being directed at him. Perhaps he was not fully recovered from the last battle, or maybe Naruto consumed energy the way Chōji scarfed potato chips. He scratched the back of his head out of instinct rather than necessity and laughed, eyes slitting into upside-down smiles. Rei bristled at that name. _Kakashi_. Her eyes widened at the real thing. _Kakashi Hatake._ Kakashi’s visible eye popped open and a gap of time as wide as a galaxy and as long as _Konohagakure's_ legacy passed. The clock only ticked away about sixty seconds but the feeling of eternity tapped the back of Rei’s knees. 

“Well? _Kakashi, I am talking to you!”_ Tsunade roared and slammed a fist against her desk. The wood creaked and Shizune made a mental note. Tsunade had destroyed several thousands of dollars’ worth of furniture already. 

“Oh! Right! Well, I – uh – thought you’d told me to come in. My mistake.” Kakashi explained himself with a squirrely cadence. Tsunade rolled her eyes, and Rei turned her back on him. 

“Rei, we have changed the debriefing process. Go to the fourth floor and file your report. Have dinner and rest well. Tomorrow, I want you at the doctor for a full exam and we will talk more. I may have a mission for you. Good work. You’re dismissed.” 

Rei nodded. When she passed Kakashi, winter walked with her, reminding him of the past and its cold. Bad memories stung like frost bite, but his desire to reach out and touch her burned up with the slam of the door.

* * *

The elevator was broken and walking down to the fourth floor felt like willfully descending into hell. The staircase s’d and q’d Rei into dizziness. She gripped the railing and stopped. Her lack of equilibrium had little to do with the walk and more to do with the man that made her dread coming home. After so much time, she still hadn’t forgotten him and it made her stomach do cartwheels. 

“Damn you, Kakashi. I barely stepped into the village. Damn you.” 

Rei logged her report and wandered around town like a ghost. She made wrong turns and half-turns and wanted to shed her own skin. How long would it take to feel at home? 

“Aren’t you supposed to be resting?” 

She heard a voice that she wished was as unfamiliar as her old stomping grounds. Nothing forced her to acknowledge him. Walking away again was an option so she pretended not to hear and moved forward.

“Summoning _jutsu!”_

In a puff of smoke, Pakkun appeared and saluted Kakashi. Kakashi smiled and pointed at Rei. Pakkun’s tail wagged from a rush of excitement, and the two of them followed her. Unable to contain himself, Pakkun leapt at her feet, pulling the drawstring of her left pant leg. Rei came to a clumsy stop and noticed him. 

“Pakkun?” she said, disbelieving. 

“Rei, it’s been a while.” He resisted the panting caused by his elevated heartrate, but he stood expectantly and hardly waited for her reaching hands before crashing into her chest. 

Rei looked at Kakashi and thought of all the dirty tricks at his disposal, using Pakkun was the lowest. She hugged the dog and petted him as his master watched. They said a hard “see you later” after a short while. Pakkun had other duties, and Rei couldn’t stand the rush of flashbacks pulling her back to days, that were never carefree, but at least they weren’t empty. 

Time shifted as they stood hairbreadths apart and the footsteps of the other villagers warbled with the rustling of the leaves. Kakashi leaned against a building, hands stuffed in his pockets and Rei grit her teeth.

“One of my pupils is crazy about the ramen shop just down the way. ’Care for a bowl? My treat.” 

“I am not hungry. Excuse me.” 

She moved faster than she intended but his words were swifter. 

“Right. We were walking you home. Silly me.” 

He hummed while strolling beside her and Rei balled a fist. His jaw seemed an appropriate target, but she restrained herself. The walk was not long. She had wandered just a few blocks away from her apartment. Being right on top of it and not even knowing made her numb. So many things had changed about the village. She didn’t want to know how much. 

They climbed the stairs to her unit and she fumbled around in her pack for the key. Kakashi had offered to carry it, and his jaw became appealing again. She was not in need of some wannabe body guard with questionable chivalry. The key was buried under souvenirs and notepads, and she kept digging, balancing the bag on her knee and contorting her body. Kakashi couldn’t understand why Leaf Village women always declined assistance. Was senseless pride a part of the curriculum? 

She snatched the key from the depths of its confines and it fit square into the lock. She pushed on the door, stuck in the frame of the post from not being opened for so long. Kakashi grabbed her bag as she continued to push and she sucked her teeth. The door finally gave and they entered. A cloud of dust greeted them and she hacked until her lungs had mercy. They left their shoes at the door. Kakashi quickly opened the windows. 

“Oh, for goodness sake, can you go?” 

“Heavens, no. This place needs a good scrub down,” he said, sliding a finger across the mantle of the fireplace, grimacing at the film of dirt. “Let me help.”

“Whatever! But after it’s clean, _go home, Kakashi.”_  

But home was in the pools of her dark eyes. The truth had resurfaced the moment he walked into Tsunade’s office. 

Cleaning house was never easy. Old things turned up looking new and new things had lost their luster. Rei scrubbed inside the kitchen sink and Kakashi rummaged the cabinets below it for cleaning supplies. They were likely all expired, but those dates weren’t gospel surely. He sprayed lemon-fresh-something on the kitchen table and buffed it with determination. 

“Hand me that.” Rei opened and closed a hand. Kakashi offered the cleaner and she sprayed the sink and rinsed it out. 

They made quicker work than expected of the kitchen and common area, and only the bed and bath remained. Rei assigned the bathroom to Kakashi. She didn’t want him in her room. Kakashi closed the door to the bathroom, jumping from the silken film of a cobweb across his face. 

“Shadow Clone _jutsu_ ,” he whispered. Two clones materialized to aid him with his task. The job lasted almost no time, and he sauntered to her bedroom and posted himself on the wall outside of it. 

“Need help?” He offered, anxious to take a peek inside of her room. 

Rei came out from under the bed and snapped her head towards the door. 

“What the hell? That bathroom had better be spotless since it was your idea to help.” 

Kakashi poked his head inside and nodded. 

“My shadow clones helped and did a fine job.” 

Rei griped at herself for failing to think of manifesting clones, but she also wasn’t a lazy sack of bones like Kakashi. She scrubbed the floorboards spitefully and he took an adventurous two steps into the room. He dusted the photo of her old team and sighed. She’d come back alone and there was no need to ask why. He placed the picture frame back carefully and polished other areas. Rei slowed down and rested against her bed. She took a deep breath, worn out from the journey and the cleaning. The day had been long and trying on the balls of her feet and the strength of her knees. 

Kakashi cleaned two more things and swept around her. He emptied a pan of dust into a bag and tied it up. Rei used the floor for support and she stood up, realizing they’d neglected the ceiling fan. The blades were thick with fluffy rolls of gray dirt that defiled the white paint. She gathered an ounce of will and used her bed as a stepstool. She slid a paper napkin down the length of one blade of the fan which moved a little and set her off balance. She yelped no louder than a cooing newborn and her feet went over the bed. Kakashi caught her, not letting her feet touch the ground and her arms naturally fell on his shoulders. 

“That was close,” he remarked, not meaning to tighten his hold on her. 

“I have enough _chakra_ control to avoid being a damsel in distress. Thanks.” 

Rei pulled away, but Kakashi’s arms stayed wrapped around her lower back. She squirmed in his embrace again, but with none of the force she used before and he felt like he was in a trance. If he let her go, she could slip away again, and he’d go back to pretending his career kept him lonely. Everyday women could get more of his fake smiles at their advancements to settle him down. 

“Rei.” 

He said her name with two thousand five hundred and fifty-six days attached to it, and hearkening back to her training didn’t help because this wasn’t a mission. Turning off her emotions didn’t mean life or death. Her eyes didn’t reflect the longing that left bruises on his heart. Instead, he thought he detected a little fear. Fear and a heap of immortal pride so he let go, and it felt like something had broken his arms. 

She wandered to the window hoping to throw her feelings out of it, or perhaps, trade them for the breeze wafting in. The past kept slamming her across the head, and she didn’t want to miss Kakashi. She’d asked him to let her go all the while holding onto a dead and buried reason to stay angry at him. But time had passed. She realized it in her sleeping pattern and the way her joints popped when she stretched every morning. The life of a _shinobi_ started taking a toll long before one’s thirtieth birthday, and she’d just come home for the first time in seven years. Everything made her feel dated, but seeing him made her feel seventeen again.

To many people, he was an idiot of a genius, cut from the same perverted cloth as Jiraiya, but Kakashi knew the greatest ninja art was deception. His guard stayed up even when he napped in open fields and kept his forefinger pressed against the spine of subpar works of literature. If Tsunade and Shizune had not been jarred by him stepping into the _Hokage’s_ office without an invitation, they would have witnessed him slip after years of performing a perfect act. His fingers had curled against their will and he waited with suspended breathing for Rei to turn around. He knew it was her like he knew his own name. There was something rosy about her _chakra_ , something as buttery as the petals of a pink rose. 

“Pakkun hasn’t changed a bit,” she said, hushed, like she’d told a secret. 

“Yeah.” Kakashi sighed. 

Silence engulfed the room again and there was only the smell of lemon-fresh-something mixing with the night air. Rei leaned, feeling the front of him against the back of her, and she turned, predicting the future, knowing the past had ushered both of them to this spot in her now-immaculate apartment. Kakashi slowly tilted his headband up, uncovering his inherited eye, and it stung. Rei looked away, overturning destiny in her head, telling herself that it was time for him to go, but he moved closer, planting one of his feet between hers, and the other outside of her left foot. He tugged the fabric of his mask down and rubbed her chin, guiding her face up to his. She didn’t want him to go or for him to let go. Trusting no one for the sake of the job and being alone had fallen off her mind. 

His lips felt the way coming home should have, and for a minute she really was seventeen again, and he’d just kissed her for the first time. Back then, there was no finesse and their teeth clicked against each other and she awkwardly cracked her neck to the side as he rested a too-firm hand on her cheek, but now they began and ended like the sun’s rise and fall. 

Her mouth was honeysuckle and just like the warmth coming in through the window, and he hated needing to breathe. She broke the kiss first and rested her palms against the windowsill, backing into it.

“Damn it, Kakashi.” Same quiet tone. 

He rubbed his thumbs up and down the sides of her face, and brought his head back down, requesting her lips again, and all of the power had seeped out of her. The next kiss was deprived and famished and he pushed her all the way back and closed the window in one move. He pecked the skin under her bottom lip and started a trail that ended with his teeth grazing over her carotid. Kakashi sucked her neck, making her eyes open wide and suddenly from the sensation. She soon melted as he bit once, sucked a little while, and glided his tongue along the redness he left behind. He nibbled until he reached her collarbone, and her head rolled against the window. Her vest had become a nuisance so he unzipped it and tossed it aside. A zap of electricity was in his touch as he slipped his hands under her t-shirt, moving up and taking the fabric along as well. 

He kneeled to kiss the flesh above her hipbone, and Rei hadn’t the faintest idea of what to do with her hands. She only felt an ache between her legs and his mouth too close to it. Her pants were the next item to go and he smiled at her secret. He’d have to tease her about wearing sexy underwear during a mission. He looked up at her, and she quickly shifted her eyes until his teeth snagged her panties. She gasped like a shamed woman and he choked his laughter. With his teeth and fingers, he pulled the black lace down the curve of her hips until it fell, soundless on the floor. He snaked his arms around her legs and lifted her up to sit on the windowsill. 

Rei had always lamented not having much of a view from the larger window in the room, but she was thankful now. Kakashi paused at her wetness and pressed a thumb against it. She winced from the tingling that spread out to her toes, but before she could speak on the sensation, he buried his face into her. She scraped at the walls and breathed his name involuntarily as he tasted her. 

“Hmm?” He continued dragging his tongue over her, pushing her left leg up and turning his head to achieve more comfortable access. Rei rested her other leg over his shoulder and arched as he drew circles on her clit with the tip of his tongue.

“Ka… kashi, _what_ … are you doing?” 

“Isn’t it obvious?” He mumbled in between mouthfuls. 

She opted to ignore his remark, succumbing to the pressure of his tongue and the fingers he now used along with it to unravel her. An indecipherable plea spilled from her and she decided to focus on something graver than her old flame guiding her to places she didn’t know she wanted to go. 

 _Konohagakure_ didn’t know scandal. Tragedy was more its cup of tea so tales of a strange woman’s ass pressed into a window at the dead of night would more than stir the villagers. Rei hoped no one could see, or if they could, she would remain anonymous. 

The distraction didn’t last as long as she liked. The pad of Kakashi’s middle finger massaged another place and she wanted to climb the walls. To hell with him and those _places_ because with every second his finger swirled, she felt less and less able to control her response. She was the victim of mercy he was not in the mood to bestow. 

“Damn it!” She snapped and pushed up to get away but he put his free hand on her thigh firmly. “No, I’m going to – please!” 

“It’s fine,” he assured her. “Just breathe. I promise you, it’s fine.” 

He continued to knead her, bringing her to the edge with an expertise befitting him, and she shattered like an overpowered sword, drenching him in her ruin. Kakashi licked his fingers, then her, taking her down from the high, and she folded into the window frame, limp and unable to see things as she had before. She shivered from the whirl of the ceiling fan and he left hot kisses up the length of her leg. She opened her eyes completely and the previous moments were as hazy as a daydream. 

Kakashi chucked his damp vest somewhere near her own and stood, taking in the scene of her all flushed and illuminated by starlight sneaking in through the window. She was enigmatic that way, and he’d always enjoyed puzzles. Her body told the story of a thing unwound, but her eyes shot daggers at him. 

“What?” he said, playing the fool and she sucked her teeth and closed her legs. “Take that shirt off.”

She cut her eyes back at him, sharp as _kunai,_ and he held his hands up defensively. 

“Take that shirt off, _please?_ ” 

She folded her arms across her chest and went back to ignoring him. She filed everything from before under ‘Things to Forget’ as well. Kakashi thumbed the hem of his turtleneck and pulled it over his head, adding to their pile of discarded attire. 

“There. Now don’t you want to take yours off too?” 

The air in the room was sticky and the remains of her orgasm trickled down her legs when she stood. She matched his casual look with a defiant one, refusing without words to remove her shirt. He’d already won in so many ways that she couldn’t have predicted when she set foot into the Leaf. 

He wanted to see all of her and run his hands over every inch so she’d remember them days later, but it’d be better if no days would pass between them again. An abundance had already come and gone. He pinched her shirt between his fingers and pulled her near. Red streaks fading into purple lined the side of her neck and he put his attention back on painting her with his tongue and teeth. Her skin burned and she yanked the silvery spikes of hair above the nape of his neck as he sucked more bruises onto her. His hands disappeared again under her shirt and he kissed his handiwork. She arched into him but he leaned back to accommodate the shirt that he pulled over her head in a fluid sweep. 

She wasn’t one for senselessness and she knew she’d given enough of herself to him already. He'd made her come hard and keenly, and left her without a hiding place. She couldn't deny the pleasure. She really didn't want to. He’d seen it for himself. She unhooked her bra, letting it dangle from her finger by a strap before it fell beside her. He matched her by removing the rest of his clothing and kicking it away, and she went breathless from the sight of him – just for a second until he rushed her into another kiss. 

"You gave me a hickey, you bastard,” she rasped as he pecked her nose. 

“I guess I got carried away.” A bit of a chuckle tumbled out of him as he parted from her to rifle through his clothing, shaking out each article. “Ah! Here we go.” 

He presented a condom trapped between his fore and middle fingers, and Rei jerked her head back.

_“You carry them around in your vest?”_

“Why not?” he asked, removing it from the packaging. 

“Oh, yeah. My mistake. _Kunai, shuriken_ , and contraceptives. Nothing out of the ordinary.” 

“A ninja should be prepared.” 

He rolled the condom on, distracting her from her rant, and closed the distance between them once again. The moment seemed more real now and she became very aware of what they were doing. Again, fucking Kakashi was not on her list of things to do after coming home. The whole thing made her understand weak excuses for the first time in her life, but honestly, _it all just happened._  

It was hard to feel like she could last when they moved to her bed and he pushed himself inside her, rolling his hips as she maintained a dip in her spine. She was pleased that he couldn’t see her face; the way it twisted when he went deeper and exhaled her name. 

Kakashi didn’t care if she consumed him. Few things had felt right for a long time. Being with her wasn’t something he expected to erase their troubled history. In the morning, they would still have problems. But at the moment, having her was a heart’s desire fulfilled. He’d longed for it behind intentional ambiguity and his allegiance to the village. He stopped letting others too close ages ago. The need to connect had been buried with his father and his shame, but he still wanted Rei, and all she’d wanted was the old him back. It was always funny; the way life worked. 

Drops of his sweat fell on her back. Rei gripped the bedsheets desperately as he encouraged the loose cannon of her aching need. She brushed her bangs from her eyes and turned to see him as much as she could. He smiled and she dropped her head again. He leaned down, almost touching her back, and she pushed her legs out a little to make it easier for him. 

“You’re close, aren’t you?” he inquired. 

He quickened his thrusts at her silence and she arched again, throwing her head back. He wrapped her hair around his wrist and tugged sweetly, tilting her head more to look at her better. 

“Aren’t you?” 

“Yes. I am.” Her needy moans melted him. “I am.” 

Her eyes rolled and he uncoiled her hair from his wrist and gripped her hips to stabilize her. He watched himself fall in and out of her, building up his own release. He swept his right hand around to rub her clit and the world blanked. She stuffed her mouth with the sheets to smother her cries and not alert her neighbors of her personal matters and Kakashi liked the sound of her holding back because she was doing a horrible job at it. She was so wet he thought he’d slip out, but he persisted until the power of her orgasm made her crumble and he followed her, strong and certainly. Rei fell onto her side, trying to catch her breath, and Kakashi pulled the covers back and helped her underneath them. She nestled into the join of his arm and sleep came quickly, lasting until dawn.

* * *

Morning engulfed the night. It was never a calm transition. Rei didn’t know why people thought it was the other way around. The light chased away darkness because it was much more formidable. Even though the sunrise and the morning dew embodied a perpetual fresh-start, not everything could be reset. She rubbed one eye with the hard end of her palm and flung herself into a sitting position. Her room was clean because she’d spent the early part of the evening straightening up and wiping things down. The rest of the night took a very different turn. Rei frowned and then she prayed, but nothing could turn back time. She and Kakashi had sex and the sore pull in her neck as she stretched reminded her of every way he’d possessed her. She rubbed the hickey and plopped back down into a mess of pillows. 

“Goddamn it.” 

She cursed herself for being so easy and remembered how proudly he once boasted about being able to sweet-talk anyone. Her body was singing, brought back to life with his touch. She needed a bath, a long one, to wash away all of what he’d done. 

“At least he’s gone, the jerk.” 

The bedroom door opened with a lazy yawn as she felt herself dozing off, and she hopped up again. 

“Good morning,” Kakashi said, startling her. His clothes were different. Rei gathered cover over her naked body and turned to face the window by her bed, showing her back to him.

“Go away.” 

“But I’ve made pancakes.” He drew out his words like there was no way she could refuse. “You won’t be able to go too much longer on an empty stomach especially after –” 

She growled. If he said another word, he’d be dead on sight. 

“Oh, come on. There’s bacon in the oven, rice, and omelets. I can’t eat it all by myself.” 

Her stomach quaked at the menu. It all sounded good and she was starving and thirsty. Her tongue felt like cotton. Kakashi sat on the bed and reached out to brush her shoulder. She turned around, giving him a nasty look. 

“’Forgot you weren’t a morning person.” 

“Shut the hell up, Kakashi.” 

Kakashi sighed and removed his vest. Rei stared at the cracks in the windowsill, counting them, the ways they branched off, and the minutes until he’d disappear and it’d be yesterday again. She would tell him to eat dirt and not to follow her. He moved closer to her and rolled her over. Before she could speak, he kissed her as deep as her delusions were about to take her. She fidgeted in protest, but softened when his tongue slid across hers.

“Let’s eat, okay?” He offered again. 

She moved to sit up, pushing him back, and stood on her knees, securing the sheet over her breasts with a hand. The useless show of modesty amused him. He retrieved a robe for her and she tied the sash snug around her waist. 

Clearly, he’d acquired many handy skills over the years. His cooking was superb. She watched as he laid out seasonings and sides. He’d gone home, showered and dressed, and then out to the market to gather things for her empty refrigerator and cupboards. 

“How’s the food?” he asked, pouring himself a glass of water. 

“It’s good.” 

“Good.”

More time dragged on and evaporated as they ate, and there were no answers for what they called themselves doing. To someone on the outside, they looked like a happy couple having breakfast after a passionate night together, but they weren’t even friends, hardly acquaintances. As far as she was concerned he was either an enemy or just a guy she was determined to ignore for the rest of her life. That is how it was supposed to be. She stood and pushed her chair in before walking her empty plate to the sink. She gripped the edge of the counter, indenting her hands with the cut of its edges. 

“Something wrong?” 

He piled his dishes into the sink as well using the tiny bit of space she’d left open. 

“What are we even doing?” she asked, turning to lean against the countertop. 

“You and I are having breakfast.” 

Every time he playfully deflected, she wanted to pummel him, but he wasn’t dodging nearly as much as she was. She didn’t want to face the elephant in the room, but she hated how normal he was as if nothing had happened, as if she’d be fool enough to let it happen again. 

“You know what I mean,” she started, “I’m still angry with you. Nothing has changed that.” 

“Right. You’re still angry with me about my personal feelings about my own father after all these years. I guess I understood when we were teenagers, but it’s just ridiculous now. Honestly.” 

He left her to chew on that and began clearing the table and putting things away. Kakashi was patient. People required such virtue, and he’d waited for Rei at the beginning and end of each day for some time now. He knew the starting point of her gripe with him, but lessening it to a mere gripe was unfair. His father had cracked from the fallout of his own shame and taken his life, and the news shook _Konohagakure_ off-kilter. The ridicule Kakashi already faced from those that lusted to poke holes in his perfection had lulled him to nonchalance so grave that his father’s death was just a blow to the jaw. The heaviness of the pain subsided quickly and left only a dull ache. Everyone expected him to fall apart, but he refused, blanketing his heart with a new ninja way, and Rei never accepted it. 

“Your _feelings_ changed you and made you an asshole. Feel however you want about Sakumo, but you used his death to justify wandering around like a block of ice. That is what has angered me all these years, Kakashi.” 

“Do I still feel like ice to you? Tell me.” 

The question made her wooden. She didn’t want to admit she had her own defenses that gave everything around her a foundation of quicksand. 

“Don’t use my response to the end of my father’s life to justify your own cowardice. It has always been hard for you to connect to others because all they ever do is leave. That’s about the gist of it. Am I right, Rei?” 

His words were hot steel slicing through her pride. She felt like a petulant child; summoning anger like he’d wrangled her into something. The truth always cut and there was no _jutsu_ advanced enough to outrun the facts of life. 

“Whatever, Kakashi.” 

He sighed. Cruelty was not his intention, but they were adults now. The past could never be overturned and as skittish as the future was, it still had possibilities, but he couldn’t force her to see that. Only dogged hope worked in situations like this. 

Rei turned the faucet and let water trickle into the sink, tapping the dishes and defying the silence that his words had left behind. She taught herself not to care what he did and where he went, but all of it withered away with his kisses and everything had become like reaching for a light switch in the dark. She didn’t want to abandon her position, her certainty that relationships and intimacy complicated things. She had enough self-awareness to recognize her weaknesses. Kakashi had always been a weakness. Squandering years of fortifying herself against weakness in one night was just foolish. He screwed the faucet until the water stopped, and rested his hand on hers. 

“Rei, come on. Stop being a hardass. You really didn’t miss me at all?” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

Rei wondered if Atlas had ever grown to like upholding the sky. Could having that much weight on one’s shoulders ever be enjoyable? 

Kakashi let his hand wander below the sash of her robe, to the small of her back, and Rei thought of hundreds of things to say but every syllable turned to ash and she let him cast his spell again. 

Their bodies joined over and over until they lay tangled in her sheets, a mirror image of the night before. Kakashi folded his arm and used a hand to support his head. He watched her chest rise and fall, capturing tiny breaths finally. 

“I need a bath,” she said, wiping sweat from her forehead. “Kakashi?” 

She willed the words off her tongue, hoping her delivery conveyed sincerity. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry for holding you to impossible standards after Sakumo died. It was not fair of me to have done that.” 

He hadn’t counted on an apology or any of what transpired between them, but he liked being her co-conspirator in a shared destiny. 

“Thanks, Rei. I'm sorry for what I said earlier. If anyone understands how you feel, I do.” 

“I know. With that being said, I –” She faltered and clamped her mouth shut at the sound of his alarm chirping. 

He made a goofy noise and retrieved a small device from the breast pocket of his vest hanging on the corner of the footboard. 

“I’ve got to get ready for a training session with one of my students.” 

Rei nodded and he got up, throwing his clothes on any kind of way and ruffling his hair. 

“Kakashi, I –” 

He stopped straightening himself out and gave her his attention. She chewed the inside of her cheek and pointed at him wearing a look of perturbed resolve. 

“I do not want you to get the wrong idea about what has taken place. You and I are just two adults, who in a fit of misjudgment or rather, insanity, had sex. It is no more and no less than that. I do not want a relationship and you don’t have to worry about this happening again. It was a moment of temporary weakness.” 

Kakashi zipped his vest and patted it down to smooth it out. Rei waited for him to say something, heavy with the feeling of speaking too soon and the words taking off as quick as lightning. She couldn't shove them back down her throat. 

“Alright.” He shrugged, heading for the door. 

His tone betrayed no offense. He sounded as if someone had told him a class had been canceled. She could have sworn he'd be bothered enough to put up a gentle fight the same as when he insisted on walking her home and cleaning her place, but he was agreeable as ever. Sometimes it came off like boredom. 

“Alright,” she echoed and reached for her robe.

The walk to the front door was arduous and everything along the way felt infected by him. She ignored the kitchen table where she'd sat not too long ago with her legs wrapped around him. It made her want to clean again. Kakashi inched his feet into his sandals and strapped them. His hand paused on the doorknob before he spoke.

“See you around.”

He pulled the door behind him and Rei quickly turned the locks and sunk to the floor wondering what the hell had happened.  


	2. The Present Is Like Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter reveals a little more about Rei! I hope you like my confused little pain fairy.

**“That was the missed moment. I should have put out a hand and taken her arm and said, ‘Here I am. Ask me. Now. The real question! Tell me. While I'm here. Ask me before it's too late.’” — JL Carr**

* * *

The sterile scent of the hospital stuck in her nose like lemon-fresh-something and the electric tang of Kakashi’s sweat. After Rei picked herself up off the floor and clipped the feeling that she’d been jilted, she nearly collapsed again once she remembered that Tsunade had ordered her to have a physical exam. She never neglected a command, but the throbbing marks Kakashi had left behind and the persistent hum between her legs made her consider spending the rest of the day in bed. However, it was useless because he was everywhere; on the kitchen table, underneath her covers, and all over her skin so she girded herself, showered, dressed, and watched for the knowing eyes of her neighbors as she left her apartment complex. It didn’t seem like anyone knew or cared.

Her memory was better than the day before, and she picked up the pace, zipping off streetlights and rooftops, when the hospital came into view. The receptionist informed her that Tsunade had been by earlier to find out if she’d come in, and Rei remembered the _Hokage’s_ limited patience, one strangling thread of patience that dared anyone to try her. Rei sighed, knowing she had to make a good impression and gain the trust of her new leader. The village depended on her strength.

The waiting area was thick with sick people and _shinobi_ in need of follow-up exams. The wounds of Orochimaru’s ambush had not quite healed and Rei felt silly for thinking too much about a one-night stand and nervously palming the side of her neck every couple of seconds. Her secrets mattered to no one. Not even Kakashi.

“ _Alright_ ,” she muttered, repeating what he had said when she killed any idea of the two of them being together.

She knew she preferred answering to the village and herself alone. _She knew this_ , but Kakashi had taken her resolution much too coolly, and it had worn on her nerves for almost three hours. Chewing on the curl of her finger, Rei pleaded with herself to snap out of it. She had broken off whatever they’d stumbled into, and Kakashi wasn’t the type to argue or waste time on pointless things. _She knew this, but still._ Perhaps a few more days were in order to force her mind back on track.

“Rei Horoshima?” A syrupy sweet voice chimed her name from the front desk, and Rei rose to her feet.

“Ino?” That dated feeling crept up on Rei again, and she wanted to pass out.

“That’s me!” Ino grinned. “I swapped out with the last receptionist, but anyway, the doctor will see you in just a sec. In the meantime, though, could you sign this release? We’ll send it to Lady Tsunade when all of your tests come back.”

“Yeah,” Rei said dumbly, taking the pen and clipboard from Ino. Seven years looked as long as they felt.

A nurse arrived and walked Rei to a room to take her blood pressure and record her height and weight. She fixed her with a syringe, drew blood and then the interview came.

“When was your last menstrual period, and are you sexually active?”

Rei tensed at the question. One night, after years, didn’t qualify as _active_ especially since it wasn’t happening again. But she’d lost count of how many times Kakashi had flung her over the edge and swallowed her in his desire. The kitchen, hallway, and her bedroom reported hours of activity.

“Thirteen days ago, and _no._ ”

The nurse jotted down her one truth and a lie, and left her in a room to disrobe and wait for the doctor. Rei crouched to look at her neck in the sliver of mirror between the cabinets and the sink, and the hickey seemed bigger. She rasped an annoyed _'Shit’_ and removed the rest of her clothes. The paper-thin robe hung on her body like a kite and she reclined on the examination table. Two taps at the door announced the doctor, and Rei made an indistinct murmur.

“Rei Horoshima!” Dr. Kizuna Mado shut the door with the heel of her foot and almost blinded Rei with her smiling toothy mouth. “I haven’t seen you since you came up to my hip. How are you?”

Rei barely remembered the woman, her mother’s old doctor, but almost everything had faded with the dying flame of her parents’ lives. She exchanged pleasantries with the doctor, answered questions, asked too few, and sighed to prepare herself for the feeling of spreading her legs for medical reasons. It wasn’t necessarily awkward to her, but absolutely no one jumped at the event of a pelvic exam. Dr. Mado tapped on the twin purple markings on Rei’s inner thighs and Rei flexed a toe.

“These bruises…”

“Nothing much,” Rei said, racking up another lie. “Travelling back from so far wasn’t the easiest undertaking.”

“Hmm, okay, well you appear to be in excellent shape. We’ll process the other tests and have the results out by the end of the day. The Hokage’s put a rush on everything because of the state of the village.”

The memory of Orochimaru and the unrecognizable surroundings she once called home sobered Rei yet again, and she left the hospital, ignoring everyone that tried to engage her in small talk. With a clean bill of health, she could count on a mission soon, and she welcomed the prospect of something more important gobbling her focus.

* * *

Guy had stared at the menu for what seemed like hours and Kakashi honestly lost his appetite even after keeping up with Naruto for so long. He wobbled a glass around in his hand, admiring its spotlessness. _Ichiraku_ definitely stayed up to standard, but Naruto would drink from dirty glasses without a second thought as long as the ramen didn’t change. Guy’s pickiness meant Naruto had already inhaled three bowls and taken off.

“’Know what you want yet, Guy?” Kakashi asked lazily. “The place’ll be closed if you take any longer.”

“Kakashi,” Guy flipped the menu over before setting it down, and Kakashi wished he’d just kept his mouth closed, “you can’t rush something as vital as a man’s next meal, but I’ll tell you what. If I don’t come up with something in the next five minutes, I’ve got to give you a thousand push-ups.”

“You actually _don’t_ , Guy. You really don’t.”

But the matter was settled and Kakashi already knew it. He stared into the glass of water and flashed back to breakfast with Rei. She was as stubborn as a brick wall, but the way she lowered her defenses pulled the breath from his lungs. He couldn’t decide if their morning together had eclipsed their night.

“Kakashi, what’s on your mind? You look lost in a daydream.”

“Rei came back from her mission.”

The words tripped out of him before he was torn back to the present moment. Guy cleared his throat before sharing that he’d sorted out his order.

“I see. I wish she’d get past whatever she’s holding against you because you obviously haven’t put down that torch you’ve toted around for her.”

Kakashi smiled and his face always lit up whenever he did even with most of it concealed. Guy could never understand that.

“Oh, I think we came to an amicable agreement to keep the past in the past,” Kakashi said.

Guy wanted to faint, or take off like a rocket, but he just sat very still, yanking back his joy. He’d waited for this day as much as Kakashi, _for_ Kakashi, and genuine happiness for his friend put the mist of tears in his eyes.

“Uh, Guy? Hello?” Kakashi waved at Guy, trying to haul him back from whatever high or fantastic notions he’d fallen victim to.

Guy’s lips trembled and Kakashi was seconds away from walking out of the restaurant and leaving him. He was unreachable when he went into one of his fits. While he calmed down, Kakashi floated back to his very real daydreams. The morning did eclipse the night. He relished Rei’s apology the most, not because he felt deserving of it, but because of how soft she’d gone without the incentive of his mouth or hands. It was like getting something after longing for years and it not turning out to be a disappointment. All he’d wanted was a millimeter, a microscopic pathway into her heart again, but he couldn’t live in that moment long enough. As surely as they’d reconnected, she retracted everything and labeled him a mistake, wounding him more than he’d let himself reveal. He’d wanted her so badly and for so long, but she wasn’t something to be won or possessed. He knew that, but the loss still sat heavy on his mind.

“So what happened?” Guy had wanted to know from the beginning but he noticed that Kakashi hadn’t blinked once and was still rolling the glass around.

“We had sex and she said it was a mistake that she didn’t want to happen again, and that was that.”

Guy expired. Sometimes Kakashi’s shots were too straight.

* * *

Tsunade was preoccupied and Shizune told Rei that someone would send for her once her test results came in. She felt like an eager rookie, balking at Shizune’s suggestions that she relax and take everything in. Not having a task at present just taunted the memories, flat-out asked them to flood in and drown her.

When she swore off Kakashi and romance the first time, it didn’t stick, and she left her heart open to men with silver tongues. She told herself that it was just meaningless companionship, something to occupy her free time when the missions concluded quickly and her bed was cold, but nothing put an end to the gnawing loneliness that digested her heart. Still, she kept playing the game, accepting poorly defined relationships instead of the real thing because the real thing had been too much like leaving herself open to an attack, and she didn’t believe in second chances.

On some days, she cursed Kakashi from the bottom of her heart. When his father died, a part of him switched off and he became harder to reach until he was just as dead. She wouldn’t wait for him to leave so she disappeared first. As much as she tried to erase him with another’s scent or voice or her slow-forming acceptance that love was a respecter of persons, a part of him still lingered and she started to think it was impossible to completely let something go.

A picture of the two of them in a green field with blue flowers and the sun glowing behind them was the one, tangible thing that survived, and she kept it with her during missions. The danger never let up and she didn’t want to die alone.

One night, by campfire, her secret was revealed. The picture had spilled out of her bag when her teammate, Kumara, knocked it over. He was always reaching for seconds, out-eating them for the sake of strengthening his stamina for the miles ahead of them, but despite his bigness, he moved quickly. Rei had barely blinked before he swiped the picture from the dirt. He smiled as wide as she’d ever seen, joked about calling an intervention for her and Kakashi, and scattered into pieces all over the forest from a bomb the following day. She reached for him, but he pushed her back, forcing her body through a line of trees, cracking the backs of her shoulders, but at least she was still alive.

Rei stopped at the riverside and watched the sky change to a milky gray. There was the brief rumble of thunder and then the rain. Finally, the memories receded. At first, she felt the urge to rush through the showers and get home, but she stood still, enraptured by the water stippling the river. Taking it all in was too much. Shizune had no idea.

“You’ll catch cold.”

Kakashi’s timing was perfect. Nothing in life was supposed to be.

“Maybe so.” Rei didn’t turn around. She didn’t want to interrupt the rain or show him her broken heart.

Leaving her alone was probably the right thing to do according to anyone else’s opinion, but he never cared much for that so his feet didn’t stop until he was at her side. She let the soaked veil of her hair hide her face and collected herself until she felt able to greet him with her eyes, dark blue like night clouds illuminated briefly by flashes of lightning. Her look pierced like lightning, striking him with the feeling of breathlessness until he gulped some of the humid air.

Big beads of water rested on her lashes and she blinked them away. The rain was smothering. Kakashi hated it. His headband felt like five pounds on top of his eye and his mask suffocated him.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, speaking louder than usual to accommodate the soggy muffle of his voice.

“Kumara and Mizuru. My team.”

Kakashi thought of Obito and Rin and his hand ached from the feeling of tearing through Rin’s chest. Everyone he’d clung to had died, and then Rei vanished like a mirage. The rain was either a sedative or a depressant that conjured up everything a person wanted to forget.

The flow of the lake, and distant thunder were the only sounds until Rei sucked in a long breath.

“You’ll catch cold,” she echoed him.

“Maybe so,” he said, removing his headband.

“’Careful. Someone may get too good of a look at the infamous copy ninja shrouded in ambiguity.”

“Am I really that ambiguous?”

He had a knack for posing questions she wouldn’t answer. Whatever they once had was not easily discarded, and she knew it with the beat of her heart, but there was something there. A wall, the easier feeling of remaining unbothered, a million of her poorly-crafted, flimsy excuses. The war was her latest, and she supposed it wasn’t the worst reason, but it was still an excuse all the same.

“Come on,” he interjected. “The rain is picking up.”

She didn’t feel like refusing so she let him lead them away until they were outside of his apartment. She walked in more naturally than she should have. The squish of her sandals was annoying so she kicked them off quickly. Kakashi didn’t have much of a place. His living room was a perfect box decorated with a couch, a shelf full of books, and a television resting on a stand with questionable structural integrity. Nothing separated the room from the kitchen, another box, blindingly white and clean. There wasn’t a stray pepper mill or bottle of soy sauce to be seen.

Rei kept inspecting, shaking her head at the reading options as she thumbed through his library. Kakashi came back from out of the darkness of the hallway with fresh clothing and pointed her to the bathroom.

She unfolded the black sweater and examined the compression tights he’d given her. They were new, and she supposed the best he could do since her waist wouldn’t uphold any of his pants. She peeled off her sticky, wet clothes and washed her face.

Kakashi fiddled around in the kitchen, preparing a quick meal, and Rei sauntered in with her hair up and his sweater falling off her shoulder.

“What are you making?” Rei hopped onto the counter beside him and watched him throw things into a pan and flip them around.

“Chicken, vegetables, and a sauce I’m not too sure about. Here.” He offered a spoon to her lips and she tasted the sauce coating it.

“Kakashi, are you kidding me? That’s delicious.” She complimented him with wide-eyed incredulity. “When’d you become such a chef?”

“Oh, you flatter me.”

She huffed at his fake bashfulness and returned to the living room to surf through channels. There was nothing but game shows, infomercials, and prime time dramas to choose from as she searched for a movie. Kakashi plated their dinner and pulled two standing trays out of a closet. Rei set them up and he brought the food. After more channel-switching, a murder mystery captured her attention and she snuggled into the softness of the couch. She snuck a glance at Kakashi who wasn’t ambiguous in the slightest. He looked comfortable without his headband and mask in the presence of someone else and she almost liked being that someone.

It was easy; existing with him in private without the feeling of the world on her neck and shoulders. She tapped a few fingers on her neck and turned back to the television.

“Your neck looks pretty bad. ’Sorry about that.” Kakashi leaned back with a drink in hand and Rei scoffed.

“If you’re sorry then I’m the _Hokage_.” The sound of her laughter filled the room.

It wasn’t what he expected, but he didn’t question it. She was simpler, unfettered by thoughts of _‘What are we?’_ and _‘What is this?’_ He decided to be grateful for it without hoping it would last, but that was like trying to forget her, and he hadn’t done a very good job at that for years. They caught the tail end of the movie so it ended quickly with Rei yelling at the protagonist to wake up and see what was right in front of him. The circumstances were different, but Kakashi held back a chuckle.

The volume of the television was dialed down in deference to their own conversation. Rei spoke on her mission, the connection of the Black Star Society to the _Akatsuki_ , and Kakashi talked about his broken team of students.

“I’m just worried that Naruto and Sakura will never have what they’re hoping and fighting for. I don’t know if Sasuke will ever come back.”

Sometimes the truth was a hard pill to swallow, but hope was the evidence of things unseen. A patch of silence hit them and Kakashi seized the opportunity to clean up.

“Rei, could I interest you in some _sake_?” Kakashi removed cups from the cabinet and held them up for her to see.

“You most certainly cannot. Are you trying to get me drunk, Hatake?”

“Fine, fine. Suit yourself. I’ll have some.”

He sat down with the bottle of _sake_ and one cup. Rei examined the bottle, noting the quality. Kakashi didn’t invest in much furniture, but at least he valued top-shelf.

“Rei, I’m glad you’re here and that you’re back.”

Her throat felt strained like she was holding back tears and she didn’t know why. She snatched the _sake_ and the now-empty cup from him and poured herself a healthy swig. The liquid sizzled and burned all the way down. She shoved the bottle and cup at him and he put them aside. The remote had gone missing, lost somewhere in the belly of the couch, and he frisked around for it. Rei found it first and switched the television off. Kakashi lightly beat his hands on his knees to curb the silence.

“You want to talk?” he asked with a songful lilt.

Rei kept chasing the words to say as he waited.

“I’m having a nice time.” She put it as simply as she could. The awkwardness hurt like unknown territory, like a journey with no destination.

Kakashi hiked a leg up on the couch and faced her, unsure if she would go on or if he’d been given the floor to speak. Before he could think anymore, she buried her face in her hands.

“Why is this so hard for me?” She didn’t require an answer and didn’t even believe there was one. “I want to accept that I’m enjoying being here. I want to embrace how I…”

The next breath she took robbed her of the courage to speak another word. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, but she was like a piece of glass.

“You don’t have to do anything, Rei. Wherever you want to be, however you want to feel… It’s all more than okay.”

She stood, bone-straight with her shoulders squared, not ready, ill-equipped to navigate the sea of feelings that begged to flow out of her uninhibited.

“Thank you.”

She looked at him, wearing the ghost of a smile. When the door closed, Kakashi admitted that she’d taken another piece of him with her. Maybe he was the glass.


	3. The Past Always Comes Back Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Kakashi are thisclose to being my religion. I really enjoy writing them. I hope you like this chapter. I had fun with it. Smut warning :D.

**“A few messy kisses, but it was always there— _this_.” — Tiffany Thomas**

* * *

The days passed like life had a habit of doing; fast enough that _going_ blurred _coming_ and moving on felt like standing still. Three little _genin_ , sticky and wet behind the ears peered up at Rei with big eyes saying there was nothing she could teach them. They knew it all. Ninja children were insufferable. They weren’t what she had in mind as she waited to receive a mission, but Tsunade seemed settled on the matter. Shizune smothered her worried look with both of her hands as if she could feel Rei’s lack of enthusiasm. Tsunade, with all the confidence of a superior possessing the final yea or nay, asked the children to introduce themselves.

Shirafune Yasuda, age 11, was a scrawny weed of a girl with long, black pigtails sprouting from either side of her head and curling just under her collarbone. She possessed the _kekkei genkai_ of her clan; hearing from an impossible distance. A pin could drop three lands over and she’d pick it up if she really focused. Fortunately, with training, she’d learned to hone that power and shut her ears off to unimportant sounds. Her elevated equilibrium afforded her excellent control of her _chakra_ , and grace and accuracy in hand-to-hand combat. A user of the _Flashing Hands_ technique, Shirafune transformed speed and precise hits into a barrage of critical attacks. She looked more than ready for a mission beyond her years, but _genin_ were always too big for their britches.

Yuri Hirata, age 11, stood like a beanstalk. His knees knocked. It was only a matter of time before he passed out. Rei assessed that she’d have to break him of his over-achieving formality. Yuri exceled at lightning-style _jutsu_ , specifically his clan’s _Lightshow of Heaven_ that involved trapping enemies in a constellation-esque trigram and burning them to a crisp with a hundred million volts. His eyes were blue-white mirrors that betrayed nothing in particular, but his eagerness was apparent in the stiffness of his shoulders.

Umaeda Kumagai, age 12, examined Rei from head to toe as if he were the future _sensei_. He had graduated first in his class, leveling so high above his peers they needed Jacob’s ladder to reach him. A master of a peculiar offshoot of earth-style _jutsu_ , Umaeda’s direct attacks extracted the minerals and elements from his enemies’ bodies. Though better suited for short-range combat, his incredible speed helped him capture his prey. After he finished talking about himself begrudgingly, exasperated like he’d been inconvenienced, Rei reminded herself to stop judging books by covers. The three of them, self-proclaimed as the fastest team, were anything but garden-variety _genin_. Still, she had no desire to teach them. The Special Missions Unit had been her home since she became a _shinobi._

“Rei, I understand that you had different expectations, but humor me,” Tsunade said. “With Orochimaru lurking and raising Sasuke up as God knows what, we need our _genin_ promoted quickly. I believe you can get this bunch to the next level.”

“Are you kidding me?” Umaeda scoffed. “My grandmother could take her.”

Unable to say anything else, he fell to his knees, clutching his abdomen. Rei’s unseen blow stung, and the pain did everything but subside. He heaved for his next breath, but couldn’t catch it.

“How are you,” he strained and coughed, “so fast?”

“Please, Milady. Go on.” Rei cut her eyes at the other students that were still standing and they readjusted their posture. 

Shizune rushed to Umaeda who showed no signs of getting up any time soon.

“Do not assume that your new _sensei_ will go easy on you.” Tsunade resumed, impressed by Rei’s methods. Sometimes hotheads only learned the hard way. "That is why I picked her. This is no longer the Academy. I expect you all to behave and learn as much as possible. Are we clear?”

“Yeah.” Umaeda still coughed. Rei smiled and shuffled him to his feet and out of the office along with the rest of them.

* * *

In the few weeks that passed after inheriting her team, Kakashi lingered on her mind like an old, favorite tune.

"Having these brats may turn out to be a good thing eventually." Rei concluded, hopeful that with just a little more time, they’d wipe him from her recent memory. 

They had been an unwanted distraction, but interesting to instruct. She watched them hash out a plan to capture her. The sun was setting and even with all of their talent, they hadn't even come close.

“Hey, you three, this field is off-limits!”

Rei looked down from the tree branch she’d found rest on and beheld a spiky-haired blond charging towards her students. She sighed, and stepped between them in the blink of an eye. Naruto cringed, balancing himself on the tiptoes of one foot, before taking a few leaps back. Rei’s fiery glare shredded him until she plucked his identity from the back of her mind.

“Naruto Uzumaki, what do you want?”

“He’s with me.”

Kakashi swaggered towards them, and Naruto found the boldness to nod when he realized he had backup. 

“Tell them, Kakashi- _sensei_. This field is for my change in _chakra_ nature training.” 

Rei turned to her students whose jaws had fallen to the ground. She raised a scholarly finger to speak, but they crowded around Kakashi hurling a textbook of questions at him. Naruto sighed, impatience always getting the best of him. Rei watched Kakashi interact with the children with a pang of guilt forming a knot in her stomach. She’d managed to evade him since their last encounter. He’d bled into each of her thoughts mercilessly, day and night, and the left side of her bed felt like a bottomless pit. Still, yielding felt like losing, and she didn’t want to hand victory over to him. 

“How were _you_ able to learn the Fourth _Hokage’s_ _jutsu_?” Umaeda turned his questions on Naruto. Yuri chattered away about lightning-style with Kakashi, and Shirafune was close to felling a tree with _taijutsu_ once she gleaned what she wanted from Kakashi.

Naruto had gazed up at the sky and disappeared into a cloud of feelings Rei felt like she could touch. When Umaeda repeated himself, Naruto shrugged and a smile took up half of his face.

“I guess I’m just great, you know? You are looking at the next _Hokage_ after all.”

Whatever had possessed Naruto at first frittered away, and Rei missed the resilience of youth. Age had a way of dismantling the ability to bounce back, start a new thing, and dream anew. She said a quick prayer for Naruto, hoping the sadness that lived in his heart would leave, and that he’d never suffer the cruelty of fate. Kids had the rest of their lives to entertain melancholy. A demeaning guffaw from Umaeda interrupted her train of thought.

“You’re still a _genin_? Good luck being _Hokage_!” He taunted Naruto.

Naruto geared up to counter with a balled fist, but Rei beat him to the punch, pulling Umaeda by the collar, high above the ground. He squirmed and flopped like a fish but she gripped the material of his jacket and shirt tighter.

“Listen, you little bastard. One more wisecrack from you and it’s going to be you and me. Do you understand?” Naruto fell back, moving slowly towards Kakashi and bumping into him.

Umaeda went limp and Rei dropped him. 

“Naruto, how about you help Rei- _sensei’s_ pupils come up with a plan to catch her? Think of the lesson with the bells.” 

Naruto repressed curses under his breath, but obeyed. Umaeda had the fear of God coursing in his veins so he merrily awaited Naruto’s tutelage. Kakashi shot a wink at Rei who dismissed the heat flushing her face and neck. He was painfully adept at making the time that passed between them feel like something she’d only imagined. 

“Kakashi.” She crossed her arms, speaking his name tersely and adopting a very serious look at Naruto and her students. 

The previous weeks had offered up an abundance of time to think, and Kakashi turned over every inch of their relationship in his head and during chats with Guy and Asuma. Both men concluded that he’d already mastered patience in spades, and being around Naruto so often reinforced his tenacity. He’d read Rei like a book over the years. It was pointless to take her dismissals so personally. He knew the root cause of her offensiveness, and liked to think that he’d cracked the code of her heart because it resembled his own. 

Asuma politely told him that Rei wasn’t worth the trouble, but Guy protested like a schoolgirl knee-deep in a romantic book series. He’d stuck around long enough to find out how things would end with Kakashi and Rei so after a few more private thoughts, Kakashi settled on remaining patient. He’d given her space, but it was in their nature to collide. 

“Rei, I –” 

She walked away, out into the center of the field where Naruto and her students had drifted off to. Kakashi hushed Asuma’s voice in his head. 

“Alright, you three, let’s go. Naruto has to train and we’ll just see if you guys can catch me tomorrow. Good work today. You’re dismissed.” 

They challenged her weakly, worn out from the day of training, but too proud to admit it, and she reined them in with an incontestable glare. They packed up and took off with speed that nearly blew Naruto’s headband into the wind. 

“Well, boys, I’m out of here. Train hard.” 

She dissipated into a puff of smoke and Kakashi wondered when she’d manifested a shadow clone. It was so authentic, it frightened him. Naruto scratched his head with innocent confusion. Kakashi decided against giving him a lesson on ‘ _Other Reasons a Girl Might Run from You’._ The subject matter wasn’t kid-friendly. 

* * *

Why didn’t deciding to forget someone actually work? Why could the mind not override the heart?

Rei flung a leg over the mouth of her bathtub and twirled her foot. The water was tepid and had been for more than half an hour, but she didn’t feel compelled to leave. A hundred questions freed themselves from the prison of her mind, rolling off her lips. She feared asking them aloud would faze fate or set something in motion that she wasn’t ready to combat, but maybe the walls of her apartment would keep her secrets.

“Why did we ever…?” 

She gathered two handfuls of water and splashed her face. The saltiness of the soap made her mouth pucker. All of her life had been half-truths and shaky glimpses of what could be. Change had become normal enough to prevent her from burying her faith in things and people. The trick of survival was learning the lessons the first time, but she’d been careless.

Kakashi had pulled her out of the darkness and turned himself into a home for her before she knew how to define liberation, and the gaping holes her parents left grew smaller until they could no longer fit her inside of them. She stopped welcoming change in favor of putting down roots with him. 

 _“Everyone is different, Rei. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.”_

Her mother’s assessment sounded like a lie so she never believed it, but Kakashi challenged her willful ignorance. She couldn’t design a home for him when he needed it. He wouldn’t allow it, and telling herself _‘everyone is different’_ was as effective as flying a kite in a hurricane. Whatever he’d done to free her, she could not replicate, and their fresh, dawning love was carried away with the passage of time. 

“Why did we ever bother? What were we even thinking?” 

She unplugged the rubber stopper from the drain and didn’t move until all the water had run out. She didn’t feel like moving one way or the other; forward or back.

* * *

The nightly lineup wasn’t mind-numbing enough, and adrenaline still pulsed through her from training her students. When she released the shadow clone _jutsu_ , a fog of feelings rushed her, clueing her in on her copy’s experiences. Naruto Uzumaki had rattled off a nauseating rant about his training, but his faraway eyes that told stories much older than he was were most memorable. His eyes had flickered as he gazed skyward, but he grinned like nothing had happened most likely so that his burdens wouldn’t carry him too far away. Kakashi’s head was always underwater in his younger days, but he’d been plagued by talent long before Naruto. That was all the information her cloned mind had cared to retain.

She brimmed with too much energy to fall asleep and not enough to shut her mind off. Her countenance fell and she raised her arms to the ceiling. The sun set, and she watched the shadows of her hands move across the wall. 

“How the hell am I this bored?” 

A knock on the door made her curse the question. It wasn’t an invitation to be bothered. She dragged her body from the couch and trudged to the door without picking up her feet. 

“I’m coming,” she said, swinging the door open. 

“Hi there.” 

Kakashi probably invented cool. It made him an enviable ninja. He was a master of staying on task regardless of his circumstances. She’d tossed him all sorts of circumstances and none of them made it alright for him to keep coming back, but he did anyway. 

“What are you doing here, Kakashi?” 

Rei captured the damp ends of her ponytail and slung them behind her back. Kakashi shrugged and tilted his head as if she’d asked something silly. 

“Oh, just in the neighborhood. ’Figured I’d stop by and check on you. It’s been a while.” 

“We just saw each other a few hours ago.” 

“Hardly. It was just one of your clones. You know me. I’ve always preferred the real thing.” 

“What do you want, Kakashi?” 

Latching onto what _she_ wanted was still too daunting. 

“Have dinner with me.” 

 _“An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”_  

She acknowledged her mother’s wisdom that still surfaced from beyond the grave, but wasting away on the couch had gotten old fast. 

 “A very nice new restaurant just opened. Go with me.” 

That explained his attire. He still donned his mask but in exchange for his usual wear, he sported a slim-fitting black suit. Nothing overly fancy, but the jacket was impeccable enough to catch the toned muscle of his arms. Dapperness suited him. He was a criminal, all streamlined, dark, and mysterious. He could talk her over a cliff if she let him even after years had passed. She realized it was foolish to have put her faith in a couple of weeks being enough to finally purge him from her deepest places. 

“Why?” 

Asking him questions she knew the answers to wasn’t an intentional practice. She just couldn’t help waiting for the moment she’d misread him. It felt inevitable. It had to be if she kept turning him away. 

“Well, I’m hungry and I’d rather not eat alone.” 

The confession touched her heart and she wanted to know why he persisted, but it was easier to act like it was _just dinner_. She was hungry and he’d made an offer. It didn’t have to be complicated. 

 _‘It doesn’t have to be complicated.’_

Kakashi looked like he’d come back to life to hear her answer if she made him die waiting for it, but there wasn’t a hint of desperation in him. Feeling wanted reminded Rei of how attractive deception looked before it pulled her under. Maybe she couldn’t help making things complicated. 

“You’d be eating much faster if you didn’t stop here,” she said, standing in his way just in case he felt comfortable enough to stroll in. 

Kakashi leaned in closer, destroying the space between them, besting her at her own games. 

“Like I said, I don’t want to eat alone. Have dinner with me.” 

He’d only been this tenacious in their youth, climbing the ladder of power and astounding their spectators, but the prospect of greatness quickly bored him and perished with Obito and his father. She wondered if her departure had been the final straw. He seemed too satisfied with being labeled as shiftless and unpredictable, and she let it bother her because acknowledging that he wore more than one mask hurt like trying to breathe underwater. 

“Why are you so persistent?” 

“Why are you so resistant? You didn’t miss me?” He slid his fingers down the door, looking down, wondering if straight up honesty would yield better results. He lifted his eyes and caught hers. “I missed you.” 

The breath in her lungs couldn’t make it past her throat and she swallowed it along with another chunk of her resolve. Kakashi did not consider himself an expert, but he figured making himself a rock was the only way to get Rei to move. Sticks didn’t faze stones. 

“I can’t go to dinner. I don’t have anything to wear.” Rei thought of her outdated wardrobe and sighed. “I’ve walked around in nothing but combat gear for the last seven years.” 

“And really sexy underwear.” 

Rei prayed that her face didn’t betray how naked she felt. She could slap him for his brazen smugness but it was her door that remained open. 

“You bastard.” 

He shrugged, still waiting for her answer and smoothing out the furrow of her brow with his patient look. 

“Ok! Fine! Come in and wait for me while I change.” 

He dismissed the smile that wanted to stretch across his face. If she sensed it, she’d probably toss him out. Rei pointed to the couch and he sat down as she disappeared down the hall. She let her back hit the bedroom door when it closed and her knees buckled under the weight of her memories. It had been weeks and she still remembered every surface where she’d let him have her. 

“It’s just dinner,” she said, ripping dresses from hangers and flinging them onto the bed. 

Red was too bold. It screamed _‘take me’._ Black matched him and they were not some couple, deep off in their romance to the point of being an extension of each other. Green was coy and she didn’t want to be chased. Blue was safe. It’d draw out the dark blue in her eyes and say ‘ _I’m wearing this for me. Not him.’_

She dressed quickly, checked her brows and applied a little makeup. Her hair had just dried and she tried to smooth it out as best she could, but to no avail. She took her time to coif her dark locks into a high bun, thankful that the steam and water hadn’t destroyed her bangs. She grabbed high, strappy sandals from the closet and zipped them on. 

“It’s just dinner,” she repeated to her reflection, and left the room. 

Kakashi stood at the sight of her, a portion of his confidence falling by the wayside and different compliments fumbling at his lips. He cleared his throat and cocked his head to the side. 

“Hello, gorgeous.” 

Rei scoffed and grabbed her keyring of one key from an end table. And they were off.

* * *

Rich people didn’t think much about rich things. Fine dining was as natural to them as waking up in the morning. They had _shinobi_ to fight their battles and keep their pockets safe. Rei watched the privileged and wealthy of _Konohagakure_ recite their reservations looking perfectly together and carefree. It was like seeing everything wrong with the world. The host asked the gentleman and lady ahead of her and Kakashi to wait a moment while he checked on whatever preparations they’d made.

“Good evening, Lord Aki.” Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets and the man spun around when he heard his own name, or maybe it was the voice that had spoken it.

“Kakashi Hatake! Darling,” he looked at his wife, “this is the _jōnin_ that recovered the safe with our valuables.” 

Rei wanted to break apart like moonrock and become dust. She remembered early missions of rescuing kittens with diamond collars and escorting lords and ladies to their various destinations. The jobs made her feel like a servant with no name, relieved of an identity. Kakashi and Lord Whoever-the-Hell prattled on and reacquainted themselves. The man’s wife laughed about unfunny things and slapped Kakashi’s forearm every time. 

Just as Lord Aki was about to inquire about Rei, the host returned with a waitress who whisked him and his wife away to the private dining hall. Kakashi chuckled as he waved goodbye then entwined his fingers with Rei’s. The host smiled and extended his hand for them to follow him. It didn’t feel weird to hold Kakashi’s hand. 

“Kakashi!” A voice called out. 

Rei scanned the room for its source and noticed Asuma waving through the spaces between people’s bodies. He still looked the same with that chinstrap of a beard and skin like burnt orange. Kurenai mirrored him, waving them over. Kakashi thanked the waiter just before they made it to their table. He deposited the menus and left them to their devices. Rei’s legs felt deadlocked and Kakashi turned back when she didn’t move with him. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Go say hello. I’m going to order us something to drink.” 

Before he could speak, she settled into a chair and opened the menu. He shook his head and journeyed to Asuma and Kurenai’s table. 

“Sheesh! She can’t even say hi?” 

“Asuma!” Kurenai hushed him. “They are out to dinner. They didn’t plan to see us.” 

“That’s a load and you know it is, Kurenai. The last thing Rei has ever been is pleasant.” 

Kakashi let them debate, waiting for a chance to speak. Kurenai scolded Asuma into quietness. 

“Don’t mind us, Kakashi. It’s nice to see you and Rei.” Kurenai glared at Asuma who geared up for one last remark. “Enjoy your dinner.” 

Kakashi took a deep breath, thinking it was best that Rei had forgone the pleasantries. Asuma seemed like he had more than one piece of his mind to give her. 

“I think you hurt Asuma’s feelings,” Kakashi said, pulling out his chair. 

“Doubtful.” Rei rolled her eyes. “Kurenai is alright but he doesn’t like me much.”

“And I see the feeling is mutual.”

* * *

The sake loosened Rei up after just a few sips. She had diagnosed herself with being too much in her own head, but saying that it was just dinner for the umpteenth time put her on the path to a headache so she escaped with the drinking. Being seated in front of Kakashi, and privy to a good look at him turned one cup into three.

Black fabric curved and dipped over his collarbone, clinging to his pectorals. The cuffs of his sleeves stopped where they should, and he wore a silver watch. She couldn’t recall the last time when he looked like just a man instead of a ninja. He’d always been attractive, but now, he sported a level of sophistication right out of a magazine and that along with the smoldering ambience of the restaurant set a mood she wasn’t ready to be in. 

 _‘It’s just dinner.’_ The words bled together now like a bad song. 

Kakashi watched her, unintentionally picking apart her bits and pieces because it was too easy. She looked calm enough drinking her sake, and he dropped his shoulders, allowing himself to finally relax. Her loosening up no doubt compensated for something she’d rather die than entertain, but at least they were getting somewhere. For that, he was grateful. 

“I’m sure you’re wondering if I’ve been avoiding you,” she said, taking another long swig until her fourth cup was empty. 

“I know you’ve been avoiding me, Rei.” 

Kakashi pinched a cut of fish with chopsticks and peeled away his mask with his unoccupied hand. He wet the fish with soy sauce, growing impressed with her for not returning a scoff or a biting remark. He bit down halfway on the morsel of food and with another more determined bite, consumed it. He ate like he’d never tasted anything more delicious and there was a finesse to it that Rei had never noticed, at least not when it involved him consuming food. She shook away memories of the two of them after midnight and reached for the sake bottle. 

“I’m glad I could convince you to take a break from ignoring me. At least for tonight.” 

He smiled and she put her attention on other things, the movements of the waiters across the room, the clinking of a glass to her left, someone dropping a napkin to the right. The alcohol, fortunately, had not burned away all of her combativeness. 

“You’re too much.” She put the cup down and laced her fingers to create a prop for her chin. “What do you even want?” 

“My intentions are clear.” Kakashi tipped his cup of soup toward his mouth. “Yours are the mystery so let me ask you that.” 

Her eyes darted around the room again as she considered how to answer him. The sake had run out and the waiter was nowhere to be found. 

“What I want,” she pushed back from the table, “is to find the restroom. Excuse me.” 

She rose and found an attractively decorated sign pointing to the restroom and headed in its direction. Kakashi flagged down their waiter to let him know that they were not leaving, and set out on the same route that Rei had taken. 

The restaurant was lovely but much too quaint and intimate, a romantic place for lovers, and Rei felt like a girl pretending. Before she could lock the single occupancy restroom door, it opened behind her. 

“What the hell are you doing here? Kakashi, this is the ladies’ room. The guys’ is on the other end.” 

She turned towards the mirror and reached inside her purse for mascara, but he caught her hand once he switched the lock. Her purse fell into the sink spilling toiletries and loose _ryō_ bills. 

“What are you --?” 

She only felt her back against the outside of the stall and the warmth of his lips. He held both sides of her face with his hands and pressed his body against hers. He didn’t care about the food or rich lords blowing their fortunes or Asuma’s opinions. He only cared about the way she received his kisses and returned them with just as much need. She tilted her head to the side to break away and catch her breath. For such a fancy place, they could at least dial the air conditioning down a little. 

“Kakashi –” 

“No,” he said, and spun her around. 

He pushed up the skirt of her dress and twisted the string of her underwear around both his forefingers, sliding it down. The feeling of his hands rubbing her ass drew out everything she’d relegated to the back of her mind for weeks. She winced as he strengthened his hold on her with one hand. He removed the other to undo his belt. The belt and his pants fell into a pool around his ankles. 

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked. 

She melted a little more under his touch and shook her head. He traced the join of her behind and thighs with his thumbs. Beads of sweat dotted her hairline.

“No, Kakashi. I don’t want you to stop.” 

Rei parted her legs to gain stable ground in her heels. A soft curse escaped her at how wet she was. It was either the fit of his suit, the alcohol, or the way he’d eaten his food. 

“You said this wouldn’t happen again.” 

He didn’t want to be a jerk, but how adamant she’d been about a fit of insanity causing them to have sex had offended him a little. A fit didn’t cause something to happen over and over again in less than twenty-four hours, but he couldn’t control the things she told herself.

 _“Shut the fuck up.”_

Eating her own words made her sick, but she didn’t have time to swallow her pride. He entered her slowly, teasing her enough to rile up her petty anger. She tried arching back on him, but he pulled out so that he was barely inside of her.

“Kakashi, I swear –”

She wasn’t prepared for the full length of him to slide into her so effortlessly, but the slickness between her legs eliminated any issues. Kakashi rocked steadily at a tamed pace and Rei imagined that they weren’t in public. 

“You should let go. The door is locked.” 

“You should stop fucking me like a boy scout.” 

He gently pinched the outside of one of her thighs and smirked. Asuma had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Kakashi treasured every detail of Rei’s temper. It was precious because he knew she only put a fraction of her heart into it. But at her critique, he embedded himself within her rougher, more intensely. Their skin clapped together and her hair began to stick to her face and fall between her eyelashes. She slammed her eyes shut trying to keep as quiet as possible. His mask drooped with the weight of his own sweat and he pulled it down. The loss of one of his hands on her hips threw her off balance and one of her ankles gave, making her stumble. 

“Shit!” she hissed, catching herself on the rim of the sink. 

Kakashi went still, slowly pulling out of her, and lifting his pants. Rei attempted to right herself, but her ankle was weakened from twisting. 

“Are you alright? Here, let me –”

Kakashi pulled her dress down and lifted her up to sit on the sink. He crouched to examine her ankle, tapping it lightly. 

“Damn, is it sprained?” 

“Just a strain.” 

“ _This._ This is why I ought not have a thing to do with you! What the hell was I thinking, screwing in this tiny ass closet of a public restroom? I swear I must be –” 

He scooped her in his arms and grabbed her purse. Rei tapped his chest to protest the inquisitive looks they’d garner by going out, sweaty and disheveled. Kakashi unlocked the door anyway. 

“We need to take care of your ankle. Hush.” 

He instructed her to pull his wallet out from his jacket’s breast pocket. She removed a small stack of bills and threw it on the table. Kakashi locked eyes with Asuma and shook his head. Kurenai held her head down, face reddening from what she thought could have happened. Asuma fell back into the cushions of the booth they shared like someone had knocked the wind out of him.

* * *

Her first mind was to be taken to the hospital but she didn’t want her second appearance to be founded on a strained ankle by sex. She’d already told enough lies to the good medical ninja of _Konohagakure._ Instead, he landed outside of his place. Rei shifted around in his left pocket for his key and shoved it into the lock. She swung out of his hold and limped to the couch, falling like she’d been defeated. 

“God, did you see Asuma’s face? He knows.” 

“Rei, nobody cares. Let me look.” 

He rubbed her ankle carefully and focused his _chakra_ around it. The area glowed sea green and she felt like she was being pricked by razor-cut shards of ice. She squirmed, causing ripples in the stream of energy he poured onto her. 

“Just a little longer. ’Feeling any better?” 

She nodded as the sensation began to warm and she relaxed. The room’s temperature seeped under her dress and she smacked her forehead, wondering if they’d left her panties behind. Kakashi pulled them from his pocket and tossed them at her. His _chakra_ faded and he caressed her ankle, bringing it to his lips to kiss it. Rei smiled without giving herself permission to. 

“Thank you,” she said in a soft voice. She flung her underwear over her head and they landed on top of her purse. Kakashi winked at her, impressed. 

“What a night.” He eased back on the couch, walking his fingers up her leg. 

Rei couldn’t help but acknowledge the thrill. Kakashi had always been fun; helping her reach new levels of power, surprising her with bouquets of lazy, pitiful wildflowers, undoing her in the restrooms of four-star restaurants. It’s why she hadn’t been able to quit him. Life didn’t seem so cruel with him around. She swiveled her legs so that she was on her knees and crawled towards him, positioning herself in his lap. 

“Rei –” 

“Hush.” 

Her thumbs outlined the curve of his ears and she kissed him like the sun had threatened never to rise again. He abated the longing in his hands to roam over her body, deferring to her lead, succumbing to the unexpectedness. He kept one hand on the arm of the couch and the other on the seat as she tugged at his turtleneck for access to his neck. Frustrated, by the extra fabric of the mask, she pulled back. He felt obliged to fold it and get it out of her way and she took a deep breath and found the zipper of her dress. She tried to weave loose strands of hair back into her bun and away from the zipper of her dress. She pulled the zipper, easing the straps from her shoulders. If his lips parted, they did so against his will. Once halfway free of the dress, she went motionless before him and he admired her, slack-jawed and a bit dry at the mouth. 

“You act like you haven’t seen me before,” she said. 

“The day I get used to you is a day that shouldn’t come.” 

He left sweet pecks on the skin above her breasts and played with the dips between her ribs. His hands slid down to her hips and he ducked his head lower, continuing to draw lines of kisses on her. Rei craned backwards and then shimmied away, rising to her feet and letting the dress fall to the floor. He kicked his shoes off, and she fell to her knees to pull off his socks. He pulled on his still-loose belt and wiggled to help her slide his pants off. The beating in her chest resonated all the way up to her ears and she understood his wonder. She pulled the band of his underwear and snaked them down his legs next. Pressing her left hand to his chest, she pushed him back again and gripped him with the other hand. He hardened a little more from her touch and she took him into her mouth, tongue hot and slippery as it danced and twirled around him. 

Kakashi warned himself to stay still, to just fall at her mercy, but she authored an excitement in him he hadn’t anticipated even though he’d thought of little else besides being with her again. 

“Rei…” He lost the breath for more words as she sucked, simultaneously wresting her hand around him. 

She slowed her pace dangerously and grazed him with her teeth. His head fell back from the feeling and he moved to come out of his shirt. She glanced up, trapping him in her eyes and dipping her head without looking away. He raised a cautious hand and she closed her eyes in unspoken allowance. He drove his hand into her hair, kneading her scalp as she took all of him. He couldn’t remain slumped over so he leaned back again and flexed his thighs at the buildup of pressure inside of him. Before she brought him to the edge, he squeezed her free hand resting beside his leg. 

“Hmm?” She came up the length of him slowly before giving him the attention of her eyes and removing her mouth gently. 

She stood again and dragged a thumb below her bottom lip uselessly. Slightly darker than nude lipstick stained her face. Kakashi gathered his strength, breathing away his hardness and pulling himself to his feet. He swirled a finger over her abdomen and lifted her from the floor. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he walked them to his bedroom, pushing the door open impatiently. They fell onto the bed messily. He tapped around, searching for the top drawer of the nightstand. He pulled out a condom and she ceased her greedy kissing while he fitted himself with it. Few things felt better than the first time he entered her. She sucked in a long breath as he went deeper. 

“God, I hate you.” She forced her words between his thrusts. “You feel so… good.” 

“All you, beautiful,” he said, moving her bangs out of her eyes. 

They kept on that way until she tightened her legs around him, barely able to hold on. She pulled them higher up from his waist and he went as deep as he could. She forgot the reasons why she resisted him so much. He slowed down to memorize her features; her eyes darker than the night’s sky, her soft cupid’s bow, and rosy lips. He kissed her again, tasting her tongue, and she sniffed away the threat of tears. The last thing she wanted was to undermine the moment with feelings. She wondered if such silly things would ever stop tugging her heart. Kakashi smiled and broke her from her reverie by burying his face in the crook of her neck. 

Rei clenched her teeth when his pace quickened, and clasped her hands together to stop them from sliding with the sweat on his back. Kakashi knit his brows, tumbling down with nothing to break his fall. Swimming in her was akin to floating in space; weightless, breathless. He liked when she came desperately, like she’d never waited for anything else longer. She jerked as he peaked with her, until her legs disconnected, until he pulled from her and fell next to her. 

It was deathly silent for a long time until he reached for her hand. Holding it still didn’t feel weird even though she expected it to by now. She expected her defenses to have fortified again. 

“Dinner was good.” Kakashi spoke first. 

“Just dinner?” 

He turned on his side and glided a palm from her thigh to the line of her neck. He turned her head to kiss her and she kept her arms folded safely. 

“May I ask your intentions?” Rei played with her fingers to distract herself. “I know you said they’re clear, but I hate misinterpreting.” 

Kakashi didn’t balk at spelling things out the way Rei did. Sometimes he was playful and elusive, but not all of his seriousness was lost. He couldn’t treat her like a game or waste any more of their time. 

“I want you with me. I want us to make up for all the lost time and misunderstandings. I don’t want you to think I’ll hurt you. I intend to restore your trust in me if you’ll let me.” 

She wondered what it felt like to stand still, if the ground would be hard as rock or as overwhelming as quicksand. She tried to remember the feeling of the ground in their youth. It was good, fitting the parameters of what she defined as perfect. Not much had changed. The years had just chipped away her confidence in everything, but restoration wasn’t granted simply because of desire. There was always the first step.

“As long as you promise not to dream up any more scenarios where I twist an ankle, I suppose I’m game.” 

He didn’t need to look at her to see that she was smiling. 


	4. The Past Doesn't Define Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy, y'all. I hope you enjoy this update. It's been a while. Thanks for reading! A few NSFW things take place, but nothing maje.

**“There's a much deeper and meaningful conversation being conducted in the space between the lines.” — Dave Cenker**

* * *

Kakashi’s dreams were sweet enough to seduce him into uninterrupted rest. When morning came and its light streaked in through the curtains, he questioned how many times he’d slept through the night. Usually the faintest noise forced him to rise, ready to fight. He figured wartime would keep him cautious, but the feeling of Rei’s gentle breathing against his chest lulled him into a calm only undone by her twisting herself from underneath the covers.

She groaned at the sound of her alarm blaring from the living room, hardly muffled by the confines of her purse. Her body felt stiff and heavy and she slowly pulled away from the comfort of the pillows. Kakashi’s arms fell off her body lazily. He rubbed his eyes and reopened them slightly, adjusting to the burn of sunlight. The alarm sounded for the tenth time before silencing. Rei knew it would just start over again after a while unless she got up to turn it off so she dragged her legs over the edge of the bed. Kakashi snaked his arms around her waist, nuzzling his face into her back.

“You’re like a furnace,” he said, stealing heat from her body with his cold hands. He sounded halfway out of a dream.

“And you’re an igloo.” She attempted to stand but he kept her locked in his arms. “ _Come on._  You know the drill. I have to meet those brats in a couple of hours.”

“Plenty of time then.”

He pulled her back down and rolled on top of her. The press of his naked body against hers wasn’t easily resistible, and she gave him a narrow-eyed look that failed to faze him. He propped an arm to rest his head in his hand and slid a finger down the bridge of her nose.

“Don’t you also have somewhere to be?” she questioned him, raising her arms slightly above her head. “That Naruto isn’t necessarily patient.”

“Yamato is with him. I can catch up at any time.”

She rolled her eyes and groaned. The last thing they needed to do was slack off and fall into a debilitating afterglow, but he smothered her challenges with his lips anyway, and she couldn’t stave off the depths of the kiss. She didn’t even want to. He moved so that his legs were outside hers, and she chewed his bottom lip and mumbled his name, coaxing him to pull away.

“Look, you can’t just leave your student with someone else, Kakashi. You are his leader. As such, you are –”

She wondered if there was any danger in not getting used to the feeling of him inside her. It took her by surprise as if it was a new thing every time. He pinned her down by curling their fingers together and she curved her back as he rocked in and out of her. Her deep, sharp breaths grew louder than her sense of responsibility and the returning screech of the alarm.

An hour passed faster than she thought it could and the alarm died in the meantime. Rei moved away and Kakashi pressed his thumbs into her hipbones. She slapped his chest and rolled completely off of him with more force. He voiced a couple of curses, but let her leave the room. He thought to follow her as she slid out of the bed and scanned the room for clothes. The sound of the shower stole his attention away from his bedhead.

“I could join you!” He hollered loud enough to be heard.

“Kakashi, what part of ‘I’m going to be late’ aren’t you getting? _No._ ”

Rei sponged her body hastily with the pathetic piece of soap he had left, and rinsed herself in lukewarm water. His neighbor fancied rising early and taking all the hot water for himself. She reached for a towel to dry off, but there wasn’t one.

“Shit!” She snapped, feeling cold after having turned the water off. “Kakashi, I need a towel!”

He approached the door to the bathroom holding a towel behind his back.

“What do I get if I bring you one?”

Rei shook her head, surprised at herself for forgetting the man she was dealing with.

“If you don’t bring me a towel, I’m never speaking to you again.”

“I read it isn’t healthy for the relationship for one party to threaten to withhold affection if they don’t get what they want.”

Rei shivered and started to itch from just standing there dripping.

“You play too much.” She flailed her arms, slinging drops of water off her skin.

“Not as much as I would like.”

She pushed the shower curtain aside and stared him down, pinning him with her gaze, hands on her hips. Kakashi swallowed and she smiled like she’d won something.

“Come here.”

She beckoned him with a curled forefinger. He walked as if entranced, and she opened her arms to embrace him.

“Thank you for dinner last night. I don’t think I told you that.”

The only thing he registered was the water on her breasts dampening his t-shirt. He pulled wet hair from her face. She reached behind him and grabbed the towel and it slipped from his fingers like grease. She wrapped herself with it and he took her hand as she stepped out of the tub.

They shuffled down the hallway hanging onto each other, caught in a dance of impolite groping and untidy kisses. Her movements were the bigger mess, dizzy and deeply hungover from their play the night before. She pushed him back abruptly, turning to look for their pile of forgotten clothing.

“I’m going to be the picture of a fool walking out of here in that dress.”

“Rei?”

She stopped and turned around and he kissed her like time was running out, nearly taking her off the floor, the towel loosening around her. Reminding him of her schedule seemed pointless so she met his lips equally as he walked her backwards towards the couch. They collapsed on it and the insides of her thighs weakened. She pressed her hands on his chest, snapping herself back.

“Nope, nope. No. I have to go.”

Kakashi breathed deeply, trying to separate from his desire and his mounting fear. She picked up her dress and turned it right-side out. He watched her wiggle into it with a look on his face that she didn’t recognize. She zipped the dress and sat back down.

“You know, Kakashi, I meant what I said. ’About us being together. I’m okay with seeing where we go.”

He felt like a fool for sustaining even a speck of doubt. It was what he’d tried to convince her not to do, but reality started to set in. Every other time she had left, it was with the intention of staying away. After a while of him not speaking, she moved closer to him, concerned.

“I know I’ve been difficult, and I apologize.” She crossed her arms, watching his features soften at her words. “You thought I’d changed my mind, huh? Don’t tell me you were scared. I guess you really do care.”

She jabbed him in the shoulder half-heartedly. He still looked too serious like the earth had a crack running down the middle of it, but teasing him was the remedy to slow down her racing heart that hadn’t stopped running since he confessed his intentions.

“You know I care,” was all he finally said.

Another thick silence fell between them and Rei strapped on her shoes.

“So what are you doing tonight? Any plans?”

She wanted to normalize the notion of the two of them, to kill the feeling of rediscovery, to silence her undead habits that insisted on threatening everything. Kakashi slapped his thighs as if something had dawned on him.

“Well, Asuma hosts a get-together at his house every week. Kurenai usually cooks and we all just kind of hang out. ’Wanna go?”

A little hope had crept back in, and as soon as he asked, he realized how much he wanted her to accompany him as someone more than just a person he knew. Rei shuddered like he’d asked her to give up a limb.

“Yeah,” she said, and he could hear the apprehension in her voice until she forced some resolve into it. “Let’s do it. It’s the kind of stuff couples do, right?”

He nodded and she stood, backing towards the door slowly. He smiled, following her until she could no longer move. The door was cool against her body and she dreaded the summer heat that waited outside. He pressed his hands on either side of her.

“Couples, huh? I have to admit – I’m a little shocked you haven’t bolted out of here.”

Rei shrugged, surprised at herself more than anyone else could be.

“Well, Kakashi, it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” She found the door handle and turned around. “See you later.”

* * *

The beating of Rei’s heart was like a war drum, easy enough for Shirafune to home in on. They had her surrounded so an elevated heart rate clearly evidenced her desperation to think up a strategy for escaping their formation.

“You won't win today, _sensei_.” Shirafune signaled Yuri with a pointed finger.

He dove from a tree branch to ambush Rei, but his elbow sliced through nothing but white smoke. He crashed to the ground and rolled around from the pain of the messy landing. Shirafune called out to him but a sharp blow to the back of the neck made her double over, unconscious.

Rei walked over to Yuri who had gathered himself onto his knees at the sound of Shirafune’s clipped cry. Rei lunged forward, striking him in the abdomen and sending the taste flying out of his mouth. She brushed her hands together, disappointed by their performance. The sound of Umaeda mounting an attack made her alight from the ground and snap her head over her shoulder.

“Earth style, decomposition _jutsu_!”

Almost undetectable _chakra_ threads pulled her arms behind her back and Umaeda relished the sight of the minerals pouring out of her body.

“Got you, _sensei_.” The last word fell off his lips with a little bitterness.

“Do you?” Rei smirked.

Umaeda’s prey transformed into a withering wooden log before crumbling into ash. Rei appeared behind him and flicked his left shoulder with her middle finger, dislocating it. If Tsunade wanted _chūnin_ and _jōnin_ , it wouldn't be overnight.

Rei crouched down beside Umaeda and sighed.

“Stay away from me!” he shouted, scooting away.

“Shut up!” She yanked him by his able shoulder and administered medical _ninjutsu_. He turned to mush and fell back into her chest. “Poor thing. You must be in shock.”

“How were you able,” he strained, “to use a shadow clone and a substitution?”

She massaged his shoulder and cleared her throat.

“Yuri! Get up! I didn't even strike you that hard. Shirafune, rise and shine. Both of you, come here!”

They joined her and Umaeda at the edge of the field and crossed their legs to sit in the grass. Their heads hung with shame.

“Nope. Absolutely not! If anyone should be ashamed, I should. Let me tell you why you all can't catch me.”

She pushed Umaeda off of her and he grumbled as he crawled to sit beside his teammates.

“You're arrogant. You highly underestimate your enemy. Do that in a real battle and you're dead. Your enemies won't injure you and then heal you. This isn't a game. This isn't a pissing contest. Do you want to be ninja or not? Any more of this weak-hearted bullshit you displayed today and I'm sending you back to the Academy. Orochimaru would eat you for a midmorning snack.”

Defeat couldn't feel worse than the thunder in her reproach. They were sure of it.

“We're sorry,” Yuri spoke first.

In a glimmer, she saw herself in them, the way she used to be when her parents fought on behalf of the Leaf and kept her off the frontline.

* * *

_The next land over attacked when Rei was only six-years-old, slaughtering her clansmen in order to steal archives that they safeguarded, and burning her neighborhood to the ground. Three days later, a boy with hair that gleamed like a wolf’s fang dug her from the rubble._

_Kakashi looked like salvation. He'd run off from Sakumo, insisting there were survivors, swearing he could sense a waning, ‘great chakra’, and he found Rei, clothes tattered and mouth as dry as cotton. She hugged a set of scrolls as tall as she was, and the most vital secrets of Konohagakure remained kept._

_“Dad, over here! Hurry! It's a girl!”_

_She faded out of consciousness for days and when she fluttered her lashes from the smell of clean air, after all of the smoke had been purged from her lungs, he was there yet again, resting on folded arms at her bedside._

_“It’s you,” she said through an oxygen mask. “Who are you?”_

_“I’m Kakashi Hatake. I’m glad you’re awake.”_

_For a moment, as he smiled, it felt like her life hadn’t been incinerated. The Third Hokage entered the room and called her a hero for protecting the most important scrolls, and his eyes glazed over when he explained that she was the last of her clan. But Rei had already known. She’d lifted the lid of the underground tunnel where she promised her parents she would stay and saw them consumed by balls of fire. They died back to back and the pillars of the house they battled outside of snapped from the flames and fell on top of Rei. She lost her strength after she tunneled out and death didn’t seem so bad. She welcomed it until she heard the frantic heaving of a boy tossing shards of glass and pieces of wood out of his way to get to her._

_“I felt your chakra. I knew you were alive!” Kakashi shunned everyone’s accolades as they treated him like some kind of champion for saving Rei. “I don’t care about any of that stuff. I had to save you.”_

_The entire village raised her but it still got lonely at night when she retired to an empty home. When she missed her family the most, Kakashi arrived as certainly as the sand in an hourglass fell. Sometimes they talked until the sun came out. Sakumo always cooked too much so Kakashi brought food over. The miso soup could rival her mother’s and before long, Rei’s pain diminished to a constant, but dull ache. Her tears only overwhelmed her from time to time, and Kakashi was always there until he became acquainted with his own tragedies._

_All good things eventually came to an end._

* * *

Rei dismissed her students with a lot to think about regarding their futures as more than just _genin_ , and she contemplated how to spend the start of the afternoon. She had too much time to kill before everyone met up later.

Shizune’s advice finally interested her so she dawdled around town until she wandered near the cemetery. The Third _Hokage’s_ monument stood high, overlooking the scenery, and Rei steadied her breathing when she realized how nervous she’d become.

“I miss you, old man.” She moved closer to sweep her fingers over the plaque abridging his life story to here-and-there memories and massive accomplishments. “You did so much for me and I never got to thank you. I’m sorry I gave you so much hell.”

“Absolutely nothing has changed. If Dad was here, you’d still be driving him nuts.”

Asuma’s gravelly cadence froze her. He approached the plaque and stood beside her, puffs of smoke wisping from his lips and floating away in the breeze.

“The biggest asshole of _Konohagakure_ , folks. Right here.” Rei bowed. Faint redness painted Asuma’s cheeks and he frowned.

“Language. God! Have some respect.”

Rei’s face twisted as she thought of another quip but they were at his father’s gravesite and if she walked about a hundred paces, she might hear her own turning in his grave or denouncing her brazen tongue.

“Sorry,” she said through poked lips.

Asuma sighed and extinguished the cigarette he’d smoked all the way up to its filter. Various condolences wanted to escape her in hopes of consoling him. It hadn’t been long since the Third’s death, but nothing she wanted to say seemed genuine enough to penetrate Asuma's hatred of her.

“Kakashi said you’ll be joining us tonight. ’Not gonna lie, I’m shocked.”

Rei exhaled like she was exhausted and turned to see Asuma completely.

“Ok, what the fuck is your problem with me, really? You’ve been a bastard since we were kids and I’m tired of it. Don’t think you need to hold back because you’re a guy, Asuma. I’ll take you on if a fight is what you’re looking for.”

Asuma cringed and mouthed a quick apology to his father before turning to look at her face to face.

“There’s that explosive temper you’ve trademarked. You’re not helping to improve my perception of you.”

“Screw your perception, Asuma. No need to worry about making sure there are enough seating arrangements tonight. I wouldn’t set foot in your house if someone paid me. I’ve never done anything to you and yet you act like I’m so awful.”

Asuma remembered how long it took to get a word out of Kakashi after she left and his anger reignited.

“It must be nice to walk around clueless of other people’s pain. You got assigned to that mission and left so fast you made my head swim. You didn’t even say goodbye to him, Rei. Do you know how nerve wracking it was watching one of my best friends deteriorate after everything he’d already gone through?”

Asuma was wrong. Pain was an old acquaintance of hers and grief an even older one.

“Nobody knows my mistakes better than I do. I’m sorry.”

In an instant, he saw all of her defenses crumble and he regretted tearing her down, but there wasn’t any time for him to entertain her side of things because she took off, and left his head swimming all over again.

* * *

Breathing wasn’t easy with her face planted in her pillows, but it didn’t bother her as much as facing her demons again. She tried to stop allowing Asuma’s words to dismantle the good place she’d found again with Kakashi, but she couldn’t help thinking that they were just failing at repatching something that had already been ripped to shreds.

She rolled over and lightly slapped her cheeks, scolding herself for falling back into the habit of reaching for excuses. Nothing could change the past, but in the meantime, she’d skip out on seeing Asuma’s ugly mug.

“Fuck you, Asuma Sarutobi.”

The buzz from the doorbell made her pull a pillow over her head, but three short buzzes and one obnoxiously long one made her realize it was Kakashi. She fell out of bed roughly and sighed as she answered the door.

“Yo,” she said, leaving it open and walking away towards the kitchen.

Kakashi stood dumbly for several seconds before stepping inside and shutting the door. Rei poured a glass of water and reentered the living room.

“You ready to go?” Her old tank top and slouchy sweatpants said otherwise.

Everything about her energy puzzled him, but he’d discarded his fear when they last spoke.

“Not going,” she told him nonchalantly like the plans they made were a fantasy. “Do you want something to drink? I should have asked at first.”

She pulled the band holding her weak ponytail off and downed the water. Kakashi slid his forefinger down the length of her hair and shook his head.

“No problem. I’m not thirsty.” His words came out like they’d been badly rehearsed. “What’s the matter? Why don’t you want to go anymore?”

“I just don’t.”

She tried shimmying out of the space he’d closed her in but he subdued her with a knowing look. He rubbed her shoulders and came down a little to meet her eye-level and she fidgeted, trying to figure out how to answer any one of his questions without really saying anything.

“Rei…”

She tapped her foot and he was a little jarred by her actions. He repeated her name and she held her head down. Silly didn’t begin to describe how she felt, evading him to his face, but she didn’t want to sling mud on Asuma’s name. Not in Kakashi’s presence anyway.

“Are you honestly not going to tell me what’s wrong? It’s couple stuff so you kind of should.”

The idea of allowing chain smoker, Asuma Sarutobi to come between them after Kakashi had half-fucked her in a restaurant and carried her out, mortified with an injured ankle, compelled her to be honest so she straightened up and lifted her head.

“I ran into Asuma earlier.”

She didn’t have to say very much more. The way Kakashi’s face changed ensured that. He let her walk away, unable to devise anything cheeky enough to right her countenance or overpower whatever Asuma had said. He held out hope that something would dawn on him. Only their own forgiveness of each other and vow to move forward mattered to him, but words were seeds. The ground they fell on foretold the harvest.

He ventured asking her what she and Asuma discussed, the whole time, keeping still. She had travelled back to the kitchen and remained there as if it was a hiding place. Jiving him with her silence was unfair so she swallowed her breaths and spoke. Not one thing came out the way she wanted.

“I’ve had time to think about what I did and it hurt too much. That’s why I figured I’d distance myself the minute I returned to _Konohagakure_. I decided that you must have hated me so it was okay. Even still, I wonder why you didn’t just let me keep walking when I came back.”

“I knew the sex would be good.”

Her mouth closed like it’d been screwed shut and all he did was smile, pleased with himself and her reaction. Nothing she wanted to say next felt important anymore and she laughed from her soul. It felt safe to enter the kitchen so he did. Her tension started to melt and he pulled the drawstring of her pants to bring her closer to him.

“You know I don’t care what Asuma thinks. Still, it’d be nice if you two could end this feud so I think we should go and hash it out once and for all.”

Rei wanted to see the logic in that, but her look turned into wariness and Kakashi kissed her forehead, a bit overconfident in there being a resolution. She tried to consider a best-case scenario, but sometimes people didn’t get along. There was no point in defying simple facts of life, but greater than that, she didn’t want to live as if everything revolved around her comfort and ignore Kakashi’s feelings. That was the heart of Asuma’s gripe. Sooner or later, if she and Asuma didn’t resolve things, it would hurt Kakashi so she left for her bedroom and he waited while she changed. If caring about someone meant putting them first, she’d test the truth in that.

* * *

The music from inside the house rattled the windows and the door hummed against the back of Kakashi’s hands as he rapped at it. The only thing he and Rei heard was the beat of a song and Guy’s voice. Rei dismissed the tickle of laughter in her throat as it dawned on her that she hadn’t seen Guy since she returned.

“What?” Kakashi asked, knocking harder.

“Guy.” And she didn’t need to say another word.

The door swung open and Kurenai greeted them, face lit up. She held out a tray with drinks to them. Kakashi took it, and Rei traded a platter of desserts.

“Ooh, good call. We don’t have anything sweet. Nice to see you both. ’Might as well get comfortable.”

Rei swiped a drink from the tray and Kakashi followed suit, taking the last one. He caught Guy’s eye and stole away to the kitchen to return the tray and Rei put her hands on her hips, walking towards Guy, meeting him halfway. The bump of the music made her feet tingle. Before she could open her mouth to speak, Guy scooped her up in his arms, pulling her from the floor. She tightened her hand around the bottleneck of her drink and slapped him on the shoulder with her free hand.

“I’ve missed you too, Guy!”

Kakashi looked over at them, shaking his head. Asuma came up behind him and dealt him a strong pat on the back.

“So she came, huh?”

“Asuma…” Kakashi felt all of his strategies for brokering a truce between them exit his memory. “These nights are about us having fun, right?” Asuma nodded and Kakashi punctuated his thoughts. “So let’s do that.”

“Konoha Trivia is the next game, I think. Let’s form teams.” Hibiki boxed up one game and pulled the lid off the trivia game.

A new plan presented itself to Kakashi. He volunteered to assign teams, two members each. Kurenai and Guy, Hibiki and himself, Kotetsu and Anko…

“And last but certainly not least – Rei and Asuma.”

The room went silent. The last song on the playlist ended and Rei looked like something had sucked the color out of her face. Asuma lit a cigarette and Kurenai shook her head at him before he remembered there was no smoking inside the house. He always chastised Shikamaru for balking at everything that was asked of him, but he felt more like his student than ever before.

“Well,” Hibiki broke the silence, “let’s get on with it.”

Kakashi took a seat beside him and everyone else filed in, leaving Asuma and Rei standing beside each other like two actors who’d forgotten their lines and how to improvise. Her sideways glance sliced him and he closed his eyes and turned his nose towards the ceiling.

“This isn’t a picnic for me either, you know?”

“Come on, you idiot,” she said, dragging him over to the round table. “I make a habit of winning and you aren’t going to get in the way of that.”

The rules were simple enough. Draw every card and read its question, tap a buzzer to answer, earn a point or points if the answer was correct, earn nothing if incorrect, and once at the end of the deck, tally up the scores.

_“The first Hokage’s special jutsu involved this element?”_

Rei’s fingers were rapid fire when she tapped the buzzer, and Asuma had to look twice even though he’d already missed it the first time.

“Wood,” she answered.

Guy, also acting as scorekeeper, recorded their point and the game rolled on very much the same. Rei barely let a breath pass between the reading of the questions, and her and Asuma’s answers.

“Kakashi, ’last time I checked you were a lightning user, but here we are getting our butts handed to us. What gives?” Guy tried to smother his competitive nature.

Rei cut her eyes at them as Asuma whispered in her ear. Kakashi shrugged Guy off and reached for the next card. When everyone confirmed they were ready, he read the next question.

“What –”

The letters of the next words swirled around each other putting him somewhere between dizziness and nausea. He couldn’t even hear everyone insisting that he finish reading. Kotetsu snatched the card from him.

“What was the specialty of the Horoshima clan?”

A few seconds later, it dawned on him, and all the eyes in the room turned on Rei. Without fail, she slammed the buzzer with the palm of her hand.

“Archiving.”

She took the scratch paper with the scores and added up the numbers. She and Asuma enjoyed a fifteen-point lead and the game. The room went glassy and she thought if she put the paper back down or proclaimed their victory too loudly, everything around her would break into innumerable pieces. She didn’t like the feeling that they were all on the tips of their toes, reading her, not being able to read her.

“I’m okay, you guys. Really. It was a long time ago,” she said, taking her cup to the kitchen for a refill.

Asuma packed up the cards and Kakashi wondered if things would be better if he’d taken her up on her offer to stay in. After replenishing her drink, Rei went outside. The music restarted and they’d all finally thawed out. Kakashi followed her and found her leaning on the side of the complex looking up at the sky.

“I didn’t mean to react that way.” He rested beside her closely.

“It’s okay. I’ve only ever talked to you about losing my family once, and I’ve never talked about it with anyone else except the Third Hokage. It’s normal that you all think it’s a soft, untouchable spot.”

Kakashi brought her close to his chest and glided his hand down the length of her arm. Asuma gently placed a trash bag in the dumpster, feeling the weight of shame. Everyone had their own pain and dealt with it their own way.

“I hear you, Dad. Maybe I have been a little too hard on her.”

He fired a cigarette and walked to the other side where they were and Rei tried to look over Kakashi’s shoulder to see who was coming but her height wouldn’t allow it. Kakashi turned around and the scent of smoke wafted around them.

“You guys coming back in? We haven’t even put a dent in the games and I can’t lose my partner.” He smiled at Rei and she tilted her head to the side.

“Is that so? Well, you’d better pull your weight this time, Sarutobi.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Rei and Asuma went back inside the house and it was Kakashi’s turn to peer up into the dark expanse dotted with twinkling stars that shined like they knew so much more than he ever would. Sometimes things worked out in mysterious ways and it was better not to question that.

* * *

The honeymoon phase was fleeting, and the threat of danger still lurked just outside of their bliss. In the mornings, especially, Kakashi found it hard to peel himself away from Rei’s warmth.

“You’ve turned me into a moth,” he mused, breathing in the ocean scent of her hair.

She mumbled something in her sleep, and it nearly pained him to disturb her queenly rest, to unsettle the achingly beautiful way her bangs fluttered with her lashes, but he wouldn’t know how long his mission would keep them apart until he met with Tsunade.

He dragged his lips over her shoulder and she stirred, reaching back to touch his face.

“Shit.” She scratched his cheek and opened her mouth barely to yawn. “Today’s the day, isn’t it?”

“Yep. God, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so lazy.” Teasing her was a pastime he’d try not to long for when he set out.

“I wonder whose fault that is, asshole.” The corners of her lips curved a little and she turned to face him.

He rubbed the tip of her nose, fancying the early morning flush of it. He contemplated the next days, all of them flashing across his mind and nearly robbing him of the joy of the moment.

“You should get going, right?” Rei nudged him with a finger.

“Yeah, okay.”

* * *

“We have reason to believe one of the Akatsuki hideouts is just outside _Kirigakure_ located here.” Tsunade pointed at a map and Kakashi leaned over her desk to take a look.

“You are to go here and scope it out. I think three weeks of reconnaissance will be enough to give us an idea of who is there and what their next step is. I want you to leave tonight.”

Kakashi took the map and rolled it, nodding that he understood. He moved to the door and Tsunade stopped him by slamming her hands on the desk.

“Kakashi…” She paused because the weight of ordering people to risk their lives was about to weaken her voice.

“Do not engage anyone. All I want you to do is watch and come back here in one piece. That is an order.”

“Yes, milady.”

* * *

_He didn’t visit her for three days, hurled by the other kids at the Academy into believing that he’d allowed a girl to distract him from his training. He was a ninja and she was the dying ember of a clan that had lived and died by pacifism._

_“Do not forget what is important, Kakashi.” Sakumo had always stood against training too hard, but back then, Kakashi wanted to outrun weakness above anything so he girded his mind and body against it._

_“The battles will always come, and the things you value most won’t always stay.”_

Rei had slipped in through the cracks, and parting with her was something that conceded to the inevitable battle, and Kakashi wished he’d listened to his father.

* * *

They met outside her door as if they’d timed each other’s footsteps. Kakashi’s eyes softened to mask his disappointment in saying goodbye. A few hours weren’t enough to prepare but a ninja does not court drama when there is a mission. All his teachings failed him one by one, drowning in the blue of her eyes and he wondered when he’d become so sentimental.

Rei jiggled the key around, perturbed that it still jammed in the lock after so much time. She felt the waning ember of Kakashi’s preparedness, and wanted to give voice to her own wishes that he could stay. They would keep sinking in blissful feelings, and pretend Orochimaru had never come back. Despite how attractive that sounded, the _shinobi_ in her refused to be silly. Nothing was a game anymore and she only had herself to blame for their wasted time.

Kakashi wrote off his fogginess of mind as some spell Rei had cast without his knowledge. Any excuse was a good one to strengthen his resolve.

“So…” She dragged the word, seeing that he’d not come all the way back from drifting off.

“’Looks like I’ll be gone a whopping three weeks.”

He pushed three fingers up, one after the other, and Rei smiled, moved closer, and wrapped him in her arms.

“Why so gloomy then? That isn’t an unusual amount of time.” She inquired, half testing him and half attempting to outline, for her own sake, that the separation wouldn’t be a heavy thing to bear.

“Because I’ll miss you… very much.”

She echoed him with a weight on her voice, understanding why she hadn’t given him a farewell the last time. No matter how long or what reason someone went away, nothing could satisfy the void they left behind.

“Rei,” he started, but covered the pause after her name with a cough, “I –”

She eyed him expectantly, captivated by the gentleness in the way he’d called her.

“It’s nothing. I’ll see you when I get back. Don’t kill those kids of yours, and if you could do me a favor – look out for Naruto.”

She blinked a few times to dispel whatever she believed he was going to say, and nodded. It was easier to kiss her than keep up any more tedious talk so he left all his promises on her lips and disappeared into the darkness of the night. Rei watched him fade from her view, and when she closed the door, she couldn’t remember her apartment ever feeling so quiet.


	5. The Past and Future Are Fluid Things

**“Time is this really fluid thing. Now is now, but the past is now and the future too.”**   **\- Niama Safia Sandy**

* * *

In her youth, Rei’s desires were infinite; not one kind of future could she pick out for herself. Perhaps it was the books—all the imagination that littered their pages, giving hope to her heart.

Living on the outskirts of the village never made sense to her. The city’s hustle and bustle were attractive. Dirt in the lines of her fingers and paper cuts from organizing the library seemed insignificant contributions in comparison to the children learning the art of war at the Academy.

“Conflict is more than it should be,” her mother had said. “We ought not disagree on simple things. I cannot fight to deprive others in the name of preserving myself.”

Her mother’s bitterness for _shinobi_ was always understood even though she never condemned them with plain speech. But Rei’s mind meditated on the possibilities, and her family met its end for ignoring the ways of the world. They never needed to be warriors, but the skills might have been useful in the end. Rei dreamed a new dream when she awoke in the hospital, realizing Kakashi, a _shinobi_ , had saved her life—she never wanted to be saved again.

Her mother’s grave marker glistened in the sun as if the stone had been made of many kinds of gems. Complicated and beautiful and fitting.

“Conflict is more than it should be, Mama. It extracts a heavy price.”

Rei lay back on the grass she thought would never grow out of the scorched earth again. All that remained of her home were graves, the result of dreaming only one, single thing. Tears welled inside her ears and her heart raced at the truth that some things cannot ever change.

* * *

Sitting and waiting was a bitch. Kakashi watched one more non- _Akatsuki_ member exit the compound. So far, he gathered that they employed a bunch of failures. They all came and went empty-handed.

The sound of Pakkun’s piss landing on a patch of dirt was a welcome distraction. Not even the idea that all the _Akatsuki_ could corner and kill him kept him interested or alert enough to endure the monotony. Pakkun shook his leg and walked over to Kakashi, stopping at his side.

“What’s it looking like, boss?”

“Like a bunch of nothing.” Kakashi uncapped his canteen and let the cold water chill his throat. “I feel like we need to move in closer.”

“And get ourselves wiped out, you mean? At least dying would end this boredom.”

“Glad to know we’re on the same page. But seriously, I need to see what they’re doing. These lackeys have been tasked with retrieving something. They’re coming back with updates, but not bringing anything tangible.”

“Maybe all they have is updates.”

“It can’t just be that. The _Akatsuki_ want to round up all the _jinchūriki_. It’s been three days. I don’t think they’d waste so much time on just information.”

“Let’s grab one of those idiots on their way back and make them talk. May make our job easier and we can go home. Or you can get home... you know? To Rei.” Pakkun’s tail wagged. Kakashi tried and failed not to smile.

Kakashi and Pakkun moved to the beginning of the path the underlings took to the compound. Kakashi thought it strange they used the same route every day, but he’d know whether he was dealing with fools or a trap soon enough.

Night fell and he rested against a tree. He tore open a package of crackers and chewed softly. He missed real food. It’d been some time since he had a proper mission. Everything revolved around Naruto now. It had been Sasuke before. He remembered the fish he ate on his ‘just dinner’ date with Rei. The flavor was wealthy.

“I wonder what you’re doing,” he mumbled, almost asleep.

Pakkun wiggled himself to consciousness and rose to his feet.

“Kakashi, rest a bit. I’ll keep watch and bite you or something to wake you up.”

“Pakkun, just between us, you and Rei are a lot alike.”

* * *

The faint scent of Kakashi’s cologne lingered despite Rei’s third day of wiping down counters and preventing dust from settling. Lemon-fresh-something mingling with his cologne reminded her of her first night back. She smiled at the memory of his persistence. The power of the application of time to any situation amazed her. She’d spent so long reliving regrets and it all seemed to change suddenly.

Sabotaging their relationship hadn’t occurred to her since he left and she was grateful that she at least tried to make a genuine attempt to feel at home. Knowing something was bad and doing it anyway was as easy and damaging as looking directly into the sun sometimes.

But Kakashi was patient. She knew it, felt it, had slowly begun to accept it. He’d been relentless in showing it with his gentle, but niggling way of romancing her.

She ran a feather duster over his book collection, luxuriating in the way it enraptured her every time she visited. Her years of archiving with her mother and father and grandparents had tattooed countless stories onto her soul. She could retell the village’s history in three parts based on each _Hokage_ —all the parts that predated her time away. Being a librarian might not have been her destiny but an affection for the sour smell of old book pages was still in her blood.

Her cleaning fell on his ‘smut section’ as she liked to call it. ‘Erotic literature’, Kakashi always insisted. Jiraiya had an unapologetic fanboy. Handwritten messages from Jiraiya preceded all of Kakashi’s copies from the _Makeout Paradise_ series, the most treasured jewels of his vast library that scaled the wall.

Jiraiya’s handwriting was nothing Rei would expect from a heralded author and legendary ninja, but she remembered the lack of rhyme or reason to the spikes of hair on his head. Jiraiya was many inexplicable contradictions. Nothing about him fit the bill. She started reading one of the notes, aloud at first, voice slowly dropping off.

_Kakashi,_

_I think you’ll especially like this one. The protagonist enjoys the ride of his life. – Jiraiya_

The ink slurred across the yellowing pages of the coveted first edition. Rei drew in a long breath, disturbed by what had felt like a warning, but she turned the page anyway. The book fell open to an over-read passage and lay flat from its spine being snapped down the middle.

_“She called his name insistently as his hands squeezed her milky curves. They came together in a perfect ensemble, desperately as she bucked and arched on top of him as if she were a horse rider, and he her noble bronco...”_

“Jiraiya!” Rei shouted, prompting the silence of the neighbors that hadn’t stopped chattering on the other side of the wall.

She shoved the book back in its place, closed her eyes and leaned against the wall to unsee what she’d read. Rumor had it that Jiraiya wrote while heavily drunk, and Rei decided it had to be the truth. Only drunkenness could sire his cringeworthy writing.

Rei exited Kakashi’s apartment, after watering his barely-clinging-to-life house plants, feeling like she had new life of her own. The days were strange without his affection. She grew nervous at the idea of missing him, but she took a deep breath and reminded herself that if she didn’t miss the man she shared her time and body with, something probably wasn’t right. Kakashi felt right, more right than pushing him away had.

Down the street, people were scattered, taking advantage of the early morning crowd at the farmer’s market. Rei smelled watermelon on the morning air. Her stomach burned with hunger. She jumped the railing and landed on the ground, garnering an impressed stare from a girl sweeping her front porch. The girl’s mother stepped outside to inspect her daughter’s work and nodded approvingly.

“Good morning,” Rei said. “Would you two like some watermelon?”

The girl nodded quickly, eyes twinkling. Her mother stammered from the unexpected kindness, and Rei interpreted both responses as a ‘yes’. She rushed to the fruit cart and purchased two watermelons.

“They’re so big!” The girl clapped.

“Here.” Rei held out the melons.

The woman opened the door and let Rei come inside. Their home was modest, lightly furnished. On the mantle of the fireplace incense burned next to a picture of the woman and her daughter sitting on a man’s shoulders.

“Thank you so much for the fruit. I haven’t had enough money for anything fresh this month. The canned stuff is alright but it isn’t the same.” The woman looked ashamed, as if someone would judge her for feeding her child canned food.

She sent her daughter to the kitchen to put away the broom.

“I’m Natsumi. My daughter’s name is Ariah.” Natsumi noticed Rei couldn’t help glancing at the photo. “My husband died when Orochimaru attacked. He was a _chūnin_.”

Rei went breathless for a minute as if Natsumi’s grief were something foreign.

“I’m very sorry about your husband.” Rei introduced herself and found it difficult to say anything else.

“I hate looking like we need handouts.” Natsumi took the picture frame from the mantle. “Is it really so obvious. We just haven’t gotten the pension yet or the insurance money.”

“I didn’t know. I—I was on a mission during the attack. Natsumi, I only wanted to share the watermelon. I apologize if it seemed like I was pitying you.”

Ariah stood against the threshold separating the common area from the kitchen. Natsumi nodded and quickly rubbed her eyes. She didn’t mean for her truth to spill out. Rei recognized the feeling of trying to keep things together. It was only possible for so long.

“Thank you again, Rei. I should be getting breakfast ready.” Natsumi smiled at Ariah, features brightening. Ariah reminded her mother that she’d promised pancakes.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

Rei didn’t mean to rush to the door, but it felt like she’d made their day even worse. The door closed behind her and she lost her appetite.

It was time for a meeting Tsunade had called, time to make even more conflict.

* * *

Kakashi and Pakkun took turns sleeping until morning. There was no pattern to who returned to the compound or how many came back on a given day. The heat was already sweltering. Kakashi splashed the last of his water on his face and he stood to better observe his surroundings, eyes darting over the scene.

From no discernible point of origin, a shuriken shot towards him with a paper bomb attached to it, flapping in the wind.

“Pakkun!”

Kakashi manifested a stone wall quickly enough for it to intercept the shuriken and crumble. He evaded the tumbling rocks. A swift kick from behind cracked his back. His feet skidded across the ground and he took a deep breath, composing himself. The kick didn’t have a lot of power and he wondered if the enemy held back.

“Leaf ninja”, his assailant said.

“You work for the _Akatsuki_.”

Chakra threads tightened around Kakashi.

“Shit,” he cursed.

The enemy smiled until what he believed was Kakashi went up in a puff of smoke.

“I should have expected as much... Kakashi of the _Sharingan_.”

Kakashi was actually perched still on a high, tree branch surveilling if he’d have to fight one enemy or more. He couldn’t see or sense anyone else.

“The guys and I have the area surrounded. It’s just you and him,” Pakkun confirmed.

“Good.”

Kakashi watched the enemy look for him, head bobbing quickly, letting Kakashi know that he at least hadn’t been underestimated.

“I-I don’t know. I lost him,” the enemy said. There was a communicator curled around his ear.

Kakashi seized the opportunity to descend on him with the Lightning Blade. The searing electricity sliced through the enemy’s robes and chest and he was buried in a crater caused by the attack.

“Where—“ he wheezed.

Kakashi snatched the communicator from his ear and incinerated it in his hand. He placed his foot on the man’s neck and pressed down. The man gargled for air.

“If it isn’t too much trouble,” Kakashi leaned down as his foot continued to press, “tell me everything you know about the _Akatsuki_.”

* * *

All available _jōnin_ filed into the conference room for the meeting scheduled by Shizune the night before. Rei thought of her students and how inconsistent their training had been. They were away on a mission with a _chūnin_ substitute. It felt off making them someone else’s responsibility. She pushed the thought aside and noticed Kurenai and Anko at the refreshments table.

“I’m gaining weight,” Anko groaned. “I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t say no to sweets lately.” She picked up a skewer of dumplings and slid them into her mouth in one go.

Kurenai chuckled, blowing down the spout of her paper cup of hot tea. The room was frigid. Rei shifted her weight from one foot to another and contemplated whether or not she should join them, feeling like they weren’t strangers, but not quite friends either.

“Rei Horoshima, would you bring your ass over here and stop looking like you got stuck on the wall at the sock hop?”

Rei blanched at Anko’s words. Everyone heard her, so everyone naturally looked at Rei. Some whispered. Not everyone had seen her upon her return. She sighed. She might have avoided it if she hadn’t hesitated to begin with. She joined them and Anko handed her a bottle of water.

“Room temp since they’ve got us in a goddamn icebox. Haven’t seen you since game night. You’re such a ghost.”

“Anko—” Kurenai started and stopped herself. “Everything alright, Rei? You haven’t been at the offices.”

Rei coached herself out of being annoyed. She hated hesitating but it was clear why she did.

“Higher ups aren’t saying anything yet, but we’re clearly on some kind of alert. As of last week, _jōnin_ with established teams have been prepping them for special ops, but since I’ve only had my team a short while, I’ve more or less been forced to pass them off to a sub so they stay on low-ranked missions. I was tasked with making them ready for _chūnin_ , but it looks like things are worse than we thought.”

If conflict was more than it should be, at least someone had the good sense not to send children barely out of the Academy to their deaths. Rei could glean a bit of relief from that to squelch the dread of whatever threat they were up against.

Kurenai nodded. She’d been pushing Hinata, Shino, and Kiba to their limits for reasons she couldn’t even explain to them.

“I forgot you had three babies under you, Rei. I’m surprised they haven’t driven you crazy yet. You weren’t the hard up for a boyfriend, flower picking-type when we were in school.” Anko discarded her third stick of dumplings.

“I don’t recall that being you either, Anko.” Kurenai finally sipped her tea.

Rei shook her head, being careful not to roll her eyes. A shiver climbed up her back as the intensity of Tsunade’s chakra approached the door.

“She is _pissed_.” Anko took a deep breath. “Let’s take our seats.”

Tsunade entered, appearing calm. She sat at a table facing everyone, Shizune to her right. Several minutes overflowing with silence passed.

“The _Akatsuki_ has abducted the Two Tails.” Tsunade cut to the point. “If we don’t get it together, they will take Naruto Uzumaki and well, I don’t even want to focus on that. We don’t know when or how they’ll strike but Kakashi Hatake sent word last night that he’s performing information extraction. As you all should know, Kakashi’s methods are flawless.

“They most certainly are,” the woman seated in front of Rei said softly.

Another woman slapped her forearm.

“I’m just saying. All I need him to do is come back in one piece.”

They both laughed. Rei scoffed. Kurenai sank into her seat. Anko slide her tongue along her gums and cheeks to catch pieces of dumplings.

* * *

Kakashi strung his assailant up by the ankles and had him fixed against the wall in a cave Pakkun and some of the other hounds made inconspicuous with foliage. It was nearly thirty minutes into his questioning, and the man had revealed enough to ensure he’d die regardless. Even so, Kakashi knew he still held something back.

Kakashi pulled a wire from a pocket on his vest and grabbed the man by his right forearm. He poked a finger at the ball of socks in the man’s mouth and pushed gently.

“Tadaoki, was it?”

Tadaoki nodded and Kakashi gripped one of his fingers.

“I’m going to remove your fingernails now. Nod your head if you suddenly remember something and feel like sharing it.”

Tadaoki’s pupils enlarged to saucers and Kakashi drove the wire underneath the nail of his forefinger. The sound of constrained agony was more troublesome than liberated screaming. It was a physical manifestation of helplessness; knowing no one could hear, feeling adrenaline flood the body with nowhere to run. Tadaoki’s eyelids drooped and Kakashi stopped to slap him. The nail gave from Tadaoki’s flesh and fell to the ground.

“Wake up.” Kakashi applied some gravity to his voice. “Tell me how the _Akatsuki_ capture the jinchūriki.”

Tadaoki swooned and spat. Kakashi slung blood and sweat from his hands. He cocked his head to the side, examined his captive, and ran a finger down the length of an unsullied wire. Holding it to Tadaoki’s eye, Kakashi waited for him to give as he pressed the wire closer. Tadaoki writhed, jerking and crashing against the wall, trying to spit out the socks but failing. Finally, he nodded. Kakashi pulled the socks from his mouth and tossed them aside.

“So far... they’ve... retrieved two by pure luck. They need... the Black Star _jutsu_. Someone... someone’s on the inside.”

Kakashi cursed. Rei had spent seven years searching for the Black Star Society’s secrets.

_“...and I believe this may be connected to the Akatsuki...”_

He remembered Tsunade’s words right before he barged into her office the day Rei returned.

“The answer’s... in the Root.”

“Danzo,” Kakashi whispered.

Tadaoki’s heart stopped and Kakashi was grateful for the timing. The Third had given Rei the mission to procure the scrolls at Danzo’s behest. Kakashi left the cave and recorded the information, attached it to a hawk’s leg. The bird pierced the sky to _Konohagakure_.

“It seems we’ve been found out.”

A twig snapped under Itachi Uchiha’s foot. Kakashi turned to see his blood red and black eyes.

“Hello, Kakashi. It’s been a while.”

* * *

“God, your place is immaculate. Where do you find the time, Rei?” Anko abandoned her shoes at the door and marveled at Rei’s apartment.

Rei smiled and unloaded the paper bags from their haul at the liquor store. The _sake_ cost too much but the cherry blossoms on the bottle were pretty. She pulled three cups from a cabinet and Kurenai and Anko joined her in the kitchen. She overpoured and downed her cup before Kurenai and Anko could comment on the liquor’s quality. Anko noticed Rei’s mail and found her conversation-starter.

“So… have you guys read Jiraiya’s latest novel? They’re saying it’s his best yet. I mean, I’m not going to lie—it’s pretty hot. I stayed up all night with it.”

Kakashi’s forwarded mail sat in a basket with the newest addition to the _Makeout_ series resting on top. Rei grimaced.

Anko gave her a funny look. “I take it you don’t care for—”

“Smut? No, Anko, I don’t, but Jiraiya has a faithful following. Kakashi’s his number one fan.” Rei groaned from the burn of the alcohol, trying to forget the women at the jōnin meeting.

Kurenai put the drink she hadn’t tasted on the counter. The tension in the room was enough of a depressant. Since Asuma was too stiff to be popular with the ladies, Rei figured Kurenai could never relate.

It was as if Kurenai had an energy like perpetual happiness or mere acceptance of all the ways of the world, and Rei wouldn’t admit it to anyone (not even Kakashi), but she appreciated Kurenai’s nature—envied it. Kurenai seemed so in love with Asuma in an easy way as if it were something she just told herself to do and did it. It wasn’t troubled like the feelings Rei had for Kakashi. Kurenai loved Asuma with all of the destiny and none of the fate.

“Speaking of Kakashi,” Anko redirected, breaking Rei’s appreciation of Kurenai, “you two were kind of cozy at game night. Reliving the past?”

Anko refilled her own cup, admiring the weight of it. Kurenai smiled and finally drank something.

“Not really.” Rei wasn’t lying but she wasn’t clarifying anything either.

“Starting fresh.” Kurenai spoke for her.

“Good shit.” Anko paused awkwardly. “Kakashi’s something else. Great guy though.”

Rei cut her eyes at Anko and with a little force, reclaimed the bottle.

“Meaning?” Rei gripped the neck of the bottle.

“Ok, so those girls at the meeting, Sara and Mina, you heard them, didn’t you? _‘They most certainly are’._ ” Anko did her best to mock them, speech already beginning to fuzz.

“Anko, cut it out. Sara and Mina are a bit immature but there’s no point in mocking them over something as basic as sex.”

“Sex with _Kakashi_. The most eligible bachelor in the village until our little Rei- _chan_ came home.” Anko’s grin snaked across the whole of her face.

Rei wondered why she socialized sometimes. She didn’t really desire friends.

“So Rei, if I’m out of bounds, lemme know, but what did you put on him to suddenly make him so exclusive?”

Rei’s irritation blistered. She opened her mouth to speak, but Kurenai had a worried look partially glazed by a quick buzz, so she chose her next words carefully.

“I didn’t do anything. Kakashi is still Kakashi.”

“Bullshit!” Anko rolled her eyes.

“He seems very happy that you’re back, Rei.” Kurenai voiced Anko’s feelings more efficiently. “You two have a second chance.”

“Now you guys can screw like there’s no tomorrow.” Anko flashed another grin.

Rei finished the _sake_ directly from the bottle. Two bottles later, Anko hadn’t let other people’s sex lives off the hook, and she tested how invasive she could be.

“Kurenai, no offense, but you and Asuma strike me as one-positioners.”

“Anko, just because you say ‘no offense’ doesn’t mean your next offensive words get a pass.” Rei tried to understand what was wrong with Anko, why her mouth ran without a filter to such a degree.

“It’s none of your business but Asuma and I enjoy a varied sex life.”

Anko sucked her teeth at “varied”. Rei and Asuma had waved the white flag on their feud but she was by no means ready to accidentally imagine him in bed.

“Sex in public?” Anko chipped purple polish from her nails. “Kotetsu and I did it in my office.”

“Kotetsu?” Kurenai tried to process the information and the alcohol. “I—uh. Asuma and I have never been in public.”

“Varied, huh?” Anko scoffed.

Rei didn’t mean to laugh. It began as a light sniggle but ballooned into something obnoxious. Kurenai huffed but wasn’t hurt.

“Kakashi and I tried in that tiny ass restroom at Sendoku. I almost broke my ankle.”

That night Rei had finally agreed to see if a relationship with him could work. She covered her face to hide the glow the memory had given her.

“I knew it! Asuma said you two had fooled around!”

Anko and Rei stared at Kurenai, nearly risen from the table as if she’d uncovered the biggest mystery of the village.

“Woah, there, girl. Woah.” Anko put her hands up cautiously.

Rei just shook her head. Getting drunk remedied her frustration. Mentally, she chided herself for trying to hold Kakashi’s past against him. It was just a receptacle to misplace her frustration more than anything.

“ _Hellooo_ , Rei, where’d you go?” Anko waved a hand in front of Rei to get her attention.

“I miss him. It’s only been three days. I left him for seven years. I’m the worst.” Rei put her head down on the table.

Kurenai rubbed her back and Anko searched for words of comfort. Rei lifted her head weakly and vomited.

“Yikes.” Anko said, scooting away. “Ok, Rei- _chan_ , where do you keep the towels?”

* * *

 _Mangekyō sharingan_ felt like tiny needles pricking the brain again and again. Kakashi’s wasn’t perfected and in truth, he preferred a more direct approach than trapping someone in the death of their hopes and dreams, or worst nightmare. But against Itachi, he knew he’d have to use all the power he could summon. 

Itachi just watched him, didn’t commit one act of provocation, and Kakashi surmised that he was locked in a standstill with a shadow clone. He listened for the wind to change and it did, sweeping behind his back and lifting the tails of his headband. He turned to swing, then ducked and swiped a leg through the grass to knock Itachi off his feet. With two backflips, Itachi landed several meters away from him.

“You’re stronger than I believed, Kakashi. This is different than last time.” Itachi spoke as if he existed before the world was, like he knew all of its secrets.

“Last time we had company.” Kakashi said more seriously than he wanted, feeling more tense than he wanted.

This wasn’t the way to face an Uchiha; one on one without the hope of backup, but Kakashi had counted on the inevitability despite Tsunade’s forced optimism. Mere reconnaissance was never all he expected.

Back then, he couldn’t risk Asuma and Kurenai’s lives as they stood against Itachi. At present, there was no one beside him but he turned a brief thought to Rei. He wished he’d said the goodbye he wanted when he left her.

He sighed and weaved the signs of the fireball _jutsu_. Itachi countered, and they destroyed the field of grass, leaving behind nothing but disturbed, dry earth. Itachi seemed challenged to produce a fire ball on par with Kakashi’s, or at least, he feigned it well.

“It really makes me sick seeing you with that eye.” Itachi narrowed his eyes at Kakashi’s _sharingan_.

“It makes me sick seeing you above ground, seeing how much you’ve damaged Sasuke, but I try not to sweat the things I can’t change.”

Mentioning Sasuke seemed to bristle Itachi though it had not been Kakashi’s plan, just his genuine feelings.

“Don’t blame me for your failures as his teacher.”

Kakashi flexed his hand and lightning crackled. Itachi opened both eyes wide and everything became dark and silent. Weak embers began lighting Kakashi’s surroundings and then there was nothing but smoke and dilapidated houses.

“Ok, a _genjutsu_. Didn’t expect it so early but I’ll play along.”

Kakashi traveled the space he now occupied. As he walked, his height diminished and both of his eyes were normal again.

_“Kakashi! Kakashi, come back!”_

It was his father’s voice. He didn’t normally ignore it, but something pulled him away. Someone was gasping for air and then there was faint call for help. Kakashi rushed to the fallen pieces of wood and broken bricks and pulled them away with maddening quickness.

“Rei?” Kakashi said after pulling away the last piece of rubbish that had buried her.

Rei’s eyes opened but they were completely black and a stream of blood fell from the side of her mouth. Kakashi backed away and closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he opened them again, but Rei was still dead.

 _“It seems the last person you thought of was Rei Horoshima. Is she back from her mission, or have you just been holding a torch this entire time?”_ Itachi’s voice boomed from every direction. _“Perhaps torch isn’t the right word considering…”_

“What the hell is this?” Kakashi centered himself, refusing to fall completely under the genjutsu’s seduction.

“You really should have just left her there. I can’t imagine how she’ll feel learning her entire family died for nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘for nothing’?”

“Goodness, Kakashi, _think_! Do you really believe an enemy nation attacked the Horoshima clan and the Hidden Leaf ninja just showed up too late?”

Kakashi tried to even his breathing but his heart beat furiously. He couldn’t afford to focus on it, even if Itachi told the truth. His sharingan mutated into the _mangekyō_ , and the _genjutsu_ was lifted.

“Well, aren’t you just full of surprises, Kakashi Hatake?”

A hundred questions flooded his mind as he pieced together how severely Rei had been used. Somehow, whether by his hand or another’s, Danzo would die for it, but Itachi needed to be first.

The surroundings went black again, but the tide of the battle had turned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this... an update??? Yeah, I know it’s been a while—like a year and some change, and for that, I apologize. I’ve worked on this chapter at various points in the year since I updated even with almost everything you can imagine happening along the way. I finally just had to scrap it and start over and this felt right and I was able to finish it pretty quickly. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos, bookmarks and reviews, for just hanging in there and liking something about this story. I truly love it so I can’t abandon it. By any means, I will finish it. I hope you like this chapter and the ones to come. 
> 
> <3


	6. The Present Breaks Its Promises

**“In an ecology of love, people can relate in trust and face the future without fear. They do not need to play it safe. They can take uncertainty in their stride.” — Jonathan Sacks**

* * *

The classrooms that prepared children for battle hadn’t changed at all. At least they hadn’t in the twisted world Kakashi’s eye had banished Itachi to. Itachi walked to the far-right side of the class and stopped in front of the seat he only ever saw Sasuke sit in once—the one time he’d walked his brother to school and stole the attention of Sasuke’s classmates. 

Itachi didn’t need to enter the building, but he knew that deep-seated hatred best grew with small, frequent nurturings.

_“My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan and kill a certain someone.”_

The words started far away and moved closer until they felt like Itachi’s own thoughts.

“This isn’t all you have, is it, Kakashi? Who do you think fostered that hatred in Sasuke?” 

Itachi walked ahead despite the darkness until he stopped outside of his family’s home, before there was blood soaking into the ground, and his parents’ bodies lay together—lifeless.

Fugaku and Mikoto Uchiha were awake long after the house had gone quiet, but a younger Itachi listened outside their bedroom door. Fugaku propped himself up with his right arm as Mikoto spoke, breathless from crying.

_“It’s just that sometimes I wish we’d lost him. Isn’t that terrible? What kind of mother thinks that way? His eyes are so cold now and the way he treats Sasuke sometimes—”_

Fugaku hushed her, unready to say the same because what kind of father despises his firstborn son?

_“That‘s distressing, Itachi.” Kakashi’s voice came next from nowhere, from everywhere. “Is that why you killed them and left Sasuke behind to suffer? It’s hard hearing how much you disappointed them.”_

It was a memory Itachi believed he had discarded the moment he heard it.

 _“Did you forget, or was it the truth that made you a corrupt dog, a man who would kill his own family?”_

The floorboards rumbled and a hand shot up from beneath them, grabbing Itachi’s ankle. Itachi kicked the hand away and walked through the line of illusions that destroyed his home trying to seize him. 

Once outside, dozens of fallen Uchiha crept toward him with dried blood on different areas of their bodies from where he’d killed them. The sight of a baby crawling made him grit his teeth. 

“ _Amaterasu_ ,” Itachi whispered, murdering the dead again with thirsty black flames.

The fire consumed his clansmen and the setting of his former home. Kakashi felt like his brain would melt from the unquenchable heat. 

“You think you understand me, Kakashi, and that is your fatal mistake.”

The _genjutsu_ expired. Kakashi gasped, throat strained like he’d gone without water for days. Itachi watched him struggle after only a few seconds of experience with _Amaterasu_. He pitied the weakness of those who didn’t frown on combat. 

“Fatal?” Kakashi gasped and coughed. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I think I’ll die when I’m good and ready.”

A _kunai_ fell down Kakashi’s sleeve and he charged at Itachi. In an instant, Itachi sent a swarm of black crows at him, a distraction from the next sign he weaved—well aware of Kakashi’s knack for copying. 

Itachi hurtled a spiral of water with body-crushing pressure at Kakashi, obliterating the crows but missing his target. 

“Those black flames,” Kakashi spoke from the area east of where he had been, “what are they?” 

“ _Amaterasu_ devours everything. I could kill you with a look, but I think incapacitating you to the point of never fighting again would hurt you more. You can sit and consider how powerless you truly are.” 

Kakashi wondered if the same sickness awaited Sasuke, a soullessness he couldn’t recover from. Itachi looked like a son of Death, and Kakashi was thankful he’d never lost himself so entirely. 

“Best to not let your heart become distracted, Kakashi.”

“Maybe if you had you wouldn’t be so twisted.” 

“Are you referring to love? Well, it only takes an inescapable truth to turn love into hatred.” 

Kakashi thought of Rei and whether the truth was light or unforgivable darkness.

* * *

The light from the television pierced through Rei’s eyelids. She opened her eyes with slow-forming regret. Drinking had left her with an impossible headache as if a nail were being driven through her right temple. She lifted her arm to check the time on her watch, but her vision struggled to focus.

“Shit,” she said, easing up so the arm of the couch could support her. 

A room temperature towel stuck to her side. She fished the towel from between herself and the couch before it could be trapped by the cushions, and tossed it on the floor. 

“About time you woke up. I almost took you to the emergency room.” Anko reclined in a chair with a bag of potato chips. 

The late part of the afternoon returned to Rei in segments. Dread washed over her as it had a habit of doing, drunk or sober. 

“I’m an idiot.” Rei winced and swallowed but her throat stayed dry as a desert. 

“You just miss your man. It happens.” Anko ate the chips, mouth open. The crunching sounded like breaking bones to Rei. 

“Let’s get ramen. It’s good recovery food.” Anko rose slowly, stretching her arms as high as she could. 

“Kurenai and I slung you in the tub and changed you.” 

Rei shook her head slowly, not wanting the earth to move. Food sounded good and also like it would make her lose her insides again. Odd enough, it felt like her first night home, depleted and cotton mouthed. She wondered if Kakashi would be proud or offended by the comparison.

“Do you need help standing?” Anko waited at the door. 

Rei managed to get up and they slowly descended the railing, headed for _Ichiraku_. 

The bright lights against the tail end of sunset were brighter than the TV, and Rei shut her eyes tightly. They entered the restaurant and the heavy curtain for a door knocked into her, killing her balance.

“I’m trashed.” 

“Obviously.” Anko slid a menu in front of her as she sat down. 

“Get something light just to coat your stomach.” 

“Fine, mother.” 

“No attitude, or dessert is out of the question.” 

Rei giggled in a way she felt she would if she had a sister. The sensation was brief, but she’d remember it. 

“I’ll have the vegetarian ramen. No cabbage, please.” 

Anko took care of the tab before Rei could calculate her tip, so she left a stack of _ryō_ on the counter earning the praises of Teuchi. Rei smiled, stomach somewhat settled, headache practically gone. 

“I think you scared the shit out of Kurenai when you puked everywhere. She hauled ass after we put you on the couch.” Anko sucked on the straw of her to-go drink, nothing but ice left.

“Do you mind if we stop in the quick market really fast?” 

Rei ran ahead, into the store and threw as many fruits and vegetables into a cart as possible. 

“Hey, don’t move so fast! Your nausea may come back.” Anko commandeered the cart and they checked out.

Rei’s thoughts fell on Natsumi and the slow recovery of the village from Orochimaru’s carnage. She and Anko stopped outside Natsumi’s house, knocked, and left the paper bags when there was no answer. 

Kakashi’s living room window facing the street was a golden glow from the floor lamp being left on. Rei stared at it as if he’d answer if she knocked. 

“I’m gonna head home, Rei- _chan_. I live a few blocks down.” 

“Do—” Rei stopped, feeling wrong after she’d tried to convince herself that Anko was only a little more than a stranger. “Anko, why don’t you come back to my place? We can catch a late movie… if you want to.” 

Anko pretended to take her time considering it, mentally freeing her already empty schedule for the evening. 

“Cool, but let’s hit Q-Mart again. We’re out of liquor and I’m not a lightweight like you.” 

Rei let her walk on, stealing one more look at Kakashi’s apartment.

* * *

The disappearance of the sun along with his dizziness made fighting Itachi a task as difficult as pinpointing the exact age of the earth. Kakashi rested, as still as a corpse, against a tree. He deactivated his _sharingan_ to give himself time to collect himself, but his stamina waned with the passage of time. 

“This eye. It’s doing all of Itachi’s work for him.” Kakashi groaned, placed a hand over his abdomen and sucked in the pain with a deep breath. His insides felt seared as if he’d shredded every muscle, even the elevating muscles of his eyelids. 

Three _shuriken_ screamed in the wind and Kakashi escaped from behind the tree, making a sharp left turn. The _shuriken_ turned with him. One connected with his forearm, burying itself in his flesh and running up the rest of his arm. 

He bit his tongue, smelling his blood as it mingled with the fragrance of the leaves. Itachi appeared before him. Kakashi activated the _mangekyō_ , but the pressure was like falling into the sea. His eardrums wanted to burst. His lungs wanted to explode. 

“Shit,” he whispered, blood dribbling. “Summoning _jutsu_.” 

All of his ninja hounds manifested and charged at Itachi who mounted no counterattack. Kakashi disappeared, leaving behind a wooden log for a substitute.

 

* * *

Anko helped herself to Rei’s kitchen, moved around it like she visited often. Rei covered herself with a heavy blanket and let it sap the tension from her body. It took power that hadn’t been fully restored to pull herself back from the brink of nausea. It felt irresponsible to drink so heavily with the _Akatsuki_ kidnapping people. She wondered how Kakashi fared with forcing information out of the enemy. 

Worrying about him hadn’t occurred to her, not even when he left unspoken words in midair. They were _shinobi_ , capable _shinobi_ , but he’d just left her bed that morning—before his silhouette blackened with the night sky. It was the day she decided to let the two of them be real in her mind.

“Ok, let’s hear it.” Anko put a beer bottle under her shirt and pried the lid off with the fabric. 

Rei blinked like she misunderstood her and Anko drank the beer, huge gulps distorting the line of her throat. 

“I have a hangover. I feel like I was in a stampede.” 

“Uh huh.” Anko made room for herself on the couch and Rei groaned.

The minutes passed but they weren’t awkward, just an understood silence that said, “speak whenever”. Rei glanced at the clock ticking above the television—the volume turned so low, it might as well be off. Something crawled under her skin; an anxiety she hadn’t known since the success of her mission rested square on her shoulders.

“It’s not like he’s gone, you know?” Anko stared at the beer bottle, tried to peel the label off, but the condensation hadn’t even loosened it. “When Orochimaru left, he was gone, but I guess not because the bastard came back, didn’t he?” 

Rei wondered how long Anko’d held it together and if now was the time for it to come undone. She welcomed the distraction with a pang of guilt at considering it a distraction.

“Sometimes I think he’ll come for me. To kill me obviously, but it’d mean he hadn’t been a total liar, you know? Maybe he really was my _sensei.”_  

It went silent again. Rei held her responses. Being a _shinobi_ was something none of them could turn off even if they had other desires or people they loved. That upbringing of preparing for wars and fighting them was in their blood. Any events related to it came back—always at the worst times, the finally normal times. 

“What I’m trying to say is Kakashi’s not gone. He’s coming back and then there will be another battle, maybe even a war, so you might as well put your game face on and kill this depressing ass mood.” 

A perfect _shinobi_ entered conflict with no emotions, sharp instincts, and the cognizance of sudden death, but the resolve to cheat it.

Kakashi was a chameleon. Becoming different things to cheat death was his signature. Rei didn’t doubt his abilities. She’d simply underestimated how much she counted on them. 

* * *

The pain was severe enough to make him feel like he’d forgotten how to walk. Each step was small, one foot barely moving in front of the other. Drops of his blood formed a trail behind him. An enemy would either track him or a wild animal would make him food. Kakashi breathed. Sweat trickled into his eyes, stinging them. He ignored the sensation with more breaths, quicker now. His mind was still soupy from the _genjutsu,_ from the overuse of his eye. He was never meant to have that eye. Only Uchiha blood could withstand it, but he was doggedly terrible at being denied. 

A breeze passed over the open flesh of his forearm, slashing it further with contact, inviting the next level of pain. It needed to be cleaned but he had stretches of countryside until _Konohagakure_ could be seen from a distance. The trees sighed with the wind. They looked down and called him a fool. He let the sun touch his face and the clouds whirled into a single mass. He swallowed the nausea and patted down his vest with the hand attached to his uninjured arm, pulled a bottle out of one of the pockets. He shook the bottle, eyeing the food pills inside. 

The adrenaline rush from one would either give him enough energy to go home or stop his heart with a dismissive quickness. He dry-swallowed the pill and the _sharingan_ switched on without provocation. Kakashi fell to his knees. The force of the hard ground paled in comparison. Summoning dominion over his inherited eye hadn’t been difficult since his first week having it. After seconds that dragged on mockingly, the eye relented, coloring his iris back to a muddy brown. 

The sense of flight overcame him, he could move both his arms and run with both his legs. Kakashi cut through the denseness of the trees, speeding like the _shuriken_ on the air that had maimed him. He had thirty minutes to run like hell. _Ninjutsu_ would repair him, he’d give a report. Rei would be there. 

He kept running with the dying light of the sun until it was black as pitch, the starlight swallowed by the treetops. A drill is what he compared his heartbeat too. Each pound seemed to rattle his rib cage. Hunger eased in, desperate hunger with thirst a river couldn’t quench. Being subjected to Itachi’s _mangekyō_ the first time had left him bedridden for a week. He thought he’d handled his own. Maybe he had against lesser foes. 

Twenty minutes passed. He’d counted the seconds. The miles didn’t align. Home wasn’t near enough. Rei’s expectant eyes were before him like a mirage. He’d told himself he was honest with her, prided himself on his wit and charm. But he just hid things better, had trained himself to wear his heart on his sleeve a bit less. There were so many words he’d wanted to say, but moreover, he needed to be delicate and sure, but there wasn’t time, and there would probably be less of it now.

Home was right there, a bit further. But for a man whose body hadn’t betrayed him. Kakashi felt rearranged at a molecular level, as if pieces of him faded into an undetectable void. His feet stopped moving, became jelly and sunk into the ground. He didn’t feel the air sweeping down with him as he fell, nor was the damp ground prominent. There was nothing but unspoken words and eyes reflecting the most deep and beautiful blue he’d ever seen.

* * *

There were still no students to train. Rei accepted they’d been taken from her just as she’d come to be interested in their growth. Things were always stolen by a lack of appreciation. Too little and much too late. 

Anko had left at some point. There was no light when she opened the front door. Rei’s eyes fluttered closed and sleep picked up like she’d never been disturbed. The evil grip of the hangover had also left. Dreams didn’t play out in her mind. She didn’t remember any at least. Apparently, everyone dreamed every night. All she recalled was thick, black sleep. 

The bathroom tile felt like ice under her feet. Steam filled the space as hot water gushed into the tub. The water was like Kakashi’s touch, everywhere. The bubbles tickled the way he teased. Rei slid until she was just a head above water. A drop of sweat rolled down her nose and settled into her Cupid’s bow and she was achingly aware of how awake she was. The sleep and lack of dreams had renewed her. 

It had taken her months to go home and remember her family, but twenty-four hours later, she needed to go back. Without the melancholy and mountains of wishes. Just gratitude and cherishing that she’d had them. The difference between what was and was not gone seemed clearer. Almost everything was gone, but the _almost_ meant she still had something to hold onto. 

She took the copy of _Makeout Paradise_ Volume “Infinity” (she couldn’t be bothered to look at the actual number), and started on her way to the far end of the village where everything had burned once, but where there was now the lush and intense beginnings of autumn. Death wasn’t supposed to look good, but life compounded mysteries to give existing a purpose.

* * *

Tsunade alerted a team, deafened by the report of Kakashi fifteen miles outside the village with his face in the dirt. Pakkun ran to Kotetsu who desperately wanted to leave his post, but had to stay. Order kept them off the path of chaos, but always at an expense. 

Asuma, Guy, and Neji followed Pakkun, their forms distorting as they bit the wind in pursuit. Kakashi was as still as stone, chest hardly rising. Asuma and Guy tensed and Neji activated _byakugan_. His keen eyes roamed over Kakashi as Guy knelt beside Kakashi impatiently and checked his pulse. 

“Why can’t I feel anything? Kakashi, hey.” Guy patted Kakashi’s cheek, trying to hide the frenzy of grief pulling him under. 

“He is alive but the movement of his chakra is slow. The injury to his arm is infected and we need to hurry.” Neji said with the matter-of-fact resolution of a _Hokage_. 

Guy slung Kakashi over his back and forged ahead with desperate swiftness, leaving Neji and Asuma behind. Understanding failed Asuma as he moved. He knew certain missions invited grave outcomes, but the surprise was new like the day he lost his father. His stomach rolled at the reality that perhaps he would never enjoy peace with his loved ones and that the inevitable battles would continue to roll in with terrifying frequency.

* * *

The _Hokage’s_ office felt airless. Sakura chalked it up to summer making its final stand and Tsunade’s energy rumbling behind the door. Sakura knocked. She could never gauge whether it was too hard or too soft. 

“Come in, Sakura.” 

At her name, Sakura rushed in. Distress came off Tsunade in waves, bleeding lines of age into her forehead and where her smile should be. Sakura struggled to swallow like someone’s fist was in her throat. She had never seen her master in such a way. It was as if Tsunade had opened herself and poured everything out, uncaring of the fact that a spill could never be completely lapped up. 

“Milady…” Sakura started, frustrated that the only person she still had absolute confidence around was Naruto. 

“Sakura, Kakashi has returned from his mission with severe injuries. He is being prepped for surgery and I need to know if you are able to assist me.”

A part of Katsuyu would remedy his arm, disinfecting and stitching the wound with _jutsu_ that seemed magical. Sakura delayed giving an answer. It fell by the wayside of confusion and a terror that covered her eyes with a blinding glaze.

“Kakashi- _sensei_ is…” 

“Now, Sakura! What is your… answer?” Tsunade’s voice boomed and crashed and settled like the tide. “Can you do it?” 

Sakura turned to the door and Tsunade followed. A screaming urge to find Naruto, and a futile need to tell Sasuke followed Sakura all the way to the hospital. 

Naruto was at the hospital, blaming Ino for not knowing anything, disrupting Death’s ominous quiet. Sakura rushed to him, yanked him back, lifting him off the ground a little. 

“You damn idiot.” It was the softest she’d ever cursed him. “You aren’t helping _sensei_ with all this yelling and carrying on. Sit down and… let us do our jobs.” 

Naruto stood, still and perplexed. Alone and ignorant. He gave Ino a sheepish glance but she just shook her head, unable to imagine the devastation of Naruto and Sakura’s team despite seeing it play out in painful, colorful details. 

He couldn’t sit because his legs would shake and he’d lean back and forth and adjust his posture and it would feel wrong to be doing nothing, but there was only nothing. Succinctly nothing he could do until fate and time and the skill of the medical ninja forged the only outcome that he could accept. 

Kakashi had never cleared a team of _genin_ in the six years he’d been a teacher until Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke arrived. They knew everything and nothing, and brandished ideals Kakashi hadn’t seen since Obito viewed the world with all the optimism it could handle. Naruto had taken pride in that. Kakashi occupied a weird space for him—not quite a father, but a bit more than a brother. Maybe an uncle.

Kakashi was his family. Naruto settled on the realization that had been hidden, choosing now to dawn on him. It was better than bugging Ino about what the doctors would do to Kakashi, or fearing Team 7 would never be restored.

* * *

Rei picked flowers for her mother’s grave. The ones she’d arranged the previous day were still fresh variants of pink, but she wanted to braid a crown of white ones and necklace the headstone with it. 

Her father had been simple and consistently pragmatic, so she smiled at his flowers and left them alone. Once the crown was to her liking, she draped it over the stone and rested between her parents. 

“In the cool of the evening, I’ll be home. Blood rushing like the river, soul stirring like the stream, and I will rest. I will rest.” 

She hummed the song and wagged her foot left and right. Something covered her. It was easy and light, not at all like a burden.

* * *

The line of Kakashi’s life moved at a labored pace on the monitor. Sakura couldn’t help stealing looks at it. The jagged skin around his wound had crusted, but Katsuyu traversed the length of his arm, covering it in her slime. 

“How’s the infection?” Tsunade counted the surgical tools.

“I am almost done, milady,” the slug said. “It is not as severe as it looks.” 

His skin smoked as the blood and flesh evaporated under the glow of Katsuyu’s healing. Sakura cleared her throat. The smell of blood had never made her swoon, not even the first day she healed a rabbit whose stomach had burst open from eating too many poisoned leaves. Its entrails wrapped around its feet but she dutifully placed them back in order and Tsunade was quietly proud. 

Kakashi was not a rabbit. He was the first male to truly see her strength. When he protected her, it was not patronizing. When he advised her, it was not without hope. But he’d still focused most of his attention on Naruto and Sasuke. She chose to accept that her path was different. The first time he witnessed the incredible strength she’d harnessed under Tsunade’s tutelage, he was caught off guard. She’d never forget that day, how known she felt. 

Kakashi’s intracranial pressure had gone outside normal range. Cerebrospinal fluid needed to be drained. Tsunade applied a thin needed to a drill. A patch of Kakashi’s hair was shaved off. The silver locks fell like snow. Sakura ate her next breath and watched the needle chew through his skull.

Sakura unballed her fists to feed a tube through the hole to draw out the fluid. The ventilator forcing Kakashi to breathe made his chest jerk unnaturally as it rose and fell and it had to be the perfect depiction of what a soul being tethered to the earth looked like. 

“He’s not in any pain, Sakura.” Tsunade said, bandaging the side of Kakashi’s head. 

Sakura nodded, not comforted in the slightest.

* * *

Her apartment wasn’t far, but Rei took her time strolling the streets, smelling the food, listening to the chatter of the vendors. Home had begun to wrap itself around her.

The sun was warm on her back as it crept up to its high point. She adjusted her headband, fingered the symbol of the village, and sighed. From a distance, Anko ran towards her. Anko stopped, placed her hands on her knees to catch her breath. 

“Why are you in such a hurry?” Rei set her sights on a skewer of meat sizzling, hunger finally setting in. 

“Rei,” Anko straightened to her full height, “you need to come with me.” 

Rei was quizzical, narrowed her eyes at the reason Anko hadn’t given. Anko shifted in place and realized that the truth really did hurt. She understood why people lied.

“Kakashi, he—” 

It was how grief began, a low tone that told a story but with silent “I’m sorrys” and “It’s going to be okays” spoken after every other word. Rei could hear Anko talking, could see her lips moving, but reality still folded and blurred and settled like a rock at the pit of her stomach.

Rei’s lips quirked at the news, an unconscious response from her body, a defense mechanism against bad tidings. If she could just find what Anko was saying completely ridiculous, then it wasn’t true, and she could set time back to the last few moments when she finally lay down her burdens.

She nearly gagged at the notion of feeling comfort in the memory of her parents, as if she betrayed the enormity of their lives by deciding to release the pain. Accepting they were still with her in some way and still loved her despite being gone was a crucial step she could never previously take.

But she had to finally be free.

Otherwise she’d still look for ways to be unhappy, and Kakashi would become a casualty of her misery and they could never— 

She blinked. Her feet moved towards the hospital. She wanted to run but the sickness that fell on her was too great. Anko followed her, but Rei couldn’t hear anything except the old shackles that used to bind her clanging together as if they were laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so grateful for this roll I'm on. I can't remember when I ever updated a fic just a bit more than a week later. Thank you all for reading and leaving kudos and comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter <3\. I certainly enjoyed writing it.


	7. The Future Is Looking Back

**“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” — Hebrews 11:1**

* * *

Nothing improved the memory like despair. Pain was the pathway to every forgotten regret, misstep, and second wasted. The hospital waiting room was a cesspool of despair. And one inconsequence—a child with a sprained ankle hobbled out on crutches with their grateful mother. Their father shook his head, appearing to be no stranger to such occurrences. **  
  
** Rei felt Anko’s eyes on her, anticipated her next words. **  
  
** “He’s going to be okay. This isn’t the first time he’s given us a scare.”  
  
Finding Rei with a smile on her face articulated the cruelty of the truth. Anko had hesitated, wanted to pass the words off to the doctors. They could best explain what happened to Kakashi and release her from the responsibility of having to activate an explosive in Rei’s reality. The timer was set, and the diffusion of the bomb depended on Kakashi’s survival, so Anko offered platitudes and tired reassurances. It was all she could think of and she stewed bitterly in her ineptitude for comfort. **  
  
** Rei had only seen Kakashi physically hurt once, and a scar ran down his left eyelid to remind her. The details of his mission unraveled in the idle conversation filling the area. Tracking the _Akatsuki_ alone exceeded the meaning of ‘high-ranked and classified’, and Rei considered what could have improved Kakashi’s chances of coming home unscathed. _Nothing_. A team meant too many targets. It was his to go alone, but Rei would trade all the other _shinobi_ in her presence if it ensured not having to sit and wait and keep a lid on her anger.  
  
The anger was better than sadness. It was better than feeling like her and Kakashi’s beginning had been ended.  
  
Her silence made Anko bristle, and shift in her chair in search of phantom comfort. Rei was a different kind of person in these situations, so Anko decided to remain quiet. Asuma and Kurenai filtered in from the cafeteria with cups in both their hands. Anko took one from Kurenai, and Asuma looked at Rei, but didn’t offer a cup. He sat it down next to her on a table with magazines sprawled out. Anko and Kurenai exchanged looks and left to retrieve an update from the nurse’s station. **  
  
** Asuma watched Rei intently, tried to divine her quiet feelings. The other cup was warm in his hands. He wanted to speak but not without being sure. Maybe the surgery and examination would offer more detailed information, but the coldness settling on her felt too much like what he’d almost let in when his father died. Kakashi wasn’t dead, just being the center of attention as always. Asuma chose to believe that instead. **  
  
** “We, uh, found him fifteen miles outside the village.” **  
  
** Rei turned her head towards the window, eyes beginning to red at the rims. Her nails dug into her palms, and she couldn’t relax her hands. A bird flapped away—yet another black bird shooting off the branch of a tree impetuously—and she mused on why she often observed them appearing as though they had an aching need to leave. Perhaps their wings had to touch every part of the sky. Life was fleeting after all. Asuma kept talking. **  
  
** “Neji, a Hyūga kid, assessed that the flow of Kakashi’s _chakra_ had been severely weakened. But we got him here in time. I’ve never seen Guy move so fast. Kakashi is strong.” **  
  
** Rei absorbed the information like rainwater coming back to the ocean. She’d heard it from Anko, and in whispers from other _shinobi_ sitting among them and now, she was hearing it again. It was a boring cycle better suited for a girlfriend who sat there weeping and begging for comfort with her tears. She couldn’t crumble at every piece of news like this. They were _shinobi._ Failed missions and life-threatening injuries were inevitable truths, but somehow, in their budding bliss, she’d forgotten it. She was arrogant enough to believe that the tragedies had taken a break.  
  
Asuma tightened his lips into a flat line and sipped from his cup. Rei was no longer thirsty nor hungry. Kurenai and Anko returned just as Inoichi Yamanaka walked in. He nodded at everyone and stopped to speak with his daughter at the front desk. Rei sat up straight at his presence, remembered the array of mind-related _jutsu_ he specialized in. **  
  
** “You can walk back. An attending will take you.” Ino lowered her voice. “Dad…” **  
  
** Inoichi just smiled, disarmed his little girl with confidence that was almost touchable, and let an attending doctor guide him beyond the white doors. Ino left the desk and called Asuma’s name. Asuma stood, but she shook her head, let him know it was okay to stay seated. **  
  
** “I thought you all would want to know that my dad was asked to come and consult on Kakashi- _sensei’s_ condition. There may be information stored in his most recent memories to help us treat him better.” **  
  
** Asuma took Ino’s hand, so proud of how seriously she regarded her new journey into medicine. More words could have been said, but Ino watched Rei and went back to the desk, not wanting to issue out maybes. Rei closed her eyes, had suspected that was why Inoichi had come. She finally loosened her fists and imagined Kakashi’s last thoughts. _Was he afraid? Was he as bold as ever?_ **  
  
** “Well, that’s good news at least.” Anko popped the top off of her cup and blew into the steaming liquid.  
  
Rei got up and left the room. The door swung hard behind her. She scanned her surroundings until she spotted a single occupancy restroom. Thankful it was empty, she locked herself inside. A familiar pressure made her ooze to the floor and the truth began to sound in her ears like a clap of thunder. Gathering her knees to her chest, she rested her head against them and breathed—long, deep breaths to steady herself.  
  
Nearly everyone stunk of fear. Guy had likely left the hospital altogether to destroy things with his legs and fists. A hot cup of coffee was the only thing Asuma could hold onto since everything else was beyond his power. And Anko smelled like fear and guilt. Bearing bad news had its effects. Kurenai’s serenity was genuine, the only thing that hadn’t been tainted, and Rei felt weak by comparison.  
  
She remembered Kakashi’s face, the last version of it she had seen. He was quiet, almost somber. She rubbed her lips with two fingers. He’d kissed her with a bunch of false bravado. It hadn’t been like the many before—confident and knowing and infuriating because he exhausted very little effort to have her.  
  
It was clear something perplexed him, but she let him leave anyway, foolishly believed he could just tell her next time. Arrogant _shinobi_ believed in reunions, and blatantly foolish ones counted on them in war time.  
  
“I should have made you tell me what was on your mind. What if—”  
  
For some reason, Kakashi couldn’t recount what happened to him from his own mouth. Maybe his _chakra_ needed time to replenish. Inoichi would steal into his mind and dig around his memories so Kakashi wouldn’t have to exert himself when he woke up. Rei rubbed her arms as she envisioned him unconscious, nothing like the man who still smiled in the worst of circumstances.  
  
Anguish rippled over her, overruled all the other thoughts pinballing inside her head. She needed clear answers, the truth as the doctors understood it. Otherwise, the dam would break and she would be like everyone else—deathly afraid and poorly compensating. The feeling that she had wasted too much time would claw its way out of her. She rolled her bunched sleeves down and stood to her feet. The thought of someone coming to find her was frightening.  
  
When Rei stepped back into the waiting room, everyone’s eyes were on her and it sickened her just as intensely as getting drunk had. With perfect timing, Tsunade and Sakura emerged from the operating room. Tsunade had refreshed herself, used her considerable _chakra_ to put the glint back in her tired eyes and skin that had dulled. It happened before Sakura’s eyes fantastically. Tsunade was the _Hokage_ and couldn’t look like what she’d been through. Especially with one of her most capable down.  
  
Rei didn’t realize she rushed towards them until she slowed down when Tsunade began to speak. Tsunade instructed them to follow her to a hall, wide and dusty and bookended by two doors. On the door they had not walked through was a sign detailing visiting hours for patients in intensive care. Naruto straggled in after a buzzer gave him entrance. Tsunade nodded at him and delivered the news they’d waited for.  
  
“Kakashi is in intensive care. Katsuyu restored his right arm that was torn to pieces by a _shuriken_. Pakkun confirmed that Kakashi fought Itachi Uchiha.”  
  
The atmosphere conflated to a labored sigh. Asuma and Kurenai shook their heads, remembering their last fight with Itachi. Kakashi had told them not to open their eyes, and all Asuma had heard in mere seconds was Kakashi’s knees hitting the water and his jagged shortness of breath. Thoughts that he should have accompanied Kakashi crept into Asuma’s mind, but he didn’t doubt the fight coming to all of them soon enough.  
  
“Kakashi was exposed to the _mangekyō sharingan_ and used it himself, and as a result, the strain was too taxing on his body. He was also impacted by some kind of mental exposure to _Amaterasu_. According to information we have on the _sharingan,_ we didn’t know that was possible, but Kakashi is lucky to not have been burned alive.”  
  
“We have deduced that his heart stopped and he was deprived of oxygen. We don’t know how long. Pakkun cannot be sure. Inoichi Yamanaka isn’t sure. Kakashi simply passed out after all the trauma he’d experienced.”  
  
“We made a tiny hole in his skull to relieve the pressure on his brain. As of eleven minutes ago, it did reduce to normal range, but Kakashi is unconscious and we need him to respond. He’s in a coma.”  
  
A touch of weariness lurched into Tsunade’s voice. Kakashi was her chosen successor. Sometimes she regarded him as the son she and Dan might have had. Possibly even her and Jiraiya—in another life without all the justicing and risk involved in the very world she’d ran from screaming. She sounded dry, like she’d talked a hundred days without water. Sakura cleared her throat and took over.  
  
“We have chilled Kakashi- _sensei’s_ body to induce a response. After three days, we will warm him up and we hope that he will react to external stimuli. He will warm up for two additional days and we will test his responses after that time.”  
  
Doctors were so technical in their way of speaking even when they dumbed everything down. Tsunade and Sakura were understandable, but Rei still felt like they were discussing a science experiment. The hypothesis: if we freeze the patient, then warm him, he will no longer be a vegetable… we hope.  
  
Rei’s knees buckled. Gravity coaxed her to the floor, but she relaxed against the wall for support and let everyone have their reactions. The damn nausea was going to hospitalize her if she couldn’t handle it.  
  
“Can we see him?” Naruto asked, his voice feather-light and hopeful.  
  
It was Naruto’s sheepish fear that illustrated the reality of the situation again. When Anko told her, Rei felt like she was on the outside watching someone else’s life. When Asuma spoke, it was like a tired old record. But when Naruto asked to see his teacher, wanting to see him first, but not saying so, Rei’s eyes went glassy with sadness. Kakashi was many things to many people and she wondered if he knew. He’d navigated life with little self-importance for a long time now.  
  
Tsunade consented, but just two at a time. The visiting period ended in forty minutes until the next one hours later. At some point, Guy had joined them, but Rei didn’t notice.  
  
“I’m going to eat something.” Rei eased away from the wall and left before anyone could protest or invite themselves.  
  
She made a wrong turn on the way out and stopped to fill in the blanks of what Tsunade and Sakura didn’t say—against her will. Food had to come first. She’d be useless if she were too sick to be present if anything changed.  
  
But it was her nature to be stricken by excruciating facts.  
  
When the fires devouring her family licked around her, and she opened the underground refuge to see the flaming agony descended on her home, after ninety seconds, she lost consciousness. Lack of oxygen ravaged the body and brain in degrees.  
  
At one minute without oxygen, brain cells died. She’d always gotten good marks at the Academy, particularly in First Aid. Missions couldn’t be completed by dead _shinobi_ , so she learned everything she could.  
  
“Brain cells that have died cannot be revived.” Her words were just quick breaths.  
  
After three minutes with no oxygen, lasting brain damage was almost guaranteed.  
  
“Who will he be if—when he wakes up?”  
  
She realized she’d inherited pragmatism from her father. Being optimistic was a security blanket and a blanket was fodder for the flames like everything else. Without knowing how long Kakashi had been breathless, her mind painted vivid pictures of worst-case scenarios. If he couldn’t smile again or make a frustrating remark or look at her like little else mattered, would he be Kakashi?  
  
At five minutes without oxygen, impending death was sure. And at ten, even if the brain survived, a coma and brain damage ensured the person you knew could never be who you’d always known. Kakashi would just lie there, supported by machines, propped up unnaturally and silently request to die.  
  
Rei gathered what she did know: Kakashi was in a coma. He showed no signs of brain activity. As he slept, did he dream? As he lay, did he hope? The questions were relentless. She clasped a hand over her mouth and vomit spewed through her fingers. It was the second time in a few days, and she wished she could blame it on something as temporary and stupid as having too much to drink.  
  
She looked up at the signs on the wall, pointing her in the right direction until she was out of the hospital. Her hands smelled like rotten citrus and her neck was sticky. Everything reeked of the last few hours. A bath and solitude seemed the best options to even herself out. She tipped too much to a side of something she wasn’t ready to feel. Even with scientific facts hitting her over the head, a soft part of her heart said faith was still worth it. Survival had only been possible all these years because she believed in something.  
  
Kakashi’s apartment looked down on her, welcoming her. _Are the houseplants still alive? Are they waiting for him too?_ The tiny rocks in the dirt beneath her feet made the ground uneven. Her instincts were agonizingly sensitive. _A bath and food._ That would make it all a little better.  
  
“Rei?” Natsumi’s door opened with a whine.  
  
It took a few moments for Rei to turn around, amazed by how different standing in the same spot felt just a day later.  
  
“I got the produce. Thank you and— and your friend too.”  
  
“You saw us?” Rei frowned.  
  
Natsumi adopted that shamed look again. Rei wondered if her husband had really been an honorable _shinobi_ or if he’d scared the shit out of her their entire marriage. Natsumi was meek and guarded in an uncomfortable way.  
  
“It’s okay,” Rei sighed. “Sometimes we just don’t want to be bothered.”  
  
Rei started up the stairs, leaving Natsumi standing in the middle of the street. The door closed with a soft click and Rei decided she’d reached her limit for the day.  
  
The water was so hot as it poured into the tub, the mirrors fogged. A basket of soap sat on the counter. Maybe something fragrant would stir Kakashi awake. The hospital smelled like cold air and metal. She squeezed strawberry mint scented liquid into the bath and watched the bubbles foam and froth. She smiled at the smell. She purchased the soap entirely for herself. Kakashi wasn’t particularly vigilant over his masculinity but he wouldn’t leave the house smelling like strawberries, so he wouldn’t disturb her baths.  
  
“If you want to take a bath with me, this is what you’ll smell like.” She said softly, hoping her teasing reached his slow-beating heart.  
  
The scalding water was balm to her aching muscles. She propped an arm on the mouth of the tub to support her head and tears flushed her cheeks.  
  
“You’ve got to wake up. Please, Kakashi.”

* * *

_“Shinobi are prohibited from traveling outside the village unless approved by the Hokage or for the purpose of missions.”_

_The Shinobi Code of Conduct, wooden and implacable, rested in Rei’s hands. Her eyes flitted over the text, tripping over one rule after another. The Horoshimas had been allowed to govern themselves, so she had seen new parts of the world every year. The urge to go outside Konohagakure had taken long to return, but it did and now, it was prohibited.  
  
“Hey, Rei, whatcha doin’?” Guy peered over her shoulder.  
  
“Guy, why don’t we ever do anything fun around here? This place is in dire need of a festival or something.”  
  
She threw the book and Guy caught it, his heart stilling at the lack of care taken with it. The book opened, page marked, to the very spot she’d just read.  
  
“In need of a vacation?” Guy queried.  
  
“If the vacation could be here, I wouldn’t feel the need to leave. I just want to see some fireworks.”  
  
Kakashi entered the dining hall, a rare public appearance. Word had it he was a captain in the Anbu Black Ops. Guy was the word. Rei poked chopsticks at her steak teriyaki swimming in sauce. Guy hadn’t taken his eyes off Kakashi yet.  
  
“Go talk to him, or at least quit staring.”  
  
Rei chewed a cut of meat, rolling her eyes at all who fawned over her childhood savior whose heart, as far as she’d concerned herself, had all the emotion sucked out of it. His eyes were dark gray but they just looked black now, the one she could still see.  
  
“Be right back.” Guy left the table in a gust of wind.  
  
Guy was so chipper it hurt like sugar candy, but Rei liked him. She just tolerated everyone else. Her mind wandered to colorful flashes of light against the night sky. Hanabi. The last trip her parents had taken her on was to the Land of Lights for the fireworks festival. It was almost her birthday then. And now.  
  
She opened her eyes and came back to the present day to see Guy practically dragging Kakashi to their table.  
  
“Good fucking grief.” Rei snatched her tray from the table and walked away, shoved it into the cafeteria window.  
  
By the time she remembered she forgot her bag, Guy had worked his magic and Kakashi was sitting down. She contemplated leaving the bag. She could replace the ninja tools, but all her lunch money for the week was inside. Maybe Guy would pick it up and bring it to her later. She took too long pondering what to do. Guy’s yelling killed the normal volume of chatter in the room.  
  
“Rei! Why are you just standing there?”  
  
Kakashi flashed her a condescending glare. She could see it from a distance underneath that mask that probably smelled like an old sock. She balled a fist then relaxed her hand and strutted to the table and joined them.  
  
“The gang’s all here.”  
  
“Don’t be lame, Guy.” Rei pulled her bag into her lap.  
  
“Rude.” Kakashi spoke, removing lids from rice and soup and fish and ice cream. Rei’s eyes could have rolled into next week.  
  
“Don’t you have superior ninja tasks to endeavor in?” Rei just wanted him gone. Lunch had actually tasted good and Guy had made her laugh four sincere times.  
  
“Rei, when you ‘endeavor’ to hate someone, everything about them becomes unpleasant. Anyway, hello. Long time, no see.” Kakashi sipped miso soup, impressed by his own cooking.  
  
The audacity. The unmitigated gall of him to disregard, perhaps even forget that ‘long time, no see’ was his doing, incensed her. Guy imagined leaving a tea kettle on the stove too long and prepared himself. Rei didn’t scream with boiling rage. She pushed back from the table, legs of her chair screeching, and left.  
  
“Kakashi…” Guy looked after her.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Guy. Want some of this? I packed too much.”  
  
Guy had attempted (miserably) to respect Kakashi’s feelings. He hadn’t walked in his shoes, but he had an idea of what someone losing themselves looked like. Anbu subsisted on discarded relationships. It hurt when people changed altogether, but the truly painful thing lay in pieces of them fading away, one after another.  
  
Kakashi had taken his father, Obito, and Rin, and deleted them. Everyone else came next. Maybe he needed time and Rei just needed to be more patient. Guy concocted many excuses for the way his friends were.  
  
“Guy, hello?” Kakashi waved a piece of fish at him.  
  
“Go to Rei. Talk to her. Fix it or you’ll regret it, Kakashi.”  
  
Kakashi reneged on the fish and ate it himself.  
  
“Why should I?”  
  
“Because you want to. She’s the reason you sat down in the first place. Don’t worry. My feelings are only a little hurt.”  
  
Kakashi began scarfing his food down and Guy shook his head.  
  
“She doesn’t even want to be near me.”  
  
“You guys are really… dumb.”  
  
Guy finished his meal and left Kakashi uncommonly dumbfounded. Kakashi could have sworn Guy worshipped the ground he walked on.  
  
Rei returned to her apartment, violently brushed her teeth, and changed clothes. Eruptive anger made her body pulsate whenever she thought of Kakashi, but seeing him, hearing him, and feeling the coldness of his dismissal made her tingle from top to bottom. She cursed letting someone, him, disturb her so critically.  
  
“I hate him. There’s no ‘endeavoring’ involved. I just fucking hate him.”  
  
The doorbell buzzed. Three short buzzes and one obnoxiously long one. She didn’t want to verbally abuse any visitors, so she recalled her mother’s training.  
  
“Just don’t be a bitch, Rei.” She recited a revised version of the lesson on kindness.  
  
Kakashi stood on the other side of the door and she scared herself with how fast the thought to push him over the railing crossed her mind. Don’t be homicidal either, Rei. She just looked at him, waited for him to state his purpose of being or admit he had the wrong house and slither back to the abyss he’d been in the last several months before Guy’s bleeding heart for the cause of love pulled him back into her orbit.  
  
“What do you want?” She didn’t mean to hiss or clench her teeth so hard.  
  
“To make you un-angry with me. It’s looking like a long shot already.”  
  
Kakashi suddenly realized how close he was to her after many dangerous missions, after purposely avoiding her because he knew she had avoided him. Guy was very convincing. Her eyes were very convincing and lovely and familiar and safe. He licked his dry lips and tried not to look deprived.  
  
“Can I come in?” He wanted back into her life, but he didn’t know how to do that with his night terrors and aching hand that twitched sometimes because it had killed Rin. Maybe she had been lucky watching her family die all at once instead of one person after another. Some days he felt like he could bear it and be happy but then another one perished.  
  
Rei didn’t feel hatred nor anger. His eye didn’t look black with him standing right in front of her. She blinked at the suddenness of the involuntary responses her body initiated. Confusion and dizziness wanted dominion over her, but it was just a boy at the door. The world hadn’t turned upside down and hell didn’t freeze. She embraced the confusion and damned the dizziness. There was no way she’d faint with him there. His confidence was the worst.  
  
She turned away, but without slamming the door in his face, so he followed her inside. She returned from the kitchen with a tea setting on an expensive silver tray—things the fire hadn’t quenched. She poured light green liquid into a cup and handed it to him. The smell was exquisite. He’d almost forgotten her class.  
  
“So how ya been?” he asked, fingering the ridges in the tea cup.  
  
“Angry with you.”  
  
“At least I’ve been on your mind.”  
  
“Shit.”  
  
Kakashi sipped, pleased with himself. Rei sighed. They weren’t supposed to be having tea like two throwbacks with the decency to check in with each other sometimes. At some point, she’d made him a mortal enemy and thanked heavens their paths hadn’t crossed professionally. Kakashi looked around her place, noting how it had matured just as she had.  
  
“I have an urgent need to kick you out.”  
  
“Rei, tell me what I’ve done. Maybe I can fix it.”  
  
There were pictures pushed to the edge of the table to make room for the tea. A little Rei wore a pink kimono decorated with flowers and stood between her parents sporting a toothy grin as fireworks sparkled over their heads. Kakashi’s heart pulled. He didn’t remember his mother. He was just newly born, but he remembered his father’s eyes when he spoke of her, how they conveyed a longing that would go on forever.  
  
“Get out,” she snapped like a book closing. “Just get up and go and stay the hell away from me.”  
  
Kakashi glanced at the pictures again before accepting her decision. He left, and she hurled a fist at the door. The wood splintered like the fireworks that once stretched out into the sky.  
  
Some hours passed, and she still wanted to throw the entire tea set away. It was tainted now. Going to sleep would probably ensure she didn’t do anything she’d regret, so Rei closed her eyes. A loud whistle and then a crash sounded from outside. She rolled off the couch and tugged the string on the window blinds. The sky glittered with pinks, white, and blues. Neighbors poured into the street to watch the fireworks cover the night with brilliant light. The doorbell buzzed again. She opened it quickly. Kakashi stood again, leaning against something resembling a cannon. Rei startled at the rapid popping of fire crackers.  
  
“What is this?” she asked.  
  
“Hanabi. One of your favorite things. I didn’t forget.”  
  
“You saw the pictures on my table, asshole.”  
  
He shrugged and extended his free hand and she didn’t know what to do with herself. Rainbows of color were his backdrop and she’d always found him gorgeous but in that light, he was simply beautiful. She took his hand and joined him on the railing. And everything just fell away, all the bad inevitabilities of life that ruthlessly hunted them fell away to the scene around them.  
  
“I know I’ve hurt you, Rei. I guess I don’t know how to deal with anything without shutting out everything. Being a ninja is the best distraction.”  
  
It was the first time she’d heard pain in his voice since his father died. She’d wished for it to come out and now, she loathed the way that it sounded.  
  
“I could distract you if you’d let me.” The words fell out of her like a drawer off its hinges.  
  
“Hmm,” he smirked, liking the idea of that. According to Guy, Kakashi had it on his mind from the day he met Rei.  
  
He turned to face her, the rockets he’d timed taking off into the air and exploding like electric palm trees, and cupped the sides of her chin and neck in his hands. He kissed her. Their teeth clacked against each other and Rei didn’t quite know how to hold her head. He didn’t know what else to do with his hands. After seconds of fumbling, she slumped her shoulders and sank into him.  
  
Kakashi slid a hand down her arm and all he knew was her lips. It didn’t feel like a first kiss anymore, but like something time had poetically ordained to occur._

* * *

Rei awoke from the tail end of the dream that had crusted the corners of her eyes. She patted the bed down for her alarm. There was an hour left before the final visitation hour. Her heart raced, pulse beat in her neck. She tried to curb her feelings but her blood kept rushing. She closed her eyes, hoping to hear fireworks, and three buzzes followed by an obnoxiously long one at the door, but there was nothing but the pitch blackness of Kakashi’s room and the smell of him on the bedsheets.  
  
She waited outside the intensive care unit, stared down at the clock every time it went past the scheduled hour. Four minutes now. She didn’t want to bang on the doors, but the staff had to know people were there to see someone. Odd enough, she was alone and grateful for it. The doors unlocked with a loud beep, and Rei pushed through.  
  
Room six. The door was open. She stopped at the look of him propped up, all kinds of wires and tubes attached to him and growing from him like limbs. She made a noise that wasn’t a noise, a silent cry. A machine beeped, one gasped, and Kakashi was still through all of it. She rolled a chair to his side but couldn’t sit down. She pulled his blanket up, searching for his left hand. His left hand was puffy and she wanted to ask the nurse outside why, but maybe it had to do with the temperature reading of his body.  
  
The bandage on the side of his head had a tube coming out of it, a broken stream of fluid still draining off his brain. Rei quivered, her soul precisely shook at what had become of him. She had just heard his voice and felt his skin, warm and lively.  
  
The chair waited and she eased onto it as if she’d disturb him.  
  
“You aren’t sleeping. You just aren’t awake.”  
  
She pressed his hand against her cheek.  
  
“It’s me, Kakashi. Do you know? Can you just squeeze my hand please?”  
  
A squeeze didn’t come. She knew his body was freezing and there was time in between feeling his strength again or seeing his eyes. She didn’t want to see the _sharingan_ though _._ It was a curse as far as she was concerned now. She put his hand back gingerly and gripped the fabric of her pants. Itachi’s face flashed in her mind.  
  
“You always said something was off about Itachi and then—goddamn it, you blamed yourself for him killing his family. You’ve got to tell me how that works.”  
  
No answer, nor a twitch, nor a whisper of him showing one sign of being the Kakashi before he left her home. Rei told herself to keep talking. The more expectations she voiced, perhaps she could nudge the future along to the day he’d wake up. He would probably be perplexed and sore, but she would be there.  
  
“Do you remember our first kiss? I dreamed of it earlier. The last time I remembered that day is when I came back home. You didn’t go away like I asked you to. That’s a really bad habit of yours, you know? But you know me, I guess. You know I want you wanting me.”  
  
“It could have been a better kiss, but when you left, it was all I thought of. I still thought of it even when I made myself a hypocrite and left without a word for all those years. I think I just got scared of the day when it’d be over, when all this conflict eventually took one of us, so I don’t know—I guess it was easier to act like I don’t feel happiest when I’m with you.”  
  
The words were too honest and what she’d tried to keep in came rushing forward and pushing past all her attempts at having faith. Her tears could be mistaken for not believing, she told herself, but she cried anyway. Guttural sobs for the condition he was in, the time they had wasted, the chilling ninja existence that brought forth battle after battle.  
  
“Please wake up,” she said, shuddered.  
  
Rei squeezed Kakashi’s hand again, tried to will all of her vitality into him, but the monitors just beeped, the fluid had seemed to finally drain. The entire hour, he only lay there until she was bankrupt of tears, pleas falling on ears that couldn’t hear anymore. She caught her breath in rough segments and stood from the chair and the doors of the wing closed behind her when she left, keeping his soul behind a barrier that she needed permission to breach.

* * *

Sleeping at his place was no longer an option. The tears would be worse, so she eased the lock into the door of her own apartment and pushed until she had access. He’d promised to fix it when he got back, as if she couldn’t do it herself. His chivalry was never insulting no matter how she pretended. The health of the door had waned from lack of use and time but she wasn’t ready to repair it.  
  
It was quiet and it irritated her even though it was always quiet when he wasn’t there. She sucked her teeth at her behavior. She’d planned to read the new _Makeout Paradise_ novel to him softly and interject with how much she couldn’t wait for him to read it himself and deliver her from the responsibility. She tried being a perky, non-reality facing caricature of herself. But she’d cried like he was dead already and she hated how easy it had been.  
  
She threw her keys across the room, dismissed the urge to throw something else. Navigating a destroyed environment would be counterproductive to everything else happening.  
  
There was barking at the door and then a smokey voice.  
  
“Rei,” Pakkun ruffed.  
  
She rushed to the door and Pakkun pushed inside, hardly waited for her to fully open it. Rei wanted to cry again at the sight of him.  
  
“You saw him?” A specific kind of devastation came off Pakkun.  
  
“It isn’t your fault so don’t you even look like you failed him.”  
  
Rei crouched to pet Pakkun. It was the least she could do for Kakashi. He would suffer unwitting depression if one of his dogs were unhappy.  
  
“Rei, there’s something you should know. I haven’t informed Lady _Hokage_ just yet.”  
  
A glimpse of goodness revealed itself to her. Maybe something could help Kakashi. Pakkun shook his head as if reading her thoughts.  
  
“It’s about your clan. You family wasn’t randomly attacked by outsiders. The order came from the Leaf.”  
  
The truth was a rancid cocktail that hit, and hit, and hit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, and thank you all so much for your comments, kudos, and bookmarks. This chapter took a chunk out of me on an emotional, personal level. I hope you feel things and enjoy it. When I posted the first chapter of this fic, I said it wouldn't include much canon and that it would be short. Wrong. But I did also say I would go where the muse takes me and she is taking me on a journey with Rei and Kakashi, so the upcoming chapters will include more canon characters and events, but the events will be tweaked and given a ReiKashi focus. I am excited.


	8. The Present Is a Blinding Light

**“We are defined by how wonderfully we rise after falling.”**

* * *

The avaricious turned power into politics. Lawlessness meant people would starve and kill and deplete each other. The earth would fill with death, whittled ambitions, and fear would mar its landscape. Leadership was the balm to mankind’s wild independence. Government was its savior.

Rei imagined a man with outwardly noble, but unrealistic intentions telling himself that—deciding that since he could not be a god, he would be a king.

_But power was a drug._

Just a little of it watered mouths and sweated palms with lust for more, so people starved anyway, were impoverished anyway, strived against each other anyway.

Conflict bolstered the governments of the elite.

War was the dick-measuring contest designed to allow empires to flex and subjugate. The fittest, richest, and largest prevailed, while those without power were trampled in the process—easy prey unawares.

The Horoshimas had been stampeded into near-extinction. Most chilling was how easily Rei accepted it—not the hollow absence of her family, but how arrogantly all her clansmen courted their annihilation.

In the neurons of their brains was the blueprint to leveling society, but revolution repulsed them and their only alternative was loyalty to a village that chose to isolate and spit them out. Her survival had been a puzzle, and Danzo, the missing piece.

The doctors called it ‘survivor’s guilt’. The ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ had clouded her mind. She only knew she had been protected. That protection had filled her with shuddering anguish whenever she visited the cement slabs marking her parents’ short lives and quick deaths.

Sometimes, when she closed her eyes, the gift of survival was many creeping things with hundreds of legs, seeping from all of her orifices, crawling along her skin like the burn of the fire. It went on for years; night sweats flushing her complexion like she had been consumed right alongside her people.

The first time her father had ever shouted came when he ordered her to take refuge underground. Closing the lid of the manhole made her shoulder pop from its density. It shut with a hard _clank_. The scroll’s wooden fixtures had pressed against the bumps of her spine as she hung on a ladder that went deep into the earth. She remained safe. Her father had been right.

When her sleep was suddenly broken by sweat, her fingers hurt as if she were still clinging. She straightened each of them out and fumbled around, unable to sleep again. It seemed the cramp had remained because she’d held on for so long that night—muscle memory—a part of the trauma she couldn’t pack up.

Being the only one of her name, possessing the last pair of eyes, cerulean-blue, didn’t compute because why her? What could a perplexed little girl do? How could she avenge her family with dried ink on paper—instructions on the ways to position her fingers to release _jutsu_ that sent shockwaves throughout her body? At the time, she hadn’t the training to imagine it, just a fantasy of being powerful. And she hadn’t known the true enemy.

Within the manhole, there was only a dark abyss and muffled screaming on the outside. Rei pondered the action above her, couldn’t accept that in that moment, her peace-loving parents were fighting for her life.

Their expressions had always spoiled when she was wrathsome, when she knocked down bullies and came home hiding bruised knuckles. It wasn’t their way. Shows of power affected their hard-won balance of equality.

No Horoshima was greater than another. Rei had heard it ad nauseam, but she couldn’t let boys put their hands on her. A central part of herself rejected it. Apparently, the would-be bullies needed to hear the lectures twice as often, so she said it with her fists.

The clan’s peaceful beliefs and first taste of conflict came with no learning curve. Her father’s eyes looked green when the firelight neared him. Rei’s sobs had drowned in the melody of an explosion. Lifting the lid was like waking up to die.

She pressed a thumb into the palm of her gloved hand and with each of Pakkun’s words, the discomfort resurfaced. She’d wanted numbness or what she felt before seeing Anko, the freedom in happy memories.

Nightmares were the hardest enemy to fight before her mission required many sleep-deprived evenings. They began the same—she was sightless, then greeted by a swirl of red, orange, and yellow flames. They waited on her, shook her awake with damp clothes and sticky hair.

Danzo had ordered that dread, indirectly forced her to embrace the life of a _shinobi_. In time, she acquired the strength but the vengeance was pending.

Rei questioned if a man like Danzo could ever face justice despite the desire for it welling inside her. The way the world operated was in his favor, and the truth that she couldn’t change anything with just her own strength was too loud. Kakashi was cut off from her and suspended to the white void of an inactive mind. Another thing she couldn’t impact.

She swallowed the air, now scented with the village’s corruption.

The Third _Hokage_ had rubbed her shoulder the day she came to in a squeaky hospital bed. Kakashi sat quietly by her side when he entered the room. It took several minutes to distinguish color and sound, and her arm stung where nutrients filtered inside of her through a needle.

The Third’s hand trembled, but his face was stern. _Was there guilt in his touch?_ Believing in a fraction of remorse was easier than hating him as every part of her began to hate Danzo.

When men could not be gods, they led, but rained down great judgment all the same. Her family had been judged and Danzo, forgiven. Remorse, anguish, or a swallowed apology lodged in his throat—the Third _Hokage_ had issued that forgiveness all the same.

Rei stopped poking her hand. The shadows of the blades on the ceiling fan whirled over her head and for the first time, in what seemed like significantly more than forty-eight hours, her stomach didn’t do flips. Her head bobbed lightly to the slow-moving circle as if she’d eventually come around to an answer. No answer. No justice. Only Danzo hidden somewhere giving orders and staining the village with more invisible blood. The illusion was that the last great war had been the worst of things and the citizens of today merely had to tight-rope along eggshells as an era of peace staggered into view.

But past sins were still sins, and once there was a spark of light, the past could start a fire.

Pakkun kneeled in front of Rei, tail swished from left to right, matching the rhythm of the fan. Seeing her features pucker as she processed what he had relayed was like a clock speeding up, distorting time.

Soothing her seemed necessary until her brows leveled into smooth lines and she leaned against the couch and folded her legs. The information had knocked her back onto the floor. Not needing to cry was shocking. She didn’t know if it was fatigue or the call to action churning in her stomach. She still grasped for answers that hesitated to present themselves. She kept her face at rest and released the force that had made her body stiff.

Danzo had always sanctioned darkly veiled acts that few were aware of—for the sake of the village. This wasn’t new. And the Third _Hokage_ believed him despite how insidious his plans were. At one time, Kakashi believed it at his own expense. Rei tented her hands and tapped her fingers against her forehead.

“Danzo needed the _jutsu_ where he could easily access it. After everything burned, the scroll I guarded and any recovered artifacts were moved to the _Hokage’s_ office. He could get to them.”

The only reason with any merit dawned on Rei slowly. With the way she had been branded a hero, the significance of the scroll was obvious.

The Horoshimas’ charge was to protect information that ensured the Land of Fire’s stability. Rei hadn’t been allowed to keep the scroll. She was just a child, the council argued. _Danzo had argued._ But she was old enough to drive a _kunai_ knife into the carotid artery and watch the light of life leave an enemy’s eye. Being a child soldier was what she needed, the Third had told her I’m sweeter, seductive words. It would be her new reason to live—to protect as she had been protected.

Swallowing a lie had a bitter aftertaste. How easily had she forgotten the duty encoded in her as sure as her DNA?

_The destruction of children was in their pliability._

“I wonder if it disappointed Danzo—my survival,” Rei said, rising to her feet.

Something scratched at the door. The wood flaked and split. Bull, another of Kakashi’s ninja hounds, waddled as Rei let him in. He tipped his chin up at Pakkun who replicated the silent greeting. Pakkun had assigned Bull to tail Inoichi as he tried fitting together the shards of Kakashi’s memories. Bull made a noise like a cough devolving into a cleared throat.

“Inoichi should be at Lady _Hokage’s_ by now. He knows about the hit on your folks, Rei. Danzo’s got some kind of plan with your family’s scroll and whatever you brought back from Black Star.”

The weight of Rei’s soul anchored in her feet. Perhaps Danzo wasn’t disappointed in the least.

“Kakashi,” she whispered, balling her fists. “We need to get to him.”

* * *

The moon waned to a skinny crescent, half of it cast in shadow. Every light in the hospital appeared to be on, but it’s unnatural glow was contained. There was darkness all around but it shined like a beacon.

Rei adjusted the settings on the night vision goggles strapped around her head. Pakkun sniffed in the microphone of his communicator and she retracted from the sound tickling the tiny hairs in her right ear.

“You were right. Two _Anbu_ on my six.” Pakkun avoided growling despite the urge to attack rising in his chest.

Bull confirmed his area was clear and Rei timed her distance from the hospital. She’d have to move so quickly, her form rippled as if it were a mirage.Changing her mind, she weaved a sign and her image cracked like a shift in time, and repieced itself next to Pakkun. _Why waste time getting into the hospital?_ The plan had been to set off the fire alarm and drive the _Anbu_ away.

She gloved her naked hand, the leather twinging as she fit it on tightly. The _Anbu_ faced the hospital entrance, but from a distance too, huddled up in the thick of the trees. They watched people going in and out, biding their time and shortening Rei’s willingness to show mercy.Danzo didn’t leave loose ends despite almost everything he decided going unchecked. His rotten core should have permeated everything, but the village maintained its status as a pillar.

But Kakashi was a wild card.

Danzo hadn’t considered Kakashi would return home from the _Akatsuki_. Whatever he planned hadn’t come into the final stage. She would have to play the game as he did—no loose ends.

Pakkun pawed sweat from his face, moisture settling into his wrinkly skin. And Rei readied herself, brandished _kunai_ in each hand and funneled wind _chakra_ around them. The knives flew from her grip like meteors needing to collide with something. The _Anbu_ stiffened, gurgled, and the air carried the smell of their blood. Rei watched them fall forward to the ground. The tips of the knives protruded from their Adam’s apples as they hit the gravelly dirt with a chime.

Rei and Pakkun rushed the bodies, patted them down until they located the bingo books. On the last page of one was a photograph of Kakashi with a kill order. She rubbed her forefinger over the picture. He was smiling.

“You and Bull guard the bodies. I just need to check on him.”

Security let her pass with no more than a nod and she punched the elevator button. The doors parted and she rode to the ICU. Walking the cobwebbed hallway might as well have been the same as wading through mud. _What if I’d been too late?_ The endorphins coursing through her subsided when she reached the door. Making a fist, she pounded the metal door, nearly denting it until someone heaved it open.

“Yeah, I know,” Rei spoke first. “Visiting hours are over, but I’m guarding a patient whose life has been threatened. Kakashi Hatake. Let me in.”

The nurse’s line of sight fell to the floor and Rei took a deep breath.

“It’s urgent.” Rei looked into the sliver of revealed space behind the nurse and saw the circulation desk. Another woman sat in front of a computer screen, frozen. “Hey, you were here when I left earlier. Let me in!”

If grief was in stages, she’d circled back to anger.

The elevation in her voice made the nurse pull back and open the door to let her in. Rei registered many sounds at once as if her senses had begun to normalize. The singular instinct to kill started to fold as she approached Kakashi’s room. The door was cracked, and the light of a floor lamp glimmered solemnly. Rei switched the main light on and the room illuminated a second too late.

“You’d think they’d invest in this shitty place.”

Both of his hands were outside the covers this time. The nurse mouthed that there had been no change, but Rei knew that, so she purposely failed to hear her.

The thought of touching him made a skinny river of sweat go down the side of her face. Traces of death were still on her and she didn’t want to disrupt his soul that had not left just yet. If it were gone, something cosmic wouldn’t have allowed her to save him. He survived for a reason and she selfishly wanted it to be her.

“I killed two assholes just now. They were after you. Danzo is after you and you know I’m not going to just sit back and be cute until you open your eyes.”

She finally brushed his hand with her own, noted that his skin was cooler, and looked at the machine carefully lowering the temperature of his body. The many tubes protruding from his mouth and the bandage around his head helped him maintain the physical anonymity he’d had as long as anyone knew him, but his true face was the only image that came to her mind. She could see it clearly under everything that worked to revive him.

“Please hold onto me as much as I’m holding onto you.”

She kissed him beneath the bandage, on a patch of uncovered skin at the end of his left brow bone. Leaving the door ajar, she weaved a sign and levitated her hands over his body. Rudimentary, golden energy scanned him from head to toe. The spell established protection from the Evil Eye, a malevolent force seeking to do harm to the defenseless. Her grandmother believed in it, having originated from an era that was still pacifist, but diligent in sleeping with one open. She only wished her parents lived so cautiously.

In that moment, Rei decided to put her trust into the spell as her grandmother had. Kakashi wore persistence like an article of clothing, so she told herself only fate could take him at his appointed time. The seal locked, and would divine any unsettling intent coming near him and protect him. How, she did not know, but she had faith it would be enough. Otherwise, she’d shirk her duties and keep watch over him until the next four days passed.

Bull and Pakkun waited, adjusted their attack stances when Rei’s footsteps approached. She announced herself over the communicator. The desire to see the faces of the men that sought Kakashi’s life hadn’t occurred to her before. She leaned down to remove their masks. They were strangers and soldiers on the wrong side of history. Slinging them both over her shoulders, she left with Pakkun in front of her and Bull as their rearguard.

* * *

Shadows outside the entrance of the _Hokage’s_ compound swayed at the sight of her. Rei squinted at Genma and Ebisu. Nervousness should have set in with two, unauthorized dead bodies over her little stature but she stopped and stood pole-straight. Their shadows were running figures now, huffing their breath because of the humidity as they charged towards her.

With all the weight she carried, Rei contemplated dropping them. From her side-view, the arm of one of the _Anbu_ dangled. It was excessively eerie and she didn’t want it to sink into her brain and become something that couldn’t be unseen.

Genma and Ebisu came close enough, so she relieved her shoulders. The deceased _Anbu_ hit the ground. Ebisu removed his glasses to wipe away sweat, and knelt beside the bodies.

“Well, these two have definitely seen better days.” Genma quipped with unintentional morbidity. He was the type to say things and assume people understood his intentions were dignified.

Rei patted herself. Their sweat and blood had stained her. Strands of their hair caught in her clothing. She was at her wits end with feeling disgusting.

“Well, here we go.” Ebisu gripped the sides of one of the bodies, underneath the armpits, and began dragging it. “I assume you killed them for a reason. I’ll take care of it.”

Genma led the way to Tsunade. Unusually, her door was open. Still, Genma rapped on it and Tsunade’s lips quirked, making her right cheek spasm. Tension that Genma had no need being privy to, prompted him to shut the door.

“You’re here about your family.” Tsunade fell back into her chair and relaxed her arms.

Tsunade spoke with finality, like a woman who had suffered loss and needed explanations once. Rei moved to her desk and set the bingo books down one at a time.

“Danzo tried to have Kakashi killed tonight.”

Tsunade jerked upward and snatched a book. Degrees of rage transitioned on her face. She slammed the small book onto the desk with an open hand. She wore fury and being taken by surprise with a terrifying elegance.

“After hearing Inoichi, I issued a warrant for Danzo’s arrest, but he’s conveniently disappeared.” Once, Danzo had invoked Tobirama’s legacy to explain how he operated, and Tsunade chafed at how presumptuous he was.

The idea that one person alone had the key to making the world better was nonsense. Her uncle had never believed that. Under her breath, Tsunade cursed Orochimaru for the hell he’d unleashed on the village. She and Jiraiya had been too lax and his poison spread and spread—a cycle.

 _Shinobi_ would be posted outside of Kakashi’s door. The kind that could be trusted—Asuma and Guy. Tsunade heard Rei’s silent entreaty, but denied her before she could say anything.

“You are too close to the situation.”

Rei and Kakashi had made no outward display of their relationship save dinner at a restaurant but the thing about small towns was word getting around with stellar quickness. An emotion Rei missed temporarily revisited her—annoyance. Tsunade rubbed her chin and read a document from top to bottom before speaking again.

“I have another task for you. The scrolls. There’s a connection between Black Star, _Akatsuki_ , and your family. Hopefully, Kakashi can tell us more when he wakes up, but I will need your help decoding.”

Rei grunted softly. She didn’t know anything but her own specialties and many old and forbidden _jutsu_ , but nothing that lived up to this level of import. Tsunade read her hesitance.

“Rei, it’s there—inside you. Trust me. I have a knack for understanding potential.”

Tsunade’s certainty that Kakashi would recover bolstered her own that had begun to take form. A part of her wanted to trust Tsunade, but cautiousness put up a wall.

“Milady, the Third, he—”

Something dimmed Tsunade’s eyes, a knowingness, as if her heart weighed a thousand pounds. A fracture in her innocence.

“He was not a perfect man. Many of us inherited his will, a dogged fierceness to never forsake a friend, but that isn’t very realistic, is it, Rei?”

Rei had forsaken Kakashi for less, so no, it was not realistic. Nothing about Danzo said ‘friend’ to her. Nothing about Orochimaru. Friends did not deceive and kill and call it goodness and mercy. There were many ninja ways, but that was foreign to Rei. She had enough problems with the countless times she had deceived herself and abused parts of her own heart.

It wasn’t judgment though. Rei could not allow herself to take a seat of judgment, but she liked the thought of killing Danzo anyway.

“We will go over the scrolls when Danzo is apprehended. All I want you to do now is sit and wait.”

Missioning for seven years had drained ‘sit and wait’ right out of Rei. But it did not seem wrong to obey Tsunade’s orders. Realizing her own waning strength was imperative. Kakashi’s condition had sucked the life right out of her pores. Killing the _Anbu_ had been pure adrenaline. Hating Danzo ran on fumes.

“Thank you, Milady.” Rei could say nothing else.

Someone clinked a fingernail against the window behind Tsunade. Porcupine, white locks moved stiffly in the wind. Rei’s eyes went wide. She hadn’t seen Jiraiya since she was just coming into womanhood when his eyes misted at Minato and Kushina’s memorial. Kakashi hadn’t left her mind, but seeing Jiraiya made him slam to the forefront, illness-inducing. Tsunade unclamped the lock on the window. Jiraiya rolled his legs inside.

“You know, I have never seen a woman look so sick at the sight of me. Hello, little Rei. You’ve become quite the beautiful person.”

Rei remembered the novels, almost laughed, but couldn’t. Jiraiya tilted his head and Rei felt like she wanted to crumple under his gaze. There was a desire to hug him. He radiated a fatherly strength, but he would probably keel over to know that, and Rei didn’t understand why she felt such a way to begin with. Perhaps there was a need to be embraced, but where it was, even more of her pride lived.

“Kakashi’s going to be just fine. He was the pupil of my precious student.” Jiraiya broke her thoughts and smiled with every muscle in his face.

“I know.” Rei poked her lips out. Jiraiya was rarely home, so who the hell told him?

Tsunade cleared her throat, and Jiraiya feigned an innocent look. It reminded her of how much Kakashi frustrated her sometimes, but Tsunade had soundly jilted Jiraiya. Rei had been unsuccessful with her denial.

“Rei, my dear, I have things to discuss with our lovely _Hokage_. Until next time, stay sharp. There will be more worse before there is better.”

Jiraiya said it with gravity. His mood shifted like turning to the last page of a book and seeing the exact opposite of a happy ending. Rei bowed a little and left them alone. Going home felt strange. She didn’t know how she would sleep.

* * *

Crossing under thresholds had wearied her. She counted her steps the last two days—going in here, coming out there. Entering her apartment took strength she consciously had to summon. She turned the lock and faced the door after closing it—as if she wanted to go back out and sleep under the stars since everything was achingly familiar.

It had taken so long to feel at home, but what was it without Kakashi ringing the doorbell, leaning against the post because she never let him in immediately? His arm always propped in the same place and he looked at her, really looked at her, appreciating the core of her being.

Home was him since he fished her out of the collapsed ruin of her childhood. Home was him when she told herself to make it something else.

She lifted her head from the door and turned around, glided a hand up the wall to switch the light.

“Thank you. It’s hard for a man my age to see well in the dark.”

Every hair follicle on her neck and arms reacted. Danzo sat cozily in an armchair as if he belonged, like the world wasn’t threatening to implode at his behest. Rei’s breath couldn’t even out. The feeling of being violated washed over her entire body. Several parts of him were bandaged and it escaped her that such a decrepit thing continued authoring destruction from the shadows. He looked like he’d suffered many horrible accidents in his lifetime.

“Fine job thwarting my effort against Kakashi. I should have recruited you. Perhaps we’d be the best of friends.”

Killing intent returned like a flash flood. Rei made one move forward until he clinked a spoon against one of her teacups. How could someone slaughter their own without cause, appear blameless, carry themselves so boldly?

“You are sick.” Rei suffocated on his audacity.

“I am quite well. It is Kakashi who is sick, very much near death, I heard. We’re just holding onto a defect at this point. A _shinobi_ should die with dignity.”

 _Shuriken_ were neatly fitted in the pack hanging from her back pocket. Her hands itched to hurl one at Danzo’s throat. He could die for his mouth as much as his actions.

“You still want his _sharingan_.”

Rei had asked herself why Danzo lived, wanted to ask Tsunade outright, but Tsunade had answered in more words or less. Danzo was Hiruzen’s friend.

“I wouldn’t let it go to waste, but I have no present need of it.”

Tsunade wanted him in custody, so could she kill him and walk away? Rei didn’t quite know, didn’t quite know what Jiraiya wanted to discuss with Tsunade. Nothing was certain and pain from a lack of knowledge pounded in her head.

“I would like to dispose of Kakashi. Itachi allowing him to live leads me to believe I’m soon to be betrayed.”

“When you live like a dirty fucking rat, what do you expect, and what does the Uchiha have to do with you?”

Danzo opened his eye that was not bandaged. It popped in surprise, but closed as he finished drinking whatever he’d helped himself to. The X-shaped scar on his chin contorted weirdly as he sipped.

“You are such a crude girl despite your intelligent lineage.” He ignored Itachi, acted like he’d never mentioned him.

He had one more time before the shock of his presence wore off of her. Rei pulled a _shuriken_ , slipped two fingers through the loop and secured her thumb on a gap between the spikes. It gleamed in the yellow light of her living room, and Danzo set his cup aside.

“You don’t want to know why your family is gone? I thought that would be your very first words to me.” Danzo was steady like every plan he’d ever made in his life came to fruition.

“Sorry. I didn’t expect a psychopath on the lam calmly occupying my home.”

“So you wish to stay ignorant of the great threat your clan posed? All of that knowledge shared among so many minds welcomed the downfall of this village. It was only a matter of time.”

Rei aimed the _shuriken_ at his throat, sought to curve it along the flesh and worry about the mess it would make later. Danzo’s person faded in the chair, and he reappeared, solid and whole on the couch. Rei winced, mind racing to identify what happened. A _genjutsu_?

“You won’t find me as easy to kill as my subordinates. Now, back to the matter of your people.” Danzo stood, moved towards Rei. “You have been preserved for a purpose, Rei Horoshima, and you will fulfill it. Tell me how to unite the tailed beasts.”

Rei’s fist connected with the bridge of his nose, smashing it. Her hand vibrated, knuckles smudged with his blood. Danzo jutted back, dazzled by the strength she put in the hit. He righted himself and looked at her, and with the same strange essence that transported him to the couch, he sent her flying into the wall.

Involuntarily, Rei bit her tongue. Ailment swelled in her back. The warm dampness of her own blood seeping from the back of her head wet her hair.

“I hope your ears aren’t ringing just yet. Tell me how to unite the tailed beasts and you will experience no more discomfort.”

Rei sputtered more blood coating her tongue, and supported herself upright with her hands. Just one hit shook away the little power she had left.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” she spat. “My parents didn’t teach me anything like that. I was a normal child before you sent your murderers after us.”

Danzo sucked his teeth, but he believed her. In an instant, he smiled like the greatest idea had occurred to him, a melody from heaven, a solution only conjured by his brilliance. Rei sometimes hated men. She couldn’t help herself.

“A pity, but I won’t fret about it. There is more than one way to win. And never forget, my dear,” he said, holding the door open, “we are all murderers for one cause or another.”

When he left, he slammed the door and her ears rang as he’d wanted them to. Rei registered the darkness again, with the closing of her eyes, and there was heavy sleep that hurt.

* * *

_Shinobi_ that had scoured the village all night, not even leaving the rivers unchecked, were called off. Danzo turned himself in, explaining how it was beneath him to continue hiding. Tsunade marveled at his ability to tell the truth and yet, conceal something. Duplicity in his veins. To get answers from him, she enlisted Hibiki who performed his duties consistently and perfectly, but for once, jumped at an order.

The other elders, Koharu and Homura, sat in her office, shame-faced but lacking amazement. They had walked right behind Danzo through the years. His ruthlessness had been the choices they wanted to make themselves, but couldn’t. _Did they sometimes shudder at the idea of having to go on living with themselves?_ Danzo boasted a self-possession they envied.

“Why should I not let you join him?” Tsunade questioned them.

Since she returned to the village and took up the mantle of _Hokage_ , they had swarmed her like gnats determined to drive her out of her mind. For the sake of keeping the peace and respecting that they had stayed while she had gone and gambled her pride away, she let them run her. But she rid herself of the strings. Genocide did not sound like protection. It was clipping leaves and branches and throwing them away like chaff.

“Princess Tsunade, we did not know of Danzo’s plan to exterminate the Horoshimas until after it had been exacted.” Koharu twisted the fabric of her robes.

Tsunade seethed at ‘exterminate’.

“But I’m sure if you had, it would have been acceptable to you.” Tsunade did not believe the village would mourn the demise of the council. She had inherited her progenitors’ gift of persuasion.

Koharu glanced at Homura who’d lowered his head, not uttered a peep.

“I am placing you both under house arrest,” Tsunade announced. “A thorough investigation will be launched into your decisions and practices prior to my taking office. If I consider you a threat to this village, I will not hesitate to take action.”

“There will be war if this gets out.” Koharu’s voice was like a wagging, disapproving finger. “They will question Konoha’s stability!”

“We are readying ourselves for war as it is.” The fact that they still challenged her made Tsunade want to hurl a fist through something.

Anko and Kurenai appeared near the door as if the wind had carried them in. The elders stood on bones weathered by time and regrettable undertakings, and were escorted out of Tsunade’s sight. Maybe, in the comfort of their homes, they would respectfully die in their sleep.

* * *

Light bled in through the window, touching Rei’s bruised head and back. She breathed, awake but hardly able to move. All night, her body lay in a messy heap on the floor.

“Kakashi!”

The suddenness locked her up in a long spasm. She twisted, tried to breathe away the sensation with shallow wheezing. Her body wouldn’t do as she said and she damned it. Danzo might have killed Kakashi by now while she remained asleep and wracked with injury.

If he could immobilize her with a look, what could her protective barrier accomplish? Restlessness had limited her _chakra._ The television stand withstood her weight as she stumbled to her feet. Someone knocked. A spike in her heartbeat flooded her with fresh adrenaline, enough to get up and walk and answer the person outside. Asuma shied back when she opened the door.

“God, Rei, what’s wrong?” Asuma extended his hands, but Rei tensed and tried to straighten up by herself.

“Why are you here? Is Kakashi okay? You’re supposed to be looking after him.”

Asuma put up his hands defensively.

“Easy,” he soothed. “He’s fine. I’ve just switched out with someone else. I came to check on you.”

“Where is Danzo?”

Asuma couldn’t keep up with her frenzy. Her hair was all over her head and he assumed she didn’t usually wake up in her uniform. With a bit of force, he came inside and closed the door. Rei tried to move past him but her strength waned again.

“Who did you switch with? How do you know they can be trusted? Danzo tried to kill him, Asuma!”

“Rei, calm down!” Asuma shouted. Rei gasped as his voice shot through her, intensifying the damage she’d sustained. Mentally, he chastised himself, then softened. “Rei, it’s okay. Naruto took my place. Danzo is in custody. He turned himself in.”

Nothing made sense. The sun had risen again and nothing had even begun to look like an end to this. She broke out into a sob, starting to sweat with grief.

“Don’t say _anything,”_ she said _._

It was a threat and Asuma stood silently as she cried for as long as she needed after lowering to the floor. There was something about physical pain that compelled its emotional counterpart to free itself.

After crying a minute, she coached herself. This wasn’t her. If she couldn’t be strong or at least bear it, how could she fight Danzo and maintain the judgment required as he and the _Akatsuki_ dismantled everything?

When she eliminated the Black Star Society, she had done it with her teammates’ deaths fresh on her conscience, but this was different. Asuma came down on the floor and she quickly dried her eyes and face.

“Guy’s hand was burned when he tried to touch Kakashi. He’s alright though. Your doing?”

“That fool. What was he trying to do? Lift Kakashi out of the bed? That spell is only supposed to work against people wishing to do harm.”

“Leave it to Guy.”

Rei’s mania disjoined. Asuma pulled a cigarette from behind his ear.

“I know you aren’t thinking of smoking in here.” She lifted herself again in need of water.

“No, I’m not. Sit, woman.” Asuma rummaged in her kitchen and Rei begged for shit to stop being so weird.

 _Five days ago_. If she could just go back to that time, she would ask Kakashi to say what he stopped himself from saying. She irrationally decided he would be okay if she had.

Asuma returned with a glass of water along with one for himself and Rei thought to scold him for being familiar.

“Is that how you hooked Kurenai? Walking around like you own everything?”

Rarely did Asuma blush, but redness bloomed from his nose out to his cheeks, rising up his ears.

“Oh, God. Never mind!” Rei drank the water in one, long take. “I really can’t be sitting here with you like we’re buddies.”

“Well, what the hell can you do?” Asuma rubber the cap of his lighter. “Somebody clearly kicked your ass and you look like shit.”

Rei scoffed, turned to face him more directly. Asuma grew redder. She wished she had the strength to pick him up and toss him off his father’s head carved into the mountain. It might be the only justice she saw in this life.

“Who did this to you?” Asuma grumbled.

“Danzo, genius.”

Asuma sighed and twirled the cigarette with his other hand, lusting to set it ablaze. “I’m sorry… about your family. And Dad’s role in it. I’m sorry, Rei.”

His expression was the same as Tsunade’s, like irreconcilable disappointment. But there were many things that could never be changed. The past was chief among them.

“Smoke your goddamn cigarette already.”

She took the water he hadn’t touched and chugged it. The flick of his lighter put her at ease before she considered the morbid implication of being comforted by a fire starter.

The air was still cool. The sun was slow to cover the village with heat. Rei shivered from the breezes floating in through the open window. There wasn’t even the faintness of smoke. She had sailed away in a dream she couldn’t remember, but she’d felt peace—a light reminder that it would be unwise of her to give into the present turbulence.

Asuma stood at the window. Children played in the street. It was his job, and all of his comrades’, to preserve that liberty. The Will of Fire used to be something he was certain of, but everyone who inspired him to uphold it seemed to fall.

His father had told him to love the entire village, but it wasn’t easy to make strangers family. The practice lacked the automatic trust enjoyed by blood relatives. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t fought Danzo about Rei’s family.

Rei tried to stretch, but her body said no. Her arms shook under imaginary weight so she put them back down. She didn’t help her recovery lying on the floor, but had regained a little _chakra_ , so she moved onto the couch.

“You’d be useful if you knew medical _ninjutsu_ or something. I can’t reach my back.” Rei exhaled when her head hit a pillow.

“I’ve learned a little from my student.” Asuma remembered.

“Then do me a favor.”

Rei turned herself over quickly, preferring to feel the pain altogether rather than slowly with careful movements. Asuma rolled his eyes, but pushed up his sleeves. He stared at the wall as the healing glow of amateur medical _ninjutsu_ illuminated Rei. It wasn’t painkilling, but there was a moiety of relief.

“I’m in your debt,” she said with entirely no authenticity.

“As long as you know it’s okay to drop the ice queen act sometimes, that’s payment enough.”

Asuma irritated her because she found smugness severely off putting. He was probably just a nice guy, but she told herself he was smug and there was no changing her mind. Extra comfort started to bless her so she turned again and lay on her back with much more ease. The ceiling was blank like she wished her mind was.

“Why are you still here?” Rei already knew that everything she wanted to take control of eluded her. She didn’t need Asuma’s pity advertising it in technicolor.

“Kakashi is my friend,” he said, taking a seat on the floor again. “For whatever reason, he’s crazy about you, so I figured he’d want me to check on you.”

“Kakashi knows I’m not weak.”

“Kakashi knows you are excellent at trying not to be.”

Her heart pounded. Asuma looked like a mortal next to her foot that should have kicked him, but she didn’t have the stamina to fight. Just for a day, she needed rest.

Whenever Asuma had been near Rei in the past, the feeling that he was outwitted prevailed. Her defenses were ever ready, offenses too. Now, she was silent, contemplative, but he prepared for the inevitable lashing.

“I guess he talks about me.” Rei voiced something he hadn’t expected.

“He does. Why I don’t know.”

“Keep rubbing it in.” She blew air with a tightened jaw.

“Sorry.” He rubbed his head, not wanting to be mean, but feeling she deserved it.

“Can’t blame you. If a friend of mine had someone like me, I’d think they were a glutton for punishment, and yet—” She faltered. Asuma felt himself leap at the opportunity to understand her.

“And yet, if he died, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I would feel like the only person who truly sees me is gone. He sees me and likes what he sees and I’ve never thanked him. Not even once.”

Asuma was sheepish at the revelation despite goading it. There were intricacies to Rei, impenetrable layers, but Kakashi had reached to the bedrock, the soft soil around her heart and let his feelings grow there. Rei didn’t wear her feelings dramatically or femininely as society had programmed him to expect, so maybe he had been blinded to something Kakashi long knew. Asuma felt intrusive, and like a veil had been lifted.

“There will be time to tell him when he wakes up. Three more days.” He stood and jiggled the lighter in his pocket for lack of anything more fitting to do. “I’m going to go tag Naruto out.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t look at him, aware of her nakedness. Not ashamed, just exposed. Asuma lingered a few more quiet seconds, then left.

* * *

Over the years, Danzo founded and raised a village within a village. Root pledged undying loyalty to his causes. The soul of every member had been bought with a price. Danzo would only fall at the cost of their lives.

Tsunade inspected the cursed seal on the tongue of a dark haired, colorless young man. If he so much as uttered a syllable concerning Danzo’s plans, his body would contort with paralysis and his tongue would atrophy, becoming a useless muscle.

“What is your name?” Tsunade frowned, but quickly straightened her face so as not to create lines.

Danzo had unrecorded children of the Leaf at his command.

“I am called Sai,” the boy said.

“Are you aware of the situation?”

“It appears Lord Danzo is no longer in any sort of control.”

“Except over your life. This seal will tie you in knots if you talk about anything he’s classified.”

Sai was blank. Every part of his face relaxed. He analyzed Tsunade quietly, deposited all of her facets into a cerebral compartment. She felt like a target, but he wouldn’t dare.

“Cider,” he said with assurance.

“I beg your pardon.”

“Your eyes are the most accurate color of cider I’ve ever seen.”

Tsunade tried to place her current emotion—disgust. Danzo had done something to Sai, robbed him of normativity, but it could be influenced for the better, she told herself. Anything was possible with Naruto involved. She snatched Sai’s file from her desk. He had no beginning and Danzo had planned his end.

 _“How best to circumvent that end?”_ Tsunade contemplated.

“Sai, you will obey my orders. If you do not, that tattoo on your tongue will be the least of your worries.”

Her words were prickly. Someone could tweeze the hairs off his knuckles and it would be the same. He rifled through his memories of all the emotions he’d studied.

“You’re scary,” he concluded, but not without adding, “Lady _Hokage_.”

After awaking from a years-long sleepwalk, Tsunade rediscovered her confidence. Naruto had secured himself as someone she could trust after hardly trusting herself. But Naruto needed direction that Jiraiya was too indisposed to give, that Kakashi would not be able to for some time.

Losing Sasuke was a blow. The _sharingan_ at risk added itself to the list of fires she’d be responsible for putting out. She had Sakura taken care of, on the path to surpassing her one day. Team Kakashi needed a revival. Sai was an element of it breathing life once again.

Sai was dismissed and followed by another member of _Anbu_ , she’d codenamed ‘Yamato’.

“You will suppress the Nine Tails within Naruto and guide Sakura and Sai. Kakashi won’t make us wait too much longer, but until then.”

Tsunade eased into her chair. The day looped with task after task, but she had the power for it.

“Yes, Milady.” Yamato scattered like leaves in the wind and Tsunade bellowed for Shizune who stayed within screaming distance.

* * *

Her stubbornness was going to kill her one day. Before a mission and before Kakashi’s foolish ways, Rei’s own impudence was going to put her under. The second she woke up to her body pulsating, she should have gone to the hospital, or to Tsunade, but she chose to show the exclusive parts of herself to Asuma and succumb to rest. She awoke to brightness outside that made her believe she’d slept into the next day, but only a few hours had passed.

Ambulatory care performed the _ninjutsu_ she needed. She no longer felt the wounds Danzo had inflicted on her body, but they’d scarred something much deeper than skin.

_See Kakashi first. Tsunade second._

Guy’s voice permeated the doors. It never failed, but Rei hadn’t expected to hear him behind thirty pounds of metal. A nurse let her in and she found Guy talking both of Naruto’s ears off. Asuma had been unsuccessful in switching places with him. Naruto brightened at her presence, saved. Guy looked like his heart had turned into a supernova. It exploded at Kakashi’s condition, loss half its size from waiting, and what was left had begun to wither. It stung her eyes.

“Don’t look that way, Guy.” She moved so close to him, Naruto felt like an intruder.

“I can’t help it.” Guy’s breathing was that of a man lacking all of his usual vitality. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“Just be you. It helps,” she smiled.

Naruto lost some of his brightness and peered at Kakashi through the blinds on the door.

“ _Sensei_ ,” he whispered.

Swishing her thumb over Guy’s bandaged hand, Rei whispered an apology and entered Kakashi’s room, closing the door.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” She wheeled a stool around and sat down. “I figured you’d at least laugh. I sounded just as corny as you.”

Naruto’s blue eyes were still slitted in the blinds. Rei didn’t react, let him continue looking. Kakashi’s chest sprang up roughly. The machine made him breathe differently throughout the day. He didn’t look as restful, but Rei focused on something else. His silver hair had white streaks in certain places. She’d kissed him and threaded her hands in the softness of it many times without noticing. It was smooth against the back of fingers, gleaming—a stark contrast from her own dark hair.

“Danzo turned himself in. Too easy, I know. I’m about to go and see Tsunade. There’s so much more that I want to say, but I don’t want to burden you. Just keep fighting and don’t upset Guy too much, okay?”

She couldn’t help waiting for his voice. The same joyless outcome threatened the strength of her spirit. Each time she had an uptick of faith, something tore it down.

“Three more days. I’ll be patient, or I’ll pretend to be anyway.”

She traced the curves of his cuticles. His nails were growing. Tomorrow, she’d snip them.

On the way out, she couldn’t fix her face when she looked at Naruto. Danzo wanted to join the tailed beasts. In Naruto’s sweet eyes, it was a feat she couldn’t imagine but a bitter omen yet and still.

* * *

“If there is a way to conflate the tailed beasts, it’s best we just keep the scrolls under lock and key. It’s too dangerous to know.” Rei tried to speak with the certainty Tsunade preferred.

“It’s better not to know in theory, but—” Shikamaru turned over terabytes of possible outcomes in his head even though he donned a lackadaisical countenance, “we have to consider that these scrolls may not be the only way to accomplish Danzo’s goal. Something in them may tell us how to reverse it… if it happens.”

He didn’t want to be a pessimist, but a tailed beast had already brought carnage in his lifetime. Tsunade nodded. _Were they just interfering unwisely, or undoing four Hokages’ worth of stupid decisions?_

Shikamaru hadn’t insisted on what he said, and Rei almost mistook it for trepidation, but he was just humble. There was a plan in place. All Rei wanted to do was survive it. In the morning, she would cross reference the scrolls and hope her parents had hidden its secrets in her bedtime stories and all of their advice for living.

“Be ready, Rei.” Tsunade didn’t allow herself to yawn when she worked. “First, I will call an emergency meeting with the other _Kage_ about Danzo and this, and then, I’ll be counting on you.”

There was risk in alerting the other villages, but Tsunade trusted the peace they all strived for. Withholding the truth was a habit that needed to die.

Rei turned to leave, but Tsunade glanced at Shikamaru who rushed out before Rei’s hand could grasp the doorknob. The speed of his movement pulled the loose strands of hair she had tucked behind her ear.

“Asuma told me that Danzo attacked you. Tell me everything that happened.”

There was no intention to keep her encounter with Danzo hidden, but Shikamaru was a _chūnin_. Rei didn’t know what he was allowed to be privy to. The need to tread lightly with everything felt like paranoia more than delicacy.

She sighed, took the seat in front of Tsunade’s desk and divulged all the details. Tsunade startled at the mention of Danzo’s abilities, deciding to order a seal placed on him for good measure.

“And Danzo also mentioned Itachi Uchiha, that Itachi could betray him? They have to be working together since their objective is the tailed beasts, but—”

She hushed when Tsunade leaned over the desk and rested her chin in the valley her hands created when she linked them.

“Rei, the Uchiha clan was also killed on Danzo’s orders. The Third tried to achieve peace through negotiations, but they were able to convince Itachi it was the only way.”

Rei shook her head, then went frigid in the chair. Somewhere, Sasuke lost whatever was left of his mind, wallowing in hatred, and Itachi had become a wanted criminal from a family of law enforcement. Rei laughed, throwing Tsunade off temporarily.

Fate would never smile on such a desolate village. How was it possible?

* * *

The wind carried Shirafune’s pigtails as she kicked her legs over the railing outside Rei’s door. Yuri got swept up in the plummeting glow of the sunrise, and Umaeda made little tornadoes out of the dirt below them with his _jutsu_.

They discredited their power when Kakashi returned to the village. If such an awesome ninja could fall in battle, what did the future look like? What could their tiny hands make it look like? Maybe Rei had the answers. They hoped so. Sliding his bottom lip across the grip of his teeth, Umaeda groaned.

“We shouldn’t be here. We’re just gonna bug her.” The tornadoes collapsed when he folded his arms over one of the rail bars to prop his head.

“I thought you liked bugging Rei- _sensei_?” Yuri reminded him, eyes still on the sun.

“Shut up, Yuri,” Umaeda said, pink-eared and caught off guard.

Yuri shrugged. The sunset bled streaks of apricot and vermillion across the sky and they felt Rei’s rosy _chakra_ coming in _._ A smile split Yuri’s lips. He waved.

“Rei- _sensei!_ We’re here to visit you! Hurry up!”

Shirafune joined him in waving her home while Umaeda closed his eyes, comforted by a gentle breeze.

Anxiety tore into Rei’s heart. The night before, her apartment wasn’t safe. She’d avoided it for hours in order to forget Danzo had been there. She stopped underneath them, looking up.

“Hey, Umaeda,” Rei teased. Yuri and Shirafune laughed and Umaeda was clearly evolving because he let it go over his head.

“Are you gonna come up and let us in? We’ve been sitting here all day!” he griped, still having a long way to go.

Rei curled the mouth of the paper grocery bag she carried and started up the railing. Yuri took the bag out of instinct while she opened the door. They looked around, savoring the details of their first time in her apartment. Umaeda plopped on the couch, waiting for something. Snacks, Rei figured. She invited them all to have a seat while she prepared something, mostly dips from jars and store-bought potstickers. Kakashi was the chef.

They all chimed, “Thank you for the food!” and Rei realized how much she’d missed them. Their bond had no time to form, but she liked their determination, their ability to learn well the first time—life skills she had been slow to embrace, but little could be done about being her own worst enemy. Umaeda chewed on a gummy potsticker more so to mangle its texture than swallow it.

“So, _sensei,”_ Shirafune spoke with a stately lilt, “we are here to check on you and express our condolences regarding Kakashi- _sensei_.”

“But we know he’ll be okay!” Yuri added quickly, disliking ‘condolences’.

Rei blinked. After a long talk, she and Guy would have an understanding between them.

“You got all weird when he showed up with that Naruto whoever, so we figured he was your boyfriend.” Umaeda explained.

That day, she thought she’d composed herself just fine. Guy wasn’t to blame—in this case anyway. She’d given her own self away.

“So… is he… your boyfriend?” Yuri’s eyes sparkled. “If so, that is super cool. Makes you guys a total power couple!”

Yuri’s excitement was the most animated Rei’d ever seen him. She thought to ask the meaning of a ‘power couple’, but stammered for words under her breath.

“Yeah, this is exactly how you were last time.” Umaeda snapped a cracker in half and raked up a glob of garlicky hummus. The crater he left behind lifted the smell.

 _“What are you talking about?”_ Rei blurted out. She scolded herself for letting children get a rise out of her.

“Does Kakashi- _sensei_ make your heart beat really fast?” Shirafune asked as if she wanted to understand what to look out for.

She was boxed in by three children, greedy for facts—facts about things they didn’t need to know until they were much older. Umaeda swirled the other half of the cracker into the extra dip he’d sloughed onto a plate. He looked fatigued, older than he should.

“We’re really sorry about him. He’s so strong. He’s not supposed to lose.” He kept his head down, fearing tears if he looked up.

“He is strong,” Rei reiterated. “That is why he’ll be alright. The strength of a _shinobi_ is in our ability to get back up.”

She’d been relieved of her duty to teach them, but just couldn’t help herself.

* * *

When his father made fire, Kakashi thought he wasn’t human. He understood the gas burners on a stovetop, matches, and lighters, but fire coming from nothing except wood and friction baffled him. _Had it scared the very first person to master it?_

Sakumo had always blown on the slow-rising smoke until there were dancing sparks. It smelled like cinnamon and freshly cut grass. The warm glow of a bonfire guided Kakashi to Sakumo’s campsite sitting in the middle of nothing and everything like a corner of the universe.

Unchanged by death, Sakumo stoked the flames as Kakashi remembered. He watched his father slump forward, surrounded by camping items for two people. It was a memory and the present-day all at once.

“What is this?” Kakashi looked back, and as far as he could see, there was blackness and the fuzzy glow of what had been blinding white light, miles away now.

“So you’ve made it?” Sakumo called out.

The rarity of fear arrested Kakashi. He was twenty-nine years old, not a boy, but his father spoke anyway and Kakashi’s feet guided him closer to the sound of his voice. There was also the smell of fish roasting. This place was somewhere in his memory bank of dreams.

“Sit down, son. You must be tired.”

He’d been tired when Itachi broke his _genjutsu_ , when _Amaterasu_ combusted in his mind. Right now, there was only bewilderment , but the gentleness of his father too, a feeling that made him want to bask and latch on as tight as possible. He sat down and the fire touched his knees and Sakumo looked at him, showing the smile he’d inherited.

“Where am I, father? What is this place?”

_Regret could stop a soul from moving on._

“This place is whatever you need it to be. A place where we stop before finding rest together, or the place where you let me go and continue living.”

 _So I’m dead_ , Kakashi thought. Losing to Itachi was a result most would expect, but it still made every one of his victories appear null and void. He’d never gotten drunk off his excellence but he still cherished it.

Sakumo hummed a song that predated Kakashi. Combing through every remembrance of him, Kakashi just couldn’t name the melody.

“Not everything has to have meaning, Kakashi. Sometimes joy is in the microscopic facets of living.”

Kakashi spent nearly all of his life looking for meaning after he found Sakumo unconscious on the floor—cooking to understand why red onions were sweeter than white ones, cleaning to discover which scents kept the house fresh. If it didn’t have meaning, he might as well be dead too.

“Why couldn’t you live for me?” The question wriggled free of Kakashi quietly.

When did his father decide that not even he had enough meaning to stay alive?

The skin between Sakumo’s eyebrows wrinkled, brows came down, down. A parent could not be redeemed from failing their child. The fissure in trust was permanent even if the offense was small.

Sakumo had cut down his own life. It was possible to blame the _shinobi_ world and its lack of forgiveness, but he knew what he’d done up to the minute before cleaving his flesh with a blade. He had contemplated an answer to Kakashi’s question ever since, but there wasn’t one.

Fireflies buzzed around them at a distance as if they were unable to penetrate their bubble. They just listened outside of it, waiting for Sakumo’s answer too.

“I guess I’m telling you that some things lack meaning because I have nothing to say to explain myself. Kakashi, I both loved you _and_ hated living.”

“This isn’t something ‘microscopic’, father. I was just a boy.”

The quake in Kakashi’s voice disturbed the calmness that nestled them together. The flames of the campfire intertwined in a helix. Every bit of Sakumo’s heart that he’d carried from his previous life started to break.

Unforgiving men and women and sometime friends had pushed Sakumo to die. All the strength he had whittled. Kakashi heard rumors, but Sakumo had smiled through them until the night he lay cold. Withholding even more forgiveness from him was cruel and unusual. The feelings of anger had dissipated years ago

“I forgive you, father. I’m proud of you.” Kakashi said it even though it wouldn’t fix the loneliness he had suffered, even though he would still long for Sakumo forever.

“I—” Kakashi breathed deeply to return to his usual stasis. “I’ve come to understand why you saved your comrades and abandoned your mission. I understand you did what you believed was best. The village code has needed that kind of audacity. However, I can’t do anything about it in a place like this.”

“Then live, son. Fight and live and die happy. Not one single regret.”

The last thing Kakashi had pictured before he passed out was Rei’s deep sea eyes. The blue of them started to cover the campsite and Sakumo faded into a cluster of little gems. He said he could join Kakashi’s mother again, so Kakashi let go. The blue washed out the fire and flooded the camping tools away, moistening the log Kakashi sat on. The white light crept in, bleaching and overpowering the darkness.


	9. The Future Is Murky Water

**“As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home… who must always be a little in love with death.” — Eugene O’Neill**

* * *

****Rei hated weakness. She considered the truth at the windowsill in her bedroom while watching the village move outside. The streets had filled up to see a meteor shower. _Konoha_ still had beauty. Life still had meaning no matter how many trials it presented, no matter how many ways it tested the strength of her heart. Still, she despised weakness, and everything felt like it. Waiting, coming, going, and love.  
  
For a time, she’d not been so aware of it. It was in Kakashi’s arms during their fledgling exclusivity. Morning would break through the curtains and she’d think, “Couple stuff—it isn’t terrible.” The mornings were gentle thieves that took pieces of the wall she’d put up.  
  
_But it was only when she allowed it_ , and it took all the will she had to do so. It took many parts of her soul, almost all of it, to just exist with him.  
  
And it hit her, as beams of light coming from every direction streaked the sky, that having to exhaust so much effort, was also weakness. Now, the bill had come due. She had to pay for all the waiting, the coming, and going.  
  
She wanted him to wake up the way she wanted it to be easy to look him in the eyes and tell him all of her heart, everything it beat for, everything that had broken it and pieced it back together messily. There was this sudden need to just be honest, and if that wasn’t the way pitiful humans lived, she didn’t know what it was. _Why was her vision crystal clear now?_ _  
_ _  
_ Aware that tomorrow wasn’t promised and banking on an unlimited amount of time was her constant paradox. It was her _shinobi_ education and her hope joined together like oil and water.  
  
Below her, a couple’s hands found each other’s so naturally. Rei appreciated the way their fingers twisted together. It didn’t make her sentimental or nauseated. She just liked the look of two people who had caught each other and refused to let go.  
  
The last meteor plummeted somewhere. Rei didn’t know, and she didn’t mind it being a mystery.

* * *

Genma led Rei into the gorge of the _Hokage’s_ complex, all low-lit and hushed. His sandals squished with each step and Rei carded back seven years, to the day she briefed herself one last time on the Black Star Society.  
  
The mission ranked highest of any she’d been assigned, and the thought of dying never once occurred to her. A sense of purpose had settled on her instead. It was also the sort of distraction she was anxious to take hold of. Enjoying the fireworks with Kakashi and the feelings uncovered by their kiss weren’t sustainable pleasures, and the differences in their lives forked them onto separate paths again.  
  
She walked a few paces behind Genma with Kakashi’s life on her mind, his still and unreachable life buried under medical reasoning and beeping machines. Her faith kept in small increments until random feelings of fear presented themselves in mocking ways: in Jiraiya’s pacification, in front of Asuma, in the middle of the night without Kakashi’s cold body robbing her passion.  
  
Genma stopped and noticed he’d gotten a ways ahead of her.  
  
“Go on. I can see you.” Rei waved him off and went back to muse on her thoughts.  
  
Genma chewed a toothpick, wanting to begin a conversation but where to start escaped him. Well, what he wanted to ask was nothing more than overstepping.  
  
“So, you think Danzo is actually gonna pay for what he did to your clan, or is he just gonna get off on some kinda technicality?” He overstepped anyway.  
  
If she could forget Danzo with a pill, she’d take it, with a liquid, she’d drink it. Still, she was a slave to humanity, and had a job to do. But Genma wasn’t a fool and the awareness in his question wasn’t lost on her. Danzo’s fate was in the same system that had let him thrive.  
  
Rei bored a hole in the back of Genma’s head, the most reaction she could manage. A trek to the library wasn’t this arduous before. The atmosphere was moody and could only be compared to traversing catacombs. It was so dark at points, she felt the need to duck, but they finally reached it, and Genma announced their presence with a shout. Crudeness emanated from him like body heat. Rei had forgotten that quirk about him—that he liked being heard despite being a _shinobi_.  
  
Ugly new wallpaper ruined the library’s design. Its muddy red hue deepened Rei’s fatigue, worsening her depression. At this point, sleep had stopped accomplishing its art of healing. She was just chasing rest. The crimson edges of the wallpaper peeled away in one corner, almost revealing the one-time yellow. Rei remembered the library that way and preferred its lightness. She was always at the mercy of her environment. If it rained, she wanted to cry. If it was dark, her soul was too.  
  
“Place was revamped after we got hit by Orochimaru. That’s why it may feel different to you. It’s a work in progress.” Genma shouted again for someone to give them attention.  
  
Iruka appeared from the concealing bookshelves that went up to the roof. His lips went in and out of a frown and his brows wrinkled. All of his nonthreatening ire was directed at Genma deservedly.  
  
“What?” Genma folded his arms and looked around. “Nobody’s in this hellhole.”  
  
“Except the three of us,” Iruka huffed, offended at Genma’s allergy to the surroundings.  
  
“Nah, just the two of you. I made sure Rei didn’t get lost, and now, I’m out.” Sharply, Genma inclined his head and turned on his heel.  
  
Inside of Iruka was a nervous spirit making him believe he needed to do everything right while knowing it was impossible. His eyes shifted onto the floor when Genma’s footsteps faded. The smell of pages and ink made Rei swoon. Her heart received the momentary joy. She inspected the library, the history giving it character and permanence. A pang of guilt overcame Iruka, but he cleared his throat to claim her attention.  
  
“I haven’t been able to burn through work as easily with Kakashi down. It’s surreal.” Iruka relieved his arms of a load of books.  
  
Rei wanted to avoid a replay of her episode with Asuma. Iruka’s face was sweet enough to extract even more from her. Something flowered in Iruka—embarrassment, but Rei lifted a finger and moved on.  
  
“You’ve got a ton of books but where are the scrolls?” Her eyes bulged at the books. She didn’t have the stamina for the research ahead of her. It was just too much in a short time.  
  
Iruka flattened his lips, but Rei had focused on the books now. She’d kept a mental list of things she wanted to tell Kakashi, and Kakashi only, when he woke up and wasn’t stunned by his predicament—if he could look at her and be the one she knew. Iruka let up in the one-sided struggle.  
  
“The scrolls are in a cabinet. These books may help you with some of the parts in different languages.” Iruka opened one of the books.  
  
“You’ve read the scrolls?”  
  
Rei had neither looked at the scroll written by her predecessors, nor the ones she retrieved from Black Star. Her mission was only to get them in her possession. It felt like Iruka had looked in on a secret left behind just for her, but it was no time to be ignited by familial pride. The Horoshima scroll hadn’t been important to her before. It couldn’t restore what she had cherished the most.  
  
“Glanced. I _am_ the librarian.” Iruka said and gradually disappeared into the depths of the library.  
  
Rei flipped the book he’d opened and fingered the embossed letters titling it. ‘ _TAMIL: THE FORGOTTEN TONGUE’._ Her mind did cartwheels, making her reach for the fleeting joy from earlier.  
  
“Goddamn it, Tsunade. I need to learn an entire fucking language?”  
  
Re-emerging from seeming thin air, Iruka carried two scrolls in each hand with a long, unforgettable one hitched onto his back. The gold clasps unlocked, and the yellowing parchment billowed out across the table—a sheet of knowledge composed in many discarded languages. Rei lost her breath. Iruka lay down a magnifying glass, pen, and notebook for her.  
  
“Pretty daunting,” he said, moving back into the darkness again, “but I think these scrolls are in the best hands we’ve got.”  
  
He smiled, and Rei felt her own lips curve upward too. She stretched her neck to the side, kneading the knotted muscle. Taking one of the scrolls reclaimed from Black Star, she unraveled it and placed it next to her family’s, running it down the length of it. Nothing readily matched, but there was much more, with very little time to accompany it.  
  
After a while, she needed water. Her body had begun giving reminders of its abandonment. She licked her lips only for them to dry instantly. She considered the state of herself—exhausted and parched. A blank page in the notebook looked back at her, beckoning her writing hand. She set one book aside in favor of another. _‘MYTHIC SYMBOLS’_ . If only the secrets of the scrolls were as straightforward as the damn books. Rei couldn’t get past the first picture and diagram before resting her head on the desk.  
  
Pressure like the earth’s weight crushing a diamond, seized her. Her brain went drafty with nothingness as if every iota of knowledge had an expiration date of today. She eased up on herself. Feeling stumped out the gate wasn’t good. Maybe it was just the worst possible timing to be solving riddles. She looked at the scroll over the wall of her arm, slanted, more unreadable because of the angle, and tried to remember her father’s voice. It was one of the first precious memories to leave.  
  
_“And this scroll is most important. It is…”_ _  
_ _  
_ The words were almost touchable, but the sound of his voice escaped her. It was just bad timing. She wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Tsunade had granted her clearance to take the scrolls offsite, so Rei packed up and departed the library for home.

* * *

Sakura watched the large hand of her wristwatch slip to the forty-ninth hour since Kakashi had begun warming up. An extension of Katsuyu slithered out of his left ear. Sakura made a face at the nurse on the other side of Kakashi’s bed. The slug trudged up Sakura’s index finger.

“Kakashi- _san_ ’s brain shows signs of activity. There is evidence of dreaming sleep.” Katsuyu’s antennae moved, whirring up and down as if finding the right words. “Please stimulate a physical response.”  
  
Sakura nodded and Katsuyu evaporated in a little white cloud. Removing an instrument from a pan to her right, Sakura lifted the lid of Kakashi’s _sharingan_ eye. One of the _tomoe_ started spinning like a petal on a pinwheel and he jolted awake so roughly, the machine monitoring his life nearly toppled her.  
  
“Kakashi- _sensei!”_ Sakura shrieked.  
  
The nurse had planted herself against the wall. The _tomoe_ in his eye continued to spin, round and round, forming the shape of the _mangekyō_ and all of his bodily functions kicked in, painful and undisciplined. The bedsheets were soiled, and the stench defiled all the air in the room. He thrashed about, tried to throw himself out of the bed, mind racing to process the newness of his surroundings. His mouth gaped open, spittle leaking from the corner of it, but he couldn’t speak on his distress. Raw like sand, the muscles of his esophagus moved but to no avail, and his vision muddled everything that came into its range. Red and blue streaks shaped like a man and woman hurried into the room at Sakura’s command. Kakashi was too new with the world to catch the needle plunging into a bulging vein in the crook of his arm. There was a tongue-fattening heaviness, then his eyes slowly shut.  
  
Sakura scrubbed out and changed back into her _shinobi_ uniform once he had settled. A seat was necessary to help her shaky legs. Kakashi was asleep again, but showing a strong heartbeat, breathing on his own—full brain activity. How functional was yet a mystery until he awoke again, preferably with more calmness. Sakura quieted her fears, as she waited for his scans to return. Rapidly, she grew cognizant of her inexperience. The violent way Kakashi’s body had reacted nearly caused her to flee the room in search of Tsunade, but she couldn’t run to her teacher for everything that had been entrusted to her. Still, cosmically, the door creaked open and Tsunade’s heels clicked in.  
  
Flashing a knowing smile, Tsunade just closed her eyes and leaned against the door. Katsuyu had relayed the good news, and the staff had filled in the rest of the blanks.  
  
“So he’s returned to us,” she said. “Well, Sakura, aren’t you happy?”  
  
It was as if she’d been given the right to cry, so she did. “Yes, milady.” Sakura wiped her eyes.

* * *

 _Shinobi_ started multiplying in the waiting area, all of them curious of Kakashi’s condition as the news spread virally throughout the village. Naruto drew his hands together. The lingering made him white-knuckled and nervous. Sakura exited the foreboding double doors and sat on a low table in front of him.  
  
“Well?” Naruto asked after a while.  
  
Sakura batted her lashes, looking for the layman’s terms that would assuage Naruto.  
  
“He’s traumatized, and really confused.”  
  
“Shit, Sakura, I don’t need you to tell me that.”  
  
Naruto plopped against the back of his seat. Supporting one arm with another by the elbow, he scratched his forehead. The other _shinobi_ kept silent as if they weren’t listening to their conversation.  
  
“But he’s alive,” Naruto sighed. “He’s not looking all quiet and dead like before and that’s a relief.”  
  
Tsunade transferred Kakashi out of the ICU. A small team of medical staff rolled his bed down a hallway. He opened his eyes and shut them quickly. The lights above him burned as they zipped by. The world was unfamiliar, like he’d been hurled into space. In minutes, he encountered many people, but a sense of loneliness had him by the throat.  
  
Rubbing his tongue against the roof of his mouth, his stomach rolled as he tasted viscous, bitter saliva. There was nothing to come up, so he took quick breaths to settle himself. The sedative was mild, but it multiplied his disorientation. He flexed his fingers, but they wouldn’t stay curled. All he wanted to do was fight his predicament, but he hadn’t a weapon, not even a fist.  
  
His larynx was impertinent, still refusing to produce a sound. Raspy static was all he managed. He tapped a male nurse’s arm as they waited for the elevator to drop and collect them. The man looked at him, sorrow cracking his face. Kakashi ignored it and tilted his hand to his mouth weakly.  
  
“You need water, Kakashi- _san_ ? Sure thing—as soon as we’re in your room.”  
  
_Kakashi._ It meant ‘scarecrow’. It couldn’t be his name, he thought.  
  
The elevator chimed, and the doors rattled open, shaking them all the way up to the fourteenth floor. The need to vomit intensified but didn’t overpower his thirst. As promised, the nurse poured him a cup of water after blanketing him. Kakashi’s hands trembled, reaching out. He took the cup but without an ounce of grip strength and the water, a chilling notch below freezing, spilled into his lap. He lay back and let the staff fret about a little water. Most of it had pooled onto the blanket which was snatched from the bed and replaced. Six moving hands all over him felt unclean.  
  
“My apologies, Kakashi- _san_.” The nurse fluffed a pillow. “Looks like it’ll take a while to recover your strength, so we’ll set up an IV for now to keep you hydrated.”

Kakashi tried to place the man’s demeanor. It was jovial, and he hated it. The staff filed out of the room, leaving him bereft of any information that explained his pitiable nature. The only thing he knew was ‘Kakashi’.

* * *

Asuma and Guy posted themselves outside, careful to keep unnoticed by Kakashi. Sakura’s explanation had reached them. Relief and abject glumness weighed on Guy. Asuma looked at him and started to feel the pressure of frustration. He’d smoked it away, running through two packs. A limp, lonely cigarette resided in his back pocket, needing to be lit before it came apart. When Guy wasn’t entirely amped up on the sheer power of his own spirit, everything sunk into a crater around him. The nicotine would at least help Asuma refrain from acknowledging it.  
  
“Guy,” he said, putting the cigarette in his mouth just to smell the menthol that kept him addicted, “he’s good. It’s his first day up. We had enough time to mope while he was out. Relax.”  
  
Having a team with Shikamaru on it deepened Asuma’s ability to eventually observe things with casual logic, or maybe enough cigarettes helped. Either way, he didn’t worry until the sound of metal clanging against the floor split his eardrums. In an instant, Guy turned the doorknob.  
  
“Kakashi?!” Guy caught one of the projectiles.  
  
Kakashi ripped the IV from his arm and tossed the covers overboard the bed next. Guy startled at the sight of his unmasked face. Wearing a mad expression, Kakashi stopped and locked eyes with Guy. An unseen force made Guy drop to his knees and Asuma was quick to look away. The weight crushed Guy who started sweating puddles.  
  
Asuma weaved a sign to release the _genjutsu_ , but it was futile against the _mangekyō._ Guy’s body rattled on the floor and became deadweight. Quickly, Asuma dragged him back outside and the door slapped shut. He shouted for help as Guy’s eyes rolled back into his skull.  
  
“Shit,” Asuma panted.  
  
He patted his face and Guy came to, drool sliding down the side of his neck. Asuma along with the help that arrived, hoisted Guy onto a gurney, but Guy waved a hand, finding it near impossible to catch his breath.  
  
“I’m good. He’s still weak, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but you gotta help him, or he’s gonna kill somebody.” Guy choked on his words, regaining control of his body raggedly.  
  
Asuma wiped the sheen of sweat from his brow and contemplated giving Guy his last cigarette. He looked through the window of the door, but Kakashi was lying down again, slumped unnaturally as the machine went haywire.  
  
Tsunade burst onto the floor bringing everyone assembled to attention. Sakura and Shizune quickly followed behind her. Asuma and an orderly explained what had happened and Tsunade requested materials to perform a sealing. Shizune evaporated to retrieve what she needed while Tsunade tapped her foot outside Kakashi’s door. Pacing a little, Sakura collected herself again.  
  
“Lady Tsunade,” Sakura ventured, “do you think _Amaterasu_ has driven him out of his mind?”  
  
“Sakura, I didn’t teach you to reach such juvenile conclusions. Kakashi is in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. His brain is taking in information faster than he can absorb it. There will be many more episodes like this, so pull yourself together.”  
  
Sakura tried not to lean on Sasuke’s encounters with Itachi and how they had warped him, physically and emotionally. Naruto floated over to them and Tsunade scowled.  
  
“You can see him _after_ I have finished the sealing, so go sit down.”  
  
Tsunade dared him to protest, but Naruto just frowned. She muttered something under her breath, then placed a hand on both of their shoulders. She took a deep breath and calmed her face.  
  
“Kakashi is going to be fine. It will be more challenging once he has fully recovered physically, so the two of you be strong and be there for him when that time comes.”  
  
Both of them glowed and looked at each other, resolving to do as she said. Tsunade shook her head and Shizune rushed back in. They entered Kakashi’s room as Sakura and Naruto watched.  
  
“Should we perform it while he’s sleeping, milady?” Shizune hurriedly drew a circle around his bed.  
  
“That would be preferable if he were sleeping. Kakashi Hatake, open your eyes.” Tsunade ordered, craning her head to the side to look at Kakashi’s barely closed eyes.  
  
Placing a palm over his _sharingan_ eye, he righted himself in the bed, body aching with each movement.  
  
“Don’t think you want me to open this one,” he said.  
  
“So you can speak?” Tsunade put her hands on her hips, glancing quickly at Shizune who was still setting everything up.  
  
“Yes, so talk.”  
  
Shizune bucked her shoulders at his boldness but finished the circle. Tsunade put her hand atop Kakashi’s head, firmly enough to anticipate his attempt to push her away.  
  
“Not yet,” she warned.  
  
Making signs with one hand, the shock of contact with her made his body pulse, vibrations from her touch radiating him. She called out the sealing _jutsu_ and black markings crept over his face and swirled around his left eye, closing it, then reopening it. The red _sclera_ turned white. The sharingan evaporated like blood washing down a drain.  
  
“What did you do to me?” Kakashi shook furiously.  
  
“I’ve placed a seal on your eye, so we can avoid making patients of anyone who shares a room with you. I have not sealed all your power. It’s best you rediscover it carefully. I’ll remove this seal when it’s time to discharge you.”  
  
Kakashi blinked, feeling a hint of relief. His eye no longer drained him. First loneliness, and now, fear. In one eye was the power to crush men with the full intensity of gravity. Tsunade’s coolness nurtured his fear.  
  
“Tell me why I’m here. Who am I? Who are you? What is this place?”  
  
“You are in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Kakashi Hatake. I am Tsunade, village leader. That’s all you need to know right now. Give yourself time.”  
  
She thumped the center of his forehead before he could utter a peep, and he fell back, dead asleep. Shizune headed for the door, but Tsunade lingered, hoping to some higher power that she hadn’t resigned him to a fate exceeding death.

* * *

 _“Friend-killer Kakashi.”_ _  
__  
__The moniker metastasized across the village, somehow taking form before Kakashi or Minato had the chance to come home. It was uttered casually, at times heavy with cold and fear. Rei dropped the change jingling in her palm on the ground as strangers discussed it._ _  
__  
__“He hasn’t been right since his father died.”_ _  
__  
__“I’d say it started with that eye. You know the Uchiha are… unstable.”_ _  
__  
__Rei searched for the fallen coins but could only recover a few._ _  
__  
__In an instant, Anbu accepted him and it was as if he’d fallen off the curve of the Earth. But in time, she found him sunken and sullen outside his home despite training himself rigorously. It was easy to see how much he hid in plain sight._ _  
__  
__“Tell me what happened.” Rei said it as if no time had elapsed, as if Rin hadn’t likely memorized all of wherever she’d passed onto by now._ _  
__  
__Kakashi hurled shuriken at a wooden target, a bullseye so precise they all fell to the ground unable to occupy the same space. Rei knew he didn’t want to talk about it. Perhaps he had when it was fresh, but she’d looked everywhere and couldn’t find him. Anbu kept him busy and away and distracted to the point of having little time to feel._ _  
__  
__“What do you think?” he asked, grabbing more shuriken. His hand hesitated and one hit the ground._ _  
__  
__She approached him slowly, leaving a trail of footprints in the sandy dirt. Her feet quickened their pace until she trapped him in a tight embrace. The rest of the shuriken fell at their feet and he cried. Crushed, soul aching sorrow washed everything clean._ _  
__  
__“I didn’t kill her.” He repeated and repeated until the sun went down._ _  
__  
_ Rei was flung out of her sleep again by the feeling of missing something. Sprawled across her bed were the scrolls. She fumbled around for her alarm. Two days had passed as she slept, forgetting the world to impervious fatigue. She leapt from the bed and turned the faucet on her bathtub. Water sprayed from the shower, misting the room, and stippling drops of water along the wall. She hopped into the steam and scrubbed her body scarlet.  
  
“Goddamn it, goddamn it. _How the hell did I sleep so long?”_ _  
__  
_ She kept hurling curses at herself and rinsed until the water no longer ran with suds. Poorly drying herself, she dressed and left with her hair soaking the back of her neck. Her family scroll and a backpack hung from a shoulder.  
  
The library was empty, nothing but her echoes. She put the scrolls back in their place and locked them up with the seal posted on the wall. There was only a seal for closing. The librarian alone could undo it. She’d followed protocol, so she raced to the hospital.  
  
Outside of visiting hours again, she had to pound on the door. It opened, and the same nurse’s eyes went wide.  
  
“Hatake- _san_ —he has been moved to the fourteenth floor. He woke up around noon.”  
  
Rei stumbled, rasped an incredulous _‘what’_ and took off down the hall. She pressed every elevator button feverishly. All of them were going down. She walked back and forth, from one to another, before the doors she needed opened. Punching the right floor, the elevator shot up, lifting her stomach and then dropping it when it halted. Her legs weren’t going to be able to carry her, but she’d force them to. Anko barely let her step out onto the floor before speeding over to her.  
  
“Where were you? I’ve been looking for you for days now.”  
  
Rei explained herself and Anko nodded, then concern enveloped her.  
  
“You should eat something. I’ll head to the cafeteria and be right back. Wait here!”  
  
Anko was gone before Rei could tell her that she didn’t think she could eat. Her eyes scanned the room, finding Guy and Asuma. Guy pulled a compress from his head and lifted his thumb at her. Asuma stood and moved her away from the eyes of other people.  
  
“What? What’s wrong?” Rei tried to relax her shoulders.  
  
“Kakashi’s pretty shaken up. He attacked Guy.”  
  
“What the hell do you mean he attacked Guy? He just woke up.”  
  
Asuma looked at her and she relented enough to let him relay what happened. One of her eyebrows twitched and she recalled the research she’d done and old lessons from the Academy.  
  
“Ok, alright. Post-traumatic memory loss is normal after a coma.” She recited, clinging more to the fact that Kakashi was awake.  
  
It’d been her hope for days, and suddenly, she had no idea how to embrace it coming true. The worst of things had been made right, she told herself again.  
  
Tsunade finally emerged from Kakashi’s room, but Rei kept still. The rest that she’d managed to get didn’t do much good, she was still weak-kneed.  
  
“Rei?” Tsunade summoned her close. “The scrolls.”  
  
“They’re not the easiest project I’ve ever had but once I get the Tamil down, I should be able to understand a large part of what they mean.”  
  
Tsunade sucked her teeth, but with full sympathy for the task Rei had ahead of her. Rei averted her eyes to Kakashi’s door.  
  
“Go in. Take as long as you need.” Tsunade allowed. Naruto didn’t say a word. “I made him take a little nap so he may not wake up.”  
  
Tsunade announced that she would be away for a _Kage_ meeting. Assured the seal would hold, she left. Rei looked for Anko, then opened the door. The toll for continuing to wait was too high.  
  
Only one machine. Only one tube. Only one gentle rhythm to his chest. _‘Don’t cry’,_ she chanted. She’d cried so much she hated everything. The mornings were bitter, and every night hurt her heart. Besides, a strange, crying woman wouldn’t help him.  
  
“Kakashi,” she whispered, seating herself beside him.  
  
She wanted to touch him, but would it lunge him into chaos? She gently caressed the length of his middle finger and retracted her hand. Water dripped onto her thighs. The clock was very loud as if it counted down her loss of self-control. Trapping her grief in her throat made her lightheaded. Big, perfect tears rolled down her face. With Kakashi, every time she told herself not to do something, she did it anyway. She reached for a tissue, trying to compose herself.  
  
The thought of leaving had also urged her tears—a powerful belief that even the purest intentions would collapse his mind again. His eyelids parted, slowly revealing two lead-gray irises. She gasped, the end of her tears shuddered out of her. Her lack of will betrayed her again as she watched him adjust to the natural light that peeked through the window behind his bed. A breeze swayed a tree, covering him in the shapes of restless leaves.  
  
Kakashi shifted in the bed, the mattress giving with the changes in weight. He looked as if he’d just finished untwisting himself. But he was almost perfectly the same, the way she’d imagined it.  
  
“Hey.” Rei tried adjusting her tone. She couldn’t hear herself over her pounding heart.  
  
“You’re the tenth stranger I’ve seen today. Are you the one with the answers?”  
  
Rei’s fingers caught in her tangled hair as she tried to smooth it behind her back. She was speechless for a second, thankful that Asuma had tried to prepare her. There really wasn’t a trace of the man who left her in his eyes or body language. She sat up straighter and shrugged.  
  
“What do you want to know?”  
  
The nerves in his hand still disobeyed him. He stared at his trembling, ill-formed fist. All the powerlessness infuriating him made Rei keep still. Defeated energy seeped right out of his skin. He flattened his hand and rubbed his eyes.  
  
“Everything. If you don’t know anything, get out and let me sleep.”  
  
Rei kept still, but her brain threw out suggestions on what to say. _The truth? But how much of it? In what order?_ _  
__  
_ “What’s your name?” he asked, disturbing her plan of how to break things down.  
  
“Rei Horoshima.”  
  
“Well, Rei, let’s hear it.”  
  
“First, can you tell me what you remember?” She wanted to avoid repetition and phrasing things differently than what he’d already heard.  
  
“Hmm, let’s see. I remember waking up, shitting myself like an infant, being sedated twice and almost killing a man with just one eyeball. It’s been a lovely day.”  
  
He hardly knew anything and the weight of being the messenger dumbfounded her. Some scenarios couldn’t be premeditated. Trying to help him make sense of the world was like getting new wings and being shoved off the branch of a tree.  
  
“Kakashi, I—” she hesitated, and it was the very thing he didn’t want.  
  
“Just tell me what happened to me!” he exploded. “I don’t want you looking at me like this or someone rushing in to shoot me up with something again. I just want to know what the hell happened! Why can’t I even hold a cup of water and drink it?”  
  
No one ever talked about the one glaring problem with looking on the bright side. It was often unrealistic.  
  
The yelling amplified the error in her judgment. He had been handled from the time he woke up. Rei tried putting herself in his shoes and it didn’t work. She’d resorted to having faith in reuniting with him to the point of losing the last few days to deep sleep. All the ways she felt tired and overextended seemed selfish by comparison.  
  
Rei rose to her feet and lifted a pitcher of water from the table, filling a cup. She nudged it close to his lips and he looked at her with a bitterness she hadn’t seen since their youth. It was the way he’d regarded everyone, but Rei always took it personally, and the immaturity in that was so clear now it sickened her. Kakashi was enduring a battle she could conceptualize, but not understand exactly—just as it was back then.

Eventually, Kakashi pressed his lips around the mouth of the cup and she tilted it until all the water was gone. It was like he’d swallowed glass. He pinched the cup with his forefinger and thumb and tried to crush it with his hand but failed. He tossed it aside and eased back onto the pillows.

Rei continued standing and broke the silence.  
  
“You were assigned to a mission outside _Kirigakure_. You’re a _shinobi_ ,” she started. He opened one eye to look at her as he listened, a reflex that hadn’t been stolen by the coma.  
  
“Your mission was a success but not without cost.”  
  
“Obviously,” he smashed his head into the pillows, looking for comfort.  
  
“You fought a man named Itachi Uchiha who exposed you to a dangerous _jutsu._ In turn, you used a dangerous _jutsu._ The one that could have killed that man today.”  
  
Nothing she said penetrated. It was all formless. Kakashi couldn’t hold a cup and he damn sure couldn’t latch onto smoke. Nevertheless, he fumed.  
  
“So what’s going to happen from this point, huh?” He interrupted, pulling a spike of hair out of his lashes.  
  
Rei didn’t know. Physical therapy? Counseling? It was too soon, but far too late judging by the confusion that had turned him to ice.  
  
“A doctor may be able to answer that.” Rei hadn’t believed she was useless in a very long time. “Just let me—”  
  
Quickness was temporarily granted to him, and he pulled her by the wrist. Rei stopped, let him restrain her with his weakness. Strength or weakness, it didn’t matter.  
  
“Like I said, I don’t want them coming in here again with needles.” His paranoia was everywhere. Feeling as if she had no idea what he needed started to shatter her confidence.  
  
“Let me go and I can—” She tugged sweetly but he repurposed his grip as best he could.  
  
“Tell me the truth!”  
  
“I am!”  
  
He released her with a shove containing what little ability he could muster.  
  
“Just go,” he said, turning away from her.  
  
Rei held back the remainder of her tears for another place and left. When she closed the door, he screamed.  
  
Anko looked at her. Bags of food were in a line on the table. Naruto slowly approached the door and Rei blocked him. Softly, she touched his cheek.  
  
“He isn’t ready, huh?”  
  
Rei just shook her head. Naruto’s eyes glossed over, then he blinked. Somehow, he managed his usual sunny smile.  
  
“Well, no problem. I’ve been here for hours but the day probably feels way longer to him. I’m gonna meet up with Yamato and train. Kakashi- _sensei_ would hate it if I just slacked off, ya know?” Naruto quit rambling to look past Rei. Kakashi had his head in his hands and shook as if he were cold. A quiet agony pierced Naruto.  
  
“Yeah, I’ll be back tomorrow or something.” Naruto took off with the same speed that Rei wanted to.  
  
Anko gathered all the bags and jutted her head to the left. Rei followed her up to the roof. The food was cold, but it tasted better than anything she’d eaten in days. Rei slathered sauce on a hamburger, in the bite marks she left behind. Anko chewed quietly, waiting for Rei to say something.  
  
_“I can’t help him. I can’t help him. What can I do? I can’t help him.”_ It kept repeating, louder and louder in Rei’s head.  
  
“It’s—” Anko tried.  
  
“Please don’t tell me it’s going to be okay.” Rei pushed a glob of food to the other side of her mouth to enunciate better. “I don’t want to hear it. Right now, it’s too hard to believe.”  
  
_‘Okay’_ was why she wanted to rip her hair out by each, individual strand. Before, the facts were that Kakashi would or would not wake up. Now, the fact was he could know her tomorrow or never again. She had no more room for ‘okay’, so she focused on reality and finished her meal in silence.

* * *

_The trick was dying with no regrets, but what about living with them? Kakashi could handpick many and they only kept piling up. He put it off his mind as he approached Asuma, leaning against a pole engrossed in dialogue with Kumara Endo._

_“What’s up, Kakashi?” Kumara’s light jab was stronger than he’d intended against Kakashi’s arm, and it was a wonder how straight he stood with so many things on his back and shoulders._

_“Running away from home?” Kakashi joked about Kumara’s baggage. It took everything he had just to smile._

_Kumara looked out into the distance and Asuma ignited a cigarette. The smoke curled into Kakashi’s nostrils, choking him, but no one would ever be able to tell. Sighing, Kumara pulled out a pocket watch._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Those two are really cutting it close, huh?” Asuma blew a ring from his mouth._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Mizuru’s probably held up at the pharmacy. It’s anyone’s guess where Rei is though I have an inkling.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Like someone plucking the strings of a koto, Kakashi’s heart pulled at the mention of her name._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Isn’t she the captain of your team?” Asuma’s cigarette was at the butt now. He wanted another but the lighter scratched, all out of fluid. Kakashi breathed easier until Kumara presented matches._ _  
_ _  
_ _“How long do you think you guys will be gone?” Kakashi subdued any trace of hope in his voice, but Kumara held him in a knowing look._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Hokage says years. The Black Star Society is practically a myth. I think we’re just chasing a ghost.” Kumara started opening and closing the pocket watch._ _  
_ _  
_ _Silence fell on them. There was just the sound of breath and blowing smoke. Panting, Mizuru found them. It took an unsettling, long time for his breathing to normalize. Kumara questioned his fitness for their long journey, but Mizuru insisted he’d never felt better. The two of them next to each other was like an ant in the presence of an elephant. Kumara had to be descended from giants, Kakashi thought. It didn’t matter how fantastic that seemed._

_“Rei isn’t here? That’s not like her.” Mizuru took a swig of water, wiping away the drops that missed his mouth._

_“It’s exactly like her,” Kumara laughed, rubbing his beard. “She’s probably ‘clarifying’ things with the Hokage one last time. You know she wants us to rock this.”_

_Kakashi was an outsider. Kumara and Mizuru knew a Rei he no longer had access to._

_“Kakashi, you’re spacing out.” Mizuru tried teasing him into a new mood. Kakashi closed his eyes, fitting his headband without cause._

_Time went on. If any more did, they’d miss the ferry. Mizuru had emptied his water supply and pissed himself back into dehydration behind a tree._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Kumara!” he called out. The sound of his fly zipping was distinguishable in the quiet swallowing the village border. “Let’s go find Rei! Maybe something’s wrong.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m telling you she’s at the Hokage’s office! Just you wait. Bye, guys.” He shook Asuma and Kakashi’s hands, and bumped fists with Asuma for the last time. “You didn’t need to see us off, but we appreciate you for coming. We’ll tell Rei. Later!”_ _  
_ _  
_ _They took off in the trees. Asuma stamped out the flame of one more cigarette, laughing to himself._ _  
_ _  
_ _“I knew she wasn’t coming.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Kakashi relished the sea breeze and raked his hair back, still believing. He and Rei wouldn’t come around to what they both knew today. Perhaps she’d be gone for years as Kumara said, but he didn’t want any more regrets even if it was foolish to wait._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Yeah” was all he said._

* * *

Kakashi’s legs hung over the side of the bed. Wrapping both hands around the IV pole, he let one foot touch the floor. The cold tile shocked him, but he planted his other foot down anyway. It was strenuous to lift himself up, and when the weight reached his knees, they buckled, and he fell back onto the bed. Determined to stand, he angled up again in one fluid motion, but the wheels on the pole gave, throwing him off balance. He’d pulled too far from the bed so only the floor was left to catch him.  
  
Sakura glanced inside his room as she walked by and almost dislocated the door from its hinges when she bolted inside, running to him.  
  
“Kakashi- _sensei,_ please stay in bed! You’ll only prolong your recovery if you over exert yourself.”  
  
She took him up with ease and Kakashi eyed her suspiciously when she slid his legs underneath the covers.  
  
“I—uh, I’m kind of strong,” Sakura tittered.  
  
“Yeah,” he answered with fleeting pain in his ribs from where she’d grabbed him.  
  
“You called me _‘sensei’.”_ The monitor beeped faster as his heart rate elevated from the fall and Sakura’s handling.  
  
“Yes. I’m your student. Well, not exactly. I was, but now we’re equals on the same team—Team Kakashi.” Sakura grew downcast from her inability to construct effective sentences. She knew she had more confidence, but not even detecting faint recognition in Kakashi’s eyes scattered all of it.  
  
“Well, Team Kakashi is officially disbanded. Kakashi can’t walk.” He pointed to his ornery legs, tucked under the bedsheets now.  
  
Sakura resisted a pitiful look, so she ripped a page from Naruto’s book and brandished the biggest smile.  
  
“Don’t worry, _sensei_. We’re all waiting for you.”  
  
Sakura smoothed his covers before leaving. Kakashi opened the only drawer on the table next to him and pulled out a pencil and notepad. Illegibly, he scribbled: ‘Kakashi Hatake’, ‘Team Kakashi’ ‘pink hair’, _‘sharingan’_ ‘Tsunade’, and ‘Rei’. **  
**

* * *

Somewhere, she had read that one way bitterness flourished was by holding others to higher standards than one held themselves. Rei outfitted a fish hook with bait and cast the line into the placid lake, rippling the water into the shape of sound waves. She knew well enough that she expected Kakashi to respond better to Sakumo’s death than she had to her parents’. Unfairly needing him to show her the way, was one thing that ruined them.  
  
So in time, she stood on her own two feet.  
  
She wasn’t allowed to feel pain at the unfamiliarity he now looked at her with. The least she owed him was letting him be the star in his own drama. When they were young, her selfishness had put a wedge between them. For a long time, even if he still cared for her, she’d made him comfortable with ignoring it.  
  
“The harder I push, the more he could pull away.” Experience was a terrifying disciplinarian.  
  
Something tugged the line and she gently reeled it in as her brained soaked up the Tamil script. Finding the differences in the similarities reminded her of Japanese. Iruka was still absent from the library, indisposed by Day Zero of the _Kage_ meeting, but Rei couldn’t understand what she couldn’t read, so she focused on that. A little fish that was better as a pet than a meal wiggled at the end of the line. With care, she separated it and tossed it back in the lake along with the line.

Despite Kakashi’s turmoil, he could talk to her, could hear her and touch her. Rei set the line and book aside to rub her wrist.

“Kakashi.” She breathed his name like a burden had been lifted. **  
**

* * *

He needed to move.  Sleeping and waking had become an uncomfortable cycle. Kakashi watched the door for several minutes. It appeared he’d finally been forgotten, so he bargained with the universe again. But rising from the pillows made everything spiral. The strain pulled him back down. If he threw something else, he’d have visitors again.  
  
Having no recollection of ever being powerless just made the feeling stronger. He reopened the notebook and stitched together thoughts about the day. Recording the date and time first, he penned every emotion, wave of nausea, and impression of the people he’d met. Writing for more than a minute sent currents of pain through his hand.  
  
A white ring wafted around him and all of his ninja hounds materialized, making him feel as if he could jump right out of his skin.  
  
“’Sup, boss.” Pakkun walked in a circle before settling into Kakashi’s lap.  
  
The other hounds barked in unison. Kakashi shushed them, careful of who watched from outside.  
  
_“_ You are _ninken_.” Kakashi marveled at the eight dogs assembled with him.  
  
“Ah, so you’ve at least retained some of your brain. Well, good.” Bull gruffed.  
  
“We are your _ninken,”_ Pakkun clarified. “And we’re here to make sure you stay put.”  
  
Kakashi lifted Pakkun and examined him. There was a cognizance of certain things pertaining to _shinobi_ the same way he woke up knowing he was in a hospital, but there was no connection, nothing that made him accept a place in the world he felt thrust into. He put Pakkun back down and looked at the other dogs, thinking at least, they weren’t humans.  
  
“You gotta work hard to get your memory back, boss. We don’t really feel like entering into a contract with anyone else. It’s your first day back in the land of the living, so we’ll excuse it for now.” Pakkun talked with his eyes closed, perfectly comfortable again in Kakashi’s lap.  
  
“The land of the living. Right.” Kakashi slumped, ponderous of what being alive actually meant. It wasn’t just moving and breathing.  
  
Biscuit dawdled along the side of the bed and licked Kakashi’s hand like he’d read his thoughts. The gesture was simple but enough to make being confined to a bed less tormenting.  
  
“Keep me company tonight, you guys.” Kakashi put the notebook away and reclaimed his sleeping position. The dogs made new spots for themselves on the bed after he lay still.  
  
“How long have we known each other?” Kakashi asked, making out shadows on the wall.  
  
“A long time, Kakashi.” Pakkun yawned. “Sleep tight.”  
  
He wanted all their names, but it felt good falling asleep naturally, unprompted by agony.

* * *

Pushing the door open, Rei switched on the living room light. Her apartment offered a silent welcome. She dropped the backpack of books that had inflamed her shoulders the entire walk home. She could have traveled faster but her heart wasn’t in it. Her heart was on the fourteenth floor of the hospital that glowed eerily at night and gouged the prices of the limited selection in the vending machines. She rotated her right arm to shake out the added soreness she’d earned while fishing. She left the pole, thinking if she came back the next day it would be there, frozen in time.  
  
Another voice was in her head, fighting with the one that said Kakashi needed space. She’d quieted it during the walk, but it yammered at full blast once she kicked off her sandals and sat at the kitchen table. She needed a new couch and armchair. Danzo had ruined them, she finally decided. She wouldn’t let him sully the entire apartment. Its history, at least, overpowered him.  
  
Her nails tapped against the wooden table, nervous fingers making noise just for the sake of noise. She abandoned the kitchen for the bedroom. The photograph of her and her teammates rested on a chest of drawers looking brand new. Kumara’s sidelong glance was a loudspeaker for the adamant other voice in her head.  
  
She slid open the closet door and rummaged inside the backpack from her mission. It was enshrined in the very back, behind long, old dresses, untouched since the evening she came home. Finally, she retrieved the only surviving picture of a part of her youth shared with Kakashi. Hurrying back to the living room, she placed the photo on the couch along with the latest _Makeout_ novel. Pulling on a pair of boots to accommodate the cool evening, she yanked the backpack near the door and left.  
  
His apartment came into view and she stole inside to add another item to her curated glimpse of his life.  
  
“Maybe he’ll push me away again. Maybe he won’t. Those are the facts.”  
  
Before, she had been grossly unprepared, but a battle’s success rate improved with the right weapons. Fighting for him wasn’t the same as fighting against him. At some point, her guilt had conflated the two.

* * *

Her feet almost carried her to the ICU, but she stopped and remembered, punching the elevator buttons again. The place was a ghost town, so a set of doors parted instantly. A swarm of butterflies were trapped inside her. The backpack weighed a thousand pounds. Only one light illuminated a section of the floor. She flattened against the wall, peeking into his room. Inside, he was studiously writing. She felt like the means to ruin his evening. He looked much less frustrated than she’d made him feel before. Still, she opened the door and took one step.  
  
Kakashi peered up from a crowded sheet of paper. He had just finished shading Pakkun’s snoot. Rei sniffed the air.  
  
“The dogs were here, huh?” The door closed with a soft click.  
  
“It doesn’t smell bad.” He folded the corner of the page and shut the book. Rei rolled her eyes. She knew what _dog_ smelled like. “They paid me a visit, rested a while, then ditched me for food.”  
  
There was a small victory in his response. Rei put the backpack on a table at the foot of his bed and removed the momentos she’d gathered. Kakashi leaned forward curiously, barely an inch. Rei came near him and extended _Makeout Eternity._ _  
_ _  
_ “I thought the entire series was called _Makeout Paradise_ but that’s just one of the books. You’d think I’d know as much as you go on about it. This is the newest one. It arrived in the mail not too long ago.”  
  
Kakashi lifted an apprehensive eyebrow but took the novel. He turned it over again and again, inspecting every inch.  
  
“Jiraiya,” he read. He thought to ask about him but decided to wait.  
  
Rei grabbed the last two things from the table and sat down. Nothing about the book sparked his memory. He opened it and read a few lines.  
  
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Even though he scoffed, he kept reading and turning page after page.  
  
Rei watched him in peace, taking in his presence. He looked completely unharmed, but vulnerable. But alive. But beautiful.  
  
Kakashi’s eyes flitted over the words. He liked how easy the story was to follow. It didn’t feel like he needed to know much of what had gotten the main characters to their current fate. Something fit even without the past. The present was enough.  
  
Earmarking a stopping point, he closed the novel and placed it on top of his notepad. He looked at Rei, seeing her hair was dry now and her clothes were different.  
  
“Why are you here?” He fussed with how to lie down for a moment. “You act like I invited you.”  
  
It took a moment for Rei to come out of her stupor. She adjusted the items in her arms.  
  
“I’m perfectly fine with leaving if that’s what you’d like.” _Fight for him, not with him. Remember, Rei._ _  
_ _  
_ She kept thinking to herself as his attention fell on what she’d brought with her.  
  
“What’s all that junk you’ve got?”

Apparently, the novel wasn’t junk, Rei realized. It had an honored place with whatever he’d written. She smiled. Lifting a broken sword, she held it out to him. He focused on his hand, still shaking. Slowly, it worked with him and he took hold of the sword by the hilt.  
  
“Who keeps a broken sword?”  
  
“You do. It was your father’s.”  
  
Kakashi traced along the sword’s design, closing his eyes. Something settled in his heart. Maybe it was pain, but it was drowned by anger. He couldn’t put the emotion in a container because his mind wouldn’t let him see where it was supposed to go.  
  
“He’s dead, isn’t he?”  
  
Rei nodded when he opened his eyes. He put the sword on his other side, away from her, tucking it beside his leg. A part of him wanted the story, but a bigger part didn’t. He’d forgotten about inquiring about Jiraiya too. They sat together and a calm lingered in the air. Kakashi folded his arms and took a deep breath.  
  
“I asked you why you’re here. You dodged my question.”  
  
“I wanted to see you again.”

Looking out the window, she noticed a banner flying in the sky. _‘KONOHA WELCOMES THE GREAT NATIONS’._ _  
_ _  
_ “The mob left a long time ago. Even my guards are gone.” Kakashi wanted to see what had arrested her attention, but he didn’t want the disappointment his legs seemed intent on giving him.  
  
“Can you blame them? You’ve been quite a handful,” she teased, watching the banner fly out of sight.

She needed a small break from focusing on him, so she decided a reasonable amount of time to continue gazing at the sky. This wasn’t the way he was supposed to come back and being close to him made reality harder but being apart was even worse.  
  
“And yet you’re here.” The smell of cucumber lifted off his skin. Wishing he’d picked the unscented soap for his bath, he held his breath before speaking again. “Who are you, Rei? To me?”  
  
Her time was up. The last thing she saw was a winking star. She gave him the photograph she’d saved for last. The grass on the hill they sat on was slanted, affected by the wind. Kakashi noticed it in the way their clothes pulled from their bodies. Sakumo had taken the shot that day, unbeknownst to them both.  
  
“Who am I to you?” Rei rubbed her chin, choosing her words. “Well, I’m a little of your past, some of your present, and I might have been a bit of your future too.”  
  
He was wordless. The seat squealed when she stood up. Zipping the backpack, she tossed it over her still-sore shoulder and caught the door handle.  
  
“Goodnight, Kakashi.”

Kakashi put the sword on the floor, leaned it against the nightstand, and picked up the notebook again. He turned to a new page and tapped the point of his pencil against it, writing: ‘mask’, ‘headband’, ‘past’, ‘present’, and ‘future’. He fit the photo in the crease of the book and shut it.


End file.
